I got you a present. No, really, I did. Didn't you get it? No? Huh. That's a bummer, because I mailed it. I really did. I guess it got lost in the mail or something? Dang, it was really expensive. Whatever, it's the thought that counts. Anyway, feel free to send along my presents (please note that PRESENTS is plural). Go right ahead, I'll be here waiting. It should probably be expensive, because what I got you was over $500. Sure is a bummer you never received it. :( Anyhow, I have another present for you that definitely won't get lost: THIS! BLOG!! POST!!! Merry Christmas, friends!! I hope your day is fabulous. As I write this, I'm in Charlotte. If you're reading this, I'm in California. If you're not reading this, I'm still in California. I'm spending 5 hours of my Christmas Eve in a floating box of people. And the rest of my Christmas Eve will be spent in a non-floating box of people. A "house." Is that what the kids are calling them these days? Anyhow, lets! Get! Started! Part 1: poeTREE lol gEt it (because I want to share my gift with you).
Part 2: You got me A WHAT?This holiday season, please enjoy a game of Would You Rather: Christmas Edition! Select your choices, but as you do so, please keep in mind: What Would Jesus Do? ...he'd probably exit out of this site asap tbh. Part 3: My 11 Year-Old cousin has an iPhone xMy 11-year-old cousin has an iPhone X. Meanwhile, I went to Costco and didn't have enough money in my account buy a pack of socks. that is all. Part 3: Jingle hellChristmas is a wonderful Holiday...partially. Everyone is aware of the financial struggles that come with the holiday season, and everyone knows that the holidays bring family together. These facts are widely-known. Here, however, I would like to discuss the lesser-known pros and cons of the birthday of our lord and savior, Oprah Winfrey. Fuck, wait no sorry. I meant Jesus. You know, the one stapled to a massive "T" in all the paintings you see at every art museum. I'm pretty sure Oprah has also been stapled to a large wooden "T," so I'm sure you understand the mix-up. ![]() @Jesus Moving on... PROS • If you're lucky enough to have cousins, the presence of multiple grandchildren will spread Grandma Jo's attention thinly, meaning that she can't assault you with as many of the typical "how's school!?" "do you do any sports?" and "tell me about all of your friends, their first and last names, social security numbers, and the shape of their toenails!" questions that are always launched at you when you see her. • You get to practice the art of playing Candy Crush under the table on your phone while looking up and nodding when necessary so that nobody can tell that you really, really don't care about Uncle Jeff's 30-minute ice fishing story (which you've already heard over 7 times) •When the time to unwrap presents rolls around, you get to practice your acting skillz (which will help you to pursue your dream of having a successful acting career) as you convincingly recite memorized lines such as "oh my god I love it!" or "this is just what I wanted!!" while opening green glittery jeggings and a Grow Your Own Turnip kit. •After the holiday is over, you'll remember that you spent your entire food budget for the week on a pair of shoes for your sister, which makes for an excellent diet technique. CONS • No decent restaurants are open, so if you're boring like my family and don't make an event of Christmas dinner you're going to be stuck either eating deep-friend wontons (that leave you feeling like an alligator is chewing on your intestines), or making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. • Someone is going to bake or purchase some sort of really gross dessert for you (e.g. off-brand jelly beans, raspberry-filled dark chocolates, Aunt Lisa's sugar-free, 30-calorie, gluten-free, low-carb, nonfat cookies...) that you really have no desire to consume, but you will either have to eat it anyway (out of politeness), or dump it in the trashcan when they look away, causing you to feel like the second worst person ever to exist, right behind Hitler. • You can really only play Candy Crush for so long before your phone inevitably dies (likely due to irritating-relative-induced suicide), leaving you wondering how you can do the same. • I promise you that someone is going to unwrap a new laptop at the same time that you unwrap a pair of fuzzy socks or a 3-pack of Walmart underwear. • You'll realize that your post-Christmas financial crisis will require you to sell everything you own on eBay, including your body and soul. but all that aside, my favorite thing about the holidays is that me and my boyfriend always–- Welp, on that note, I'm going to go nap. Indefinitely. Merry Christmas my loves, please feel free to leave comments. even brutal hate comments are acceptable. whatever your heart desires. Can you believe this blog is just a few days away from being a year old? wow I can't believe I'm still writing it, I definitely thought I'd have forgotten about it by now. lucky you. merry crriiiismiiiiisss! I hope you get lit af. xxx, mandiiiiieeeeee
2 Comments
Hello my friends, Allow me to tell you a tragic (yet unfortunately true) tale. It will be published in my award-winning (I like to be optimistic) novel called IT WAS cLIT!: The Life of a World-Renowned Multi-Billionaire Blogger, coming to stores near you in 2095!! Just kidding. There won't be any bookstores in 2095. Maybe tell your grandkids to download it on their mind-controlled, floating iPad 50s. But tell them in advance, because I can't guarantee that you or I will still be around when my book comes out. Anyway, because I am an extraordinarily kind, giving, loving, incredible, beautiful, talented, intelligent, famous, and humble individual, I am giving you a FREE PREVIEW (jk Venmo me) of IWC:TLWRMBB (the catchy easy-to-remember acronym for my autobiography, obviously) here's the story. . .get some tissues ready: My name is Mandie and I am either a vampire or an insomniac. On weekends it is not uncommon for me to go to bed at 7am, but on weekdays I'm a good girl and I go to bed early, between 3 and 4am. I wish I wasn't like this, but I also wish I had prettier friends and cooler readers. Basically what I'm saying is that sometimes you can't have what you want, even if you're really, really, ridiculously wealthy, like myself (," she said, as she looked at her bank account's balance on her phone and saw that she had $4.23 to her name). Tonight (or, uh, since it's now 5:26am, I suppose "last night" would be more accurate) I started to feel really tired at 12:07am. I remember the specific time, because it was a very notable event in my life, and I like to remember the rare moments in which my body functions like that of a normal, healthy individual. So at 12:09 am, after I had two minutes to beat level 673 (wish I was kidding) of Candy Crush and process the fact that, holy shit, my body was ready for sleep ALREADY, I decided to go to sleep...AT 12:09AM!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND? That is the middle of the afternoon, in my world. I drifted off peacefully, fantasizing about my future as a diurnal human being (wow I just said "diurnal." Look mom, I'm a scholar). I then woke up at 3:15am, because, as we all know, good things never last (kind of like your boyfriend in bed). Apparently I had not gone to bed, but rather I had simply taken a nice little "afternoon" nap. Feel free to send sympathy cards as I mourn the destruction of my hopes and dreams of diurnalness (never mind, mom, I just said "diurnalness." I knew I wasn't a scholar). Or just straight up cash works too, whatever works for you is fine by me. Alright, I hope you enjoyed that sad, yet riveting preview of my upcoming novel. Now wipe your tears, we must go on. Anyhow, because I am a highly intelligent, truly remarkable individual (as previously stated), I decided that I would make the best of the situation. I accepted the fact that sleep would not be occurring for a while, and I made the only decision that made sense: why? Because when you are as gifted as I, you feel the need to share your talent with the world. so here I am, at an ungodly hour, providing you with some truly riveting content, as always. I suppose it's time to stop rambling and...um, ramble about something else? Without further ado, LET'S GET cLIT!!! Part 1: |