WELCOME TO MANDIEMORE!! huuuuge thanks to everyone who's helped me with the blog's makeover, especially Sarah (who came up with the name) and Arielle (who made the logo)!! I appreciate you!!! It's good that we settled on MandieMore, because the only other things we thought of are: toemygod syphilisten snobwithablob (if u don't catch the reference, pls leave immediately) ikeepchildreninmybasement so here we are, and my blog has my name in it and a reference to a somewhat-irrelevant celebrity, but hey– at least it's not a sex pun anymore!!! Baby steps, my friends... baby. steps. anyway, Part 1: Poetry, duh.
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ttyl,
mandie
mandie
ps: here are some gifs for you to enjoy
ps: wowza this post was long. you know what they say, "long blog post, long. . . shoes?"
anyway, this took 7 1/2 hours. please leave a comment. you owe me.
anyway, this took 7 1/2 hours. please leave a comment. you owe me.
Sup sluts?
I know, I know, you thought you got rid of me. But here I am, posting sporadically bc these posts take me at least 3.5 hours to create. SO YOU'D BETTER FUCKIN APPRECIATE IT.
Okay! Now that I'm done shouting, Happy (belated) Mother's Day!! This post is late, but hey now, so was your mom's period when she realized she was growing a demon in her stomach.
Anyhow, as my Mother's Day gift to you, here's a post for you because I love you. Make sure to share it with your mom!!I'm kidding, please don't. She's a nice woman do not scare her like that, you little shit.
I know, I know, you thought you got rid of me. But here I am, posting sporadically bc these posts take me at least 3.5 hours to create. SO YOU'D BETTER FUCKIN APPRECIATE IT.
Okay! Now that I'm done shouting, Happy (belated) Mother's Day!! This post is late, but hey now, so was your mom's period when she realized she was growing a demon in her stomach.
Anyhow, as my Mother's Day gift to you, here's a post for you because I love you. Make sure to share it with your mom!!I'm kidding, please don't. She's a nice woman do not scare her like that, you little shit.
Part 1: Pottery! wait no I meant Poetry!!
sorry for the tease; no ceramics here, sorry.
anyway, here's a Mother's Day poem I wrote for you. It's about the miracle of birth.
Ew Babies Lol How About No
by mandie
You squeezed it out of you so I'll pretend I wanna hold it,
but if I'm being real with you, the fuck is that? It's horrid!
Its weird and pink and fragile and I honestly might break it,
but I see that you're obsessed with it, so I'll just have to fake it.
"Congrats!" I say, "she's beautiful, and she looks just like you!"
(but it looks like an alien, so sorry, that ain't true).
You stick your nipple in its face hole right when it begins to wail;
huh, that's how I soothed my boyfriend Pat, before he went to jail.
But anyway, please God no, I don't wanna hold that baby,
but you insist I hold your little one, oh no, Please Jesus save me.
I paste a smile on my face and try to look excited,
I hold my arms out, terrified, you beam at me, delighted.
You hand me your new mole rat, oops I'm sorry, I meant "daughter,"
and as I take the little thing my face starts getting hotter.
I hold it and I smile, but I swear I cannot breathe!
What's happening? I might pass out; I really need to leave.
"GIVE HER TO ME," you demand– you don't ask if I'm okay,
I'm covered in huge reddish spots, my face is turning grey,
my head is throbbing, my stomach hurts, but way worse than the flu,
and oh, my hands are turning a concerning shade of blue.
I collapse, my mouth starts foaming, and you scream, "DO YOU HAVE RABIES?"
No, but I think I'm allergic to these creepy things called "babies."
anyway, here's a Mother's Day poem I wrote for you. It's about the miracle of birth.
Ew Babies Lol How About No
by mandie
You squeezed it out of you so I'll pretend I wanna hold it,
but if I'm being real with you, the fuck is that? It's horrid!
Its weird and pink and fragile and I honestly might break it,
but I see that you're obsessed with it, so I'll just have to fake it.
"Congrats!" I say, "she's beautiful, and she looks just like you!"
(but it looks like an alien, so sorry, that ain't true).
You stick your nipple in its face hole right when it begins to wail;
huh, that's how I soothed my boyfriend Pat, before he went to jail.
But anyway, please God no, I don't wanna hold that baby,
but you insist I hold your little one, oh no, Please Jesus save me.
I paste a smile on my face and try to look excited,
I hold my arms out, terrified, you beam at me, delighted.
You hand me your new mole rat, oops I'm sorry, I meant "daughter,"
and as I take the little thing my face starts getting hotter.
I hold it and I smile, but I swear I cannot breathe!
What's happening? I might pass out; I really need to leave.
"GIVE HER TO ME," you demand– you don't ask if I'm okay,
I'm covered in huge reddish spots, my face is turning grey,
my head is throbbing, my stomach hurts, but way worse than the flu,
and oh, my hands are turning a concerning shade of blue.
I collapse, my mouth starts foaming, and you scream, "DO YOU HAVE RABIES?"
No, but I think I'm allergic to these creepy things called "babies."
Part 2: ANONYMOUS ~Sexy~ STORIES SUBMITTED BY Y'ALL
(I'm southern so I said y'all to show all of you that I'm southern. Did I mention that I'm southern? Bc I'M southern)
1) "A guy and were I about to hook up for the first time, and I could tell that he was really insecure. in fact, when his pants came off he looked at me and said, 'so...do you like my dick?'
What.
After we had sex, he asked, 'what's your favorite part of my body?'
I told him I liked his shoulders and butt, and he said, 'not my dick?'
ughhh. men."
What.
After we had sex, he asked, 'what's your favorite part of my body?'
I told him I liked his shoulders and butt, and he said, 'not my dick?'
ughhh. men."
2) "Recently, I was hooking up with a new guy for the first time. He attempted to finger me which, apparently, in his mind means RAMMING his fingers in super high up (closer to my nasal passage than my g spot) and then furiously pumping them in and out for a minute. It all happened so fast that I kinda yelped and my vag just freaked out and clamped down. He freaked and was like 'oh my god, I think my finger is sprained.'"
Part 3: Tarzan is fucking weird, dude. Like actually wtf did I just watch.
No, This is not mothers' day related. I am fully aware of this. Whatever IT's FINE.
Have you ever rewatched a movie that you loved in your youth and come to the unfortunate realization that it seemed far, far better and far, far, FAR more innocent back then?
Me too.
Recently I had this experience with Tarzan. I recently watched it for the first time since my childhood, and I was horrified to discover that the movie was not at all what I remembered. Not only is the movie pretty dark, it's also just really goddamn weird in numerous other ways which I will Kindly share with you right here. right now.
Ok.
So.
Shortly after the film begins, lil baby Tarzan's parents are brutally murdered by a leopard and their bloody, mangled bodies are left in the corner across from his crib. As far as I know, that's not how the majority of children's movies begin. But hey, whatever, it happens. Sometimes parents are torn to pieces in front of their infant baby...right?...???.?..?
Me too.
Recently I had this experience with Tarzan. I recently watched it for the first time since my childhood, and I was horrified to discover that the movie was not at all what I remembered. Not only is the movie pretty dark, it's also just really goddamn weird in numerous other ways which I will Kindly share with you right here. right now.
Ok.
So.
Shortly after the film begins, lil baby Tarzan's parents are brutally murdered by a leopard and their bloody, mangled bodies are left in the corner across from his crib. As far as I know, that's not how the majority of children's movies begin. But hey, whatever, it happens. Sometimes parents are torn to pieces in front of their infant baby...right?...???.?..?
Anyway, then a lady gorilla finds and adopts lil Tarzy baby. D'awww. How sweet. Remember when that happened for real in 2016? Like it was literally the exact same situation!! So cute!! But, oh, right, then the gorilla was then shot to death and turned into an internet meme.
ANYWAY, the movie continues and Tarzan grows into a species-confused, totally #shredded adult with long, lovely locks and a loincloth that MiRaCuLoUsLy manages to never expose his schlong. Or his ass, come to think of it. Wow! where can I get one of those?
Like, furreal dude, its impressive as hell. he'll be swinging from vine to vine, doin fancy ass flips n shit, and yet his man-noodle never ONCE makes an appearance. And the only theory I can come up with to explain such a miracle is that perhaps Tarzan lacks genitalia altogether. Now seems like a good time to tell you all that I, too, have the same condition. But hey, that's enough about me. Back to the story of our darling penisless gorilla man.
ANYWAY, the movie continues and Tarzan grows into a species-confused, totally #shredded adult with long, lovely locks and a loincloth that MiRaCuLoUsLy manages to never expose his schlong. Or his ass, come to think of it. Wow! where can I get one of those?
Like, furreal dude, its impressive as hell. he'll be swinging from vine to vine, doin fancy ass flips n shit, and yet his man-noodle never ONCE makes an appearance. And the only theory I can come up with to explain such a miracle is that perhaps Tarzan lacks genitalia altogether. Now seems like a good time to tell you all that I, too, have the same condition. But hey, that's enough about me. Back to the story of our darling penisless gorilla man.
The end of the movie is possibly my favorite part of the whole movie.
It's time for sweet lil monkey-lovin Janie Boo to go home :((( And yes, this means she must leave the human gorilla with whom she has fallen truly, deeply, passionately in lust with. As her ship departs, her father (whom I have to assume lacks a vital part of his brain) notices that his darling lil daughter looks all bummed about leaving Tarzan, whom she has developed a rather absurd (considering that he speaks gorilla rather than English, lacks all social skills, and probably bathes once per month. But hey, some girls just really like abs.) crush on in her time in the jungle. And can you guess what he does? Well, of course, he does what any good (albeit severely mentally disabled) father would: he tells his daughter to go spend the rest of her life in the jungle with the monkey dude she met a few days previously.
and kids, I'm happy to announce that Jane took her monkey love to all new levels. She begins to bang the honorary gorilla that is Tarzan. And they live happily ever after. In the jungle. Without electricity. Without human interaction (outside of her mentally disabled father and her half-gorilla boyfriend, neither of whom should be considered valid substitutes for actual, functioning humans), without FDA-approved food, and without medical professionals. But most importantly (and most frighteningly), without wifi.
It's time for sweet lil monkey-lovin Janie Boo to go home :((( And yes, this means she must leave the human gorilla with whom she has fallen truly, deeply, passionately in lust with. As her ship departs, her father (whom I have to assume lacks a vital part of his brain) notices that his darling lil daughter looks all bummed about leaving Tarzan, whom she has developed a rather absurd (considering that he speaks gorilla rather than English, lacks all social skills, and probably bathes once per month. But hey, some girls just really like abs.) crush on in her time in the jungle. And can you guess what he does? Well, of course, he does what any good (albeit severely mentally disabled) father would: he tells his daughter to go spend the rest of her life in the jungle with the monkey dude she met a few days previously.
and kids, I'm happy to announce that Jane took her monkey love to all new levels. She begins to bang the honorary gorilla that is Tarzan. And they live happily ever after. In the jungle. Without electricity. Without human interaction (outside of her mentally disabled father and her half-gorilla boyfriend, neither of whom should be considered valid substitutes for actual, functioning humans), without FDA-approved food, and without medical professionals. But most importantly (and most frighteningly), without wifi.
that's all for now, folks! Remember, you have a very limited time period to make your debut on Teen Mom, so if it's not too late for you, stop procrastinating and start procreating!!!
or just move into the jungle and try to find yourself a nice loinclothed man to grow old with.
OR, if neither of those options are quite your style, find yourself a Brandon.
Brandon here made a 20 minute vlog of him taking his cat, Diva, to the vet to get spayed. Ah, Brandon. What an icon.
Cheq out dis sexy profile picture mmmmmm bb. Clearly, Brandon gets hella pussy.
or just move into the jungle and try to find yourself a nice loinclothed man to grow old with.
OR, if neither of those options are quite your style, find yourself a Brandon.
Brandon here made a 20 minute vlog of him taking his cat, Diva, to the vet to get spayed. Ah, Brandon. What an icon.
Cheq out dis sexy profile picture mmmmmm bb. Clearly, Brandon gets hella pussy.
Bye bitchez.
♡ ♡ ♡
mandie
♡ ♡ ♡
mandie
sap betches
sip batches
sop butches
sep botches
SUP BITCHES??
I'm here, and I am officially a big kid. I'm 20!! You know what that means? Nothing. Literally nothing. I still can't go to bars, I still can't buy weed at dispensaries in California, and I STILL. CAN'T. DRESS MYSELF. Fashionably, that is. Well, sometimes I wear clean vans instead of my fucked up ones...is that fashion? Then again, I'm not sure if that has anything to do with my age.
sip batches
sop butches
sep botches
SUP BITCHES??
I'm here, and I am officially a big kid. I'm 20!! You know what that means? Nothing. Literally nothing. I still can't go to bars, I still can't buy weed at dispensaries in California, and I STILL. CAN'T. DRESS MYSELF. Fashionably, that is. Well, sometimes I wear clean vans instead of my fucked up ones...is that fashion? Then again, I'm not sure if that has anything to do with my age.
Part 1: Poetry
Frat Boys
"oh my god I met a frat boy," little Tina Walland said.
"He told me that I'm pretty, so of course I gave him head."
"Oh god Tina, not a frat boy!" said her friend Alexa Lore,
you see Tina was a freshman, she'd never known frat boys before.
"No it's fine, it's fine, don't worry," Tina reassured her friend,
"I'm pretty sure he is the one for me, he said I'm good in bed."
"NO, Tina! He's just using you, frat boys just waste girls' time,"
"You're wrong, Lexi," Tina argued, "I'm his soulmate and he's mine."
Alexa rolled her eyes but she knew Tina wasn't gonna budge,
besides, she'd had her share of frat boys, so she really couldn't judge.
"He's in Delta, he's my boyfriend...well, at least I think he is...
I hope so, cause I'm house shopping and I've named our first two kids."
Alexa groaned internally, but kept her outward self composed,
maybe Tina'd met a rare frat boy, one that doesn't have twelve hoes.
"He's the sweetest, you'd just love him!...but oh god, oh god please don't."
"I won't take him from you Tina, come on now, you know I won't.
Now tell me more about him, since you insist he's great,
I want every single detail of why you were out so late."
"Well, I met him and we fell in love, I saw it in his eyes,
and one minute later, oh surprise, he's in between my thighs!
He hasn't texted me since then, maybe he broke his phone...
or maybe his dog chewed it when he was left home alone.
he's prob'ly still recounting every detail of the night.
to his frat brothers, friends, and family; saying "wow, it felt so right."
"Oh, Jason Kends my darling, my future husband, my kids' dad...
silly Lexi! Can't believe you thought all frat boys were so bad."
"Oh god, Jason? No, not Jason, oh god damn you Jason Kends,"
dearest Jesus, darling Tina, he's banging seven of my friends."
"oh my god I met a frat boy," little Tina Walland said.
"He told me that I'm pretty, so of course I gave him head."
"Oh god Tina, not a frat boy!" said her friend Alexa Lore,
you see Tina was a freshman, she'd never known frat boys before.
"No it's fine, it's fine, don't worry," Tina reassured her friend,
"I'm pretty sure he is the one for me, he said I'm good in bed."
"NO, Tina! He's just using you, frat boys just waste girls' time,"
"You're wrong, Lexi," Tina argued, "I'm his soulmate and he's mine."
Alexa rolled her eyes but she knew Tina wasn't gonna budge,
besides, she'd had her share of frat boys, so she really couldn't judge.
"He's in Delta, he's my boyfriend...well, at least I think he is...
I hope so, cause I'm house shopping and I've named our first two kids."
Alexa groaned internally, but kept her outward self composed,
maybe Tina'd met a rare frat boy, one that doesn't have twelve hoes.
"He's the sweetest, you'd just love him!...but oh god, oh god please don't."
"I won't take him from you Tina, come on now, you know I won't.
Now tell me more about him, since you insist he's great,
I want every single detail of why you were out so late."
"Well, I met him and we fell in love, I saw it in his eyes,
and one minute later, oh surprise, he's in between my thighs!
He hasn't texted me since then, maybe he broke his phone...
or maybe his dog chewed it when he was left home alone.
he's prob'ly still recounting every detail of the night.
to his frat brothers, friends, and family; saying "wow, it felt so right."
"Oh, Jason Kends my darling, my future husband, my kids' dad...
silly Lexi! Can't believe you thought all frat boys were so bad."
"Oh god, Jason? No, not Jason, oh god damn you Jason Kends,"
dearest Jesus, darling Tina, he's banging seven of my friends."
Part 2: Bob I'm Taking your phone away
A truly "special" individual has been contacting a dear friend of mine, whose name shall not be revealed, for privacy reasons. Just kidding, it's Marissa. She lives at 2669 Tapo Street in Simi Valley, California (Zip code 93063) and her social security number is 615-16-6179. Here's a picture of her ⟶ I ask you to please not contact her, but if you're going to, her phone number is 805-527-2217. Side note, she loves photos of anything long, girthy, and flesh-toned. Anyhow, now that that's out of the way, let's get back to the original topic. Marissa (remember: SSN 615-16-6179) has been receiving texts from a rather unique male specimen. Because I wouldn't want to reveal any of his private information, we'll refer to him as Bob McKnob. |
Bob McKnob has a very creative way of conversating, and Marissa (of 2669 Tapo Street) has been kind enough to forward some of his texts to me so that I, too, can be entertained by his uniquity. And, because all of my friends are violently forced to sign a release permitting me to blog about anything and everything they text me, I have decided to share these texts with you all. So friends, please enjoy the following texts from Mr. Robert McKnob.
1) BOB McKNOB ON...GLASSES:
McKnob: "I like your glasses"
Marissa: "Thanks!"
McKnob: "You on that librarian shit?"
2) BOB McKNOB ON...BABYSITTING:
"You watchin some badass lil hormonal 6th graders?"
3) BOB McKNOB ON...INTERESTING FACTS:
"Yeah, interesting lil facts like that are always interesting."
4) BOB McKNOB ON...????? idk pls help
"like giving baby's wine like I woulda been one turnt baby"
** I would provide context, but even in context this text still makes no sense so I'm not gonna bother.
Part 3: LET's find u a sugar daddy/mommy/baby!!
My lovely friend Sarah (hi Sarah idk if you read this but hello there thx 4 the inspiration) posted this pic on her finsta:
The moment I saw it, I knew I HAD to make my own version of this. So that's what I did. So if you need some help coming up with a username for seekingarrangement.com (or a different sugar daddy matching site! it's up to you, dear), allow me to offer my assistance. Ready?
Here ya go! feel free to comment your username in the comment section down below (WHICH NONE OF YOU USE BECAUSE YOU ARE ALL T E R R I B L E PEOPLE).
Here ya go! feel free to comment your username in the comment section down below (WHICH NONE OF YOU USE BECAUSE YOU ARE ALL T E R R I B L E PEOPLE).
there's probably some sort of error in that pic, but I don't have 27,432,783 hours to edit this so TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT. if it still doesn't make sense, then that sounds like a you problem.
I kind of want to do a giveaway, like a real blogger. except instead of winning something cool like a laptop, you win a $15 surprise item from amazon, which will be the strangest thing I can find within $15 because I'M BROKE AS A JOKE. like the kind of terrible joke that is so bad that only I laugh at it, and everyone else sits there with blank expressions on their faces.
idk lmk if you'd be interested. I'm at 120 readers which is flipping awesome (thx guys I'm honored wow :') ) but I really want more so that I have more people to submit stories and ideas and stuff! so I'm thinking for a giveaway I'd just have people enter by sending a link to the blog to at least 5 people (u can prove it by emailing me screenshots of the texts with the recipients' names), and at least one of them has to subscribe to IT'ScLIT! notification emails. oh and you (the one entering the giveaway) have to be subscribed too!!
idk if anyone would wanna participate...text me/email me/comment below what you think! I'll let you know if I decide to do it.
anyway,
thanks for reading the blog!!! pls comment and show ur love.
I kind of want to do a giveaway, like a real blogger. except instead of winning something cool like a laptop, you win a $15 surprise item from amazon, which will be the strangest thing I can find within $15 because I'M BROKE AS A JOKE. like the kind of terrible joke that is so bad that only I laugh at it, and everyone else sits there with blank expressions on their faces.
idk lmk if you'd be interested. I'm at 120 readers which is flipping awesome (thx guys I'm honored wow :') ) but I really want more so that I have more people to submit stories and ideas and stuff! so I'm thinking for a giveaway I'd just have people enter by sending a link to the blog to at least 5 people (u can prove it by emailing me screenshots of the texts with the recipients' names), and at least one of them has to subscribe to IT'ScLIT! notification emails. oh and you (the one entering the giveaway) have to be subscribed too!!
idk if anyone would wanna participate...text me/email me/comment below what you think! I'll let you know if I decide to do it.
anyway,
thanks for reading the blog!!! pls comment and show ur love.
luv u.
xoxo,
thirsty4u_xxx
xoxo,
thirsty4u_xxx
HELLO!
Happy March!! To celebrate the beginning of my birthday month, I'm watching my cat lick her own asshole. She's really going for it. I'm such a proud mommy. I don't have anyone to lick my asshole and I can't lick my own, so I'll just live vicariously through Taffy.
Happy March!! To celebrate the beginning of my birthday month, I'm watching my cat lick her own asshole. She's really going for it. I'm such a proud mommy. I don't have anyone to lick my asshole and I can't lick my own, so I'll just live vicariously through Taffy.
SPEAKING OF CATS DID I MENTION I HAVE A NEW BABYCHILD?! his name is Mac (like the pasta w/ cheese or the makeup brand, whatever tickles your pickle) and he is a delightful little noodle. He's 3 months (or in mom language, 12 weeks) old and he's so cute and wittle.
LOOK AT THIS THING. I grew him in my womb and birthed him all by myself, which explains why he's so intensely beautiful. Runs in the family, clearly. Anyway, here are some pics of my pussy and then I'll get on with the blog since apparently you guys "don't read the blog to see pictures of cats," which honestly, I'm offended by, but it's ok I still love you.
LOOK AT THIS THING. I grew him in my womb and birthed him all by myself, which explains why he's so intensely beautiful. Runs in the family, clearly. Anyway, here are some pics of my pussy and then I'll get on with the blog since apparently you guys "don't read the blog to see pictures of cats," which honestly, I'm offended by, but it's ok I still love you.
now that I'm done forcing you to admire my children, let's get to it.
Part 1: Poetry
Busy by mandie I'm sorry, but I can't go out, I have so much to do. I have to watch my favorite movie and clean the stain off my left shoe. I wish I could come out with you, I know, I know, it sucks! But I have to wipe my table and get change for twenty bucks. I need to hang out with my goldfish, and delete my junk inbox, and oh god, I just remembered, I need to photograph my socks. I simply don't have time tonight I'm really, really busy, gotta organize my bananas and make sure my Coke is fizzy. I must straighten out my lampshade, need to dust my carpet floor; and I'd better give my cat a bath, he's never bathed before. Tonight just isn't gonna work, I'm sorry, I have plans! I have to try to lick my elbow and sort all my rubber bands. I need to set my clock three minutes back and then forward again, I have to go on Instagram and stalk my brother's friend. I'll go out with you next week! Actually, I prob'ly won't, each time you say "Wanna go out?" I really, really don't. |
PART 2: I watched fidget spinner porn and it's all your fault
WARNING: This part is very sexual and includes images that might make some of you uncomfortable. Feel free to exit out of this post if you are uncomfortable with or offended by this content. Also, if you're twelve, get off my damn blog.
In May of 2017, "Fidget spinner" was the fifth top-searched term on Pornhub. I love America.
Because I am a kind and gentle soul, I have chosen to sacrifice my own eyeholes to save yours...yep, that's right: I watched fidget spinner porn.
and let me just tell you: it. was. incredible.
To save you from torching all of your brain cells, I have chosen to be Jesus and sacrifice myself for my followers. It's not like I had many brain cells left anyway.
I shall now commence graphically detailing every beautiful moment of my new favorite film, Hot Blonde Teen Loves Fidget Spinner Ass Plug.
Let's go.
**Note: I highly recommend viewing this section on a computer rather than your phone, or the formatting will be somewhat awkward and confusing
Because I am a kind and gentle soul, I have chosen to sacrifice my own eyeholes to save yours...yep, that's right: I watched fidget spinner porn.
and let me just tell you: it. was. incredible.
To save you from torching all of your brain cells, I have chosen to be Jesus and sacrifice myself for my followers. It's not like I had many brain cells left anyway.
I shall now commence graphically detailing every beautiful moment of my new favorite film, Hot Blonde Teen Loves Fidget Spinner Ass Plug.
Let's go.
**Note: I highly recommend viewing this section on a computer rather than your phone, or the formatting will be somewhat awkward and confusing
![Picture](/uploads/9/8/4/4/98444082/editor/screen-shot-2018-03-01-at-1-40-26-pm.png?250)
1) our scene opens with our star, Hot Blonde Teen, walking into her home. She is VERY excited to see this package waiting for her. "fuck yeah!! I've been waiting for this for so long!" she then jumps up and down squealing to remind the audience that she is a teen, because apparently guys like to imagine that they're fucking a 16-year-old...?
![Picture](/uploads/9/8/4/4/98444082/editor/screen-shot-2018-03-01-at-1-40-46-pm.png?250)
Hot Blonde Teen walks into her room and moans excessively while opening aforementioned package. Something about the cardboard just really gets her going. She unwraps the package and...
![Picture](/uploads/9/8/4/4/98444082/published/screen-shot-2018-03-01-at-1-41-59-pm.png?250)
voila! she pulls out a fidget spinner butt plug that is approximately one seventeenth the size of the box it was mailed in. Hot Blonde Teen seems unfazed by this fact. She sits there spinning it for like 45 very uncomfortable seconds, during which she says, "this is awesome...this is gonna be even more awesome in my butt"
![Picture](/uploads/9/8/4/4/98444082/editor/screenshot2018-03-01at1-44-07pm.jpg?250)
"time to put this bad boy in my butt" she announces to herself. and then, as you may have guessed, she puts that bad boy in her butt. She then lays down, legs spread and moans while she twirls the fidget spinner, which is now peering out of her ass.Please note that the actual fidget spinner does not enter her rectum. the fidget spinner is on the end of a plain old butt plug, so that the spinner can be enjoyed during special moments with your significant other. or yourself. clearly Hot Blonde Teen doesn't need no man to enjoy that fidget spinner butt plug, and neither do you! But if you're in a relationship, sweet; have babe stick the fidget spinner butt plug in your ass, it'll be all romantic.
![Picture](/uploads/9/8/4/4/98444082/published/screen-shot-2018-03-01-at-1-45-15-pm.png?1519989992)
Uh oh! Hot Blonde Teen's father walks upstairs with his empty cup full of nothing, and hears his daughter moaning loudly in her room. Naturally, as any good father would, he stands by the door and watches his teenaged daughter masturbate with a fidget spinner butt plug.
![Picture](/uploads/9/8/4/4/98444082/editor/screen-shot-2018-03-01-at-1-47-24-pm.png?1519980705)
Dad clearly isn't the best at being inconspicuous, he drops his completely empty Nutribullet (#notsponsored) blender cup on the floor (photos below for reference), making his presence apparent to his daughter.
"Daddy what are you doing?!" says HBT in a panic.
"Oh, uh, I was just, uh passing by and...uh..wait what is that?"
"Daddy what are you doing?!" says HBT in a panic.
"Oh, uh, I was just, uh passing by and...uh..wait what is that?"
![Picture](/uploads/9/8/4/4/98444082/editor/screenshot2018-03-01at1-49-19pm-3.jpg?1519980591)
"It's a fidget spinner," explains Hot Blonde Teen, spreading her legs for her father to see.
Dad is clearly fascinated by such a gadget. He lays next to his daughter to get a closer look at the children's toy in her vag.
(((why is there so much incest porn??? ew)))
Dad is clearly fascinated by such a gadget. He lays next to his daughter to get a closer look at the children's toy in her vag.
(((why is there so much incest porn??? ew)))
![Picture](/uploads/9/8/4/4/98444082/published/screenshot2018-03-01at1-49-53pm.jpg?1520146469)
"so, uh...you ever think about putting something in this hole while that's in there?" asks Dad, tapping HBT's bone dry vagina.
"Like what?" asks our cute but clearly not-so-bright protagonist.
Well uh...let me show you..." responds dad.
*zip*
"Like what?" asks our cute but clearly not-so-bright protagonist.
Well uh...let me show you..." responds dad.
*zip*
![Picture](/uploads/9/8/4/4/98444082/published/screen-shot-2018-03-02-at-4-00-04-am.png?1519981272)
"oh wow, that's what you're talking about." realizes Hot Blonde Teen. I'm unsure as to what she was expecting...a root vegetable, perhaps? QTNA.
"don't tell mom...you know she'd kick you out of the house," she says.
![Picture](/uploads/9/8/4/4/98444082/editor/screenshot2018-03-01at1-58-20pm.jpg?250)
Our classy little lady proceeds to suck off her father while he spins her fidget spinner (Wow, now there's one sentence I never thought I'd write), and then they start having sex. She's bone dry and it looks really uncomfortable, but hey girl, you do you. She makes sure to keep her fidget spinner spinning during the action, of course.
![Picture](/uploads/9/8/4/4/98444082/editor/screenshot2018-03-01at1-54-36pm.jpg?1519978475)
Here we see Hot Blonde Teen in the throes of ecstasy as her dad continues to ram himself into her. They take turns spinning the fidget spinner, which is a beautiful bonding moment for them. Yay teamwork!!
![Picture](/uploads/9/8/4/4/98444082/published/screen-shot-2018-03-02-at-4-09-36-am.png?1520146332)
"I'm touching myself for you," *seductive smile* "I want you to cum all over this fidget spinner."
as you can imagine, she got just what she asked for. and with that, it's over. It was a beautiful film which I will absolutely be sharing with my friends and my entire extended family.
Overall, I give this video 16 stars out of 5. It was very well done, Hot Blonde Teen clearly put a lot of time in practicing her moans and her dirty talk voice. The acting was impeccable. flawless. top-notch. I definitely expect to see this masterpiece nominated for an Oscar. I guess I'll find out tomorrow.
as you can imagine, she got just what she asked for. and with that, it's over. It was a beautiful film which I will absolutely be sharing with my friends and my entire extended family.
Overall, I give this video 16 stars out of 5. It was very well done, Hot Blonde Teen clearly put a lot of time in practicing her moans and her dirty talk voice. The acting was impeccable. flawless. top-notch. I definitely expect to see this masterpiece nominated for an Oscar. I guess I'll find out tomorrow.
PART 3: DeALBReAKeR or naw?
Imagine: you've been in a relationship for 5 years (lol can't rel8) with a person who makes life feel as wonderful as a box of chocolates in which there are NO raspberry-filled ones. thank god. in other words, this person makes you as jolly as Santa clause on December 24th at 11:59pm. They delight you like a """facial""" that doesn't get in your eyeball. They excite you like the prospect of keeping liquids down when you have norovirus. They comfort you like macaroni and cheese when you failed your midterm on the 12th anniversary of the day your father walked out. They make you smile like a picture of Jesus in a temple.
They give you great head.
Get it? good.
anyhow, with that in mind, would you break up with your boo after finding out any of the following tidbits of information? let's play a game of DEAL(breaker) OR NO DEAL(breaker)!
They give you great head.
Get it? good.
anyhow, with that in mind, would you break up with your boo after finding out any of the following tidbits of information? let's play a game of DEAL(breaker) OR NO DEAL(breaker)!
bye bitches! Thanks for taking a few minutes out of your boring, meaningless life to read this crap.
Before I go, remember: I'm better than ALL of you in nearly every single way.
Love you!! Have a great day. Or don't. I don't really care either way.
no I'm kidding I love you I hope your life is going perfectly.
xx,
Mandie
no I'm kidding I love you I hope your life is going perfectly.
xx,
Mandie
HI GUYS!
a little birdie told me it's Valentine's Day! and then another little birdie told me that I don't give a shit.
a little birdie told me it's Valentine's Day! and then another little birdie told me that I don't give a shit.
omg.
dudes.
guess what
100 humans read the blog this week! this is truly an honor. I always knew I was meant for the life in the spotlight. the paparazzi are already obsessed with me! well, either that, or someone else keeps trying to take pictures of me in the shower.
It's probably the paparazzi, though.
dudes.
guess what
100 humans read the blog this week! this is truly an honor. I always knew I was meant for the life in the spotlight. the paparazzi are already obsessed with me! well, either that, or someone else keeps trying to take pictures of me in the shower.
It's probably the paparazzi, though.
I have a quick question, if you don't mind. In fact, I have a question even if you do mind:
now.
LET'S!
GET!
cLIT!
LET'S!
GET!
cLIT!
PART 1: POETRY OFC
Soulmate
by Mandie
"That lady's just so lovely," I said as I saw her pass by.
"She's definitely beautiful," said my friend on the passenger side.
"How can I tell her that she's gorgeous and express that I respect her,
that I'll be better than her ex, whether he cheated, dumped, or left her?"
My friend shrugged, but I was worried, for this woman could be great;
how could I miss this opportunity, what if she was my soulmate?
"Oh gosh, I'm about to pass her, I think I know just what to do"
So I stuck my head out of the car window and yelled, "DAMN GURL WHAT THAT MOUTH DO?"
by Mandie
"That lady's just so lovely," I said as I saw her pass by.
"She's definitely beautiful," said my friend on the passenger side.
"How can I tell her that she's gorgeous and express that I respect her,
that I'll be better than her ex, whether he cheated, dumped, or left her?"
My friend shrugged, but I was worried, for this woman could be great;
how could I miss this opportunity, what if she was my soulmate?
"Oh gosh, I'm about to pass her, I think I know just what to do"
So I stuck my head out of the car window and yelled, "DAMN GURL WHAT THAT MOUTH DO?"
part 2: Never give up <3
(except now, because you're not taking the hint and it's making me uncomfortable)
Ladies, if you are as stunningly beautiful as myself (doubtful), you've likely experienced the strange phenomenon that we here in America refer to as "receiving relentless Instagram DMs from males in whom you have zero interest." I am going to refer to the aforementioned phenomenon as RRIDMFMIWYHZI. Look it up, it's a real thing!
That's pronounced RRIDMFMIWYHZI, in case you were unsure.
Anyhow, to raise awareness for RRIDMFMIWYHZI, I have chosen to put aside my PTSD and show you what we ("we" as in beautiful, large-breasted, 5'10, blonde bombshells with the ass of Nicki Minaj) go through each and every day.
That's pronounced RRIDMFMIWYHZI, in case you were unsure.
Anyhow, to raise awareness for RRIDMFMIWYHZI, I have chosen to put aside my PTSD and show you what we ("we" as in beautiful, large-breasted, 5'10, blonde bombshells with the ass of Nicki Minaj) go through each and every day.
ATTENTION MALES! ¡ATENCIóN MACHOS!
pay close attention. Please keep in mind that the chances of you getting laid via SRIDMTFWHZIIY (sending relentless Instagram DMs to females who have zero interest in you) is slim-to-none, and you are far more likely to end up in her (admittedly terrible) blog than in her vagina.
pay close attention. Please keep in mind that the chances of you getting laid via SRIDMTFWHZIIY (sending relentless Instagram DMs to females who have zero interest in you) is slim-to-none, and you are far more likely to end up in her (admittedly terrible) blog than in her vagina.
1) The Photographer-Doctor
This message is truly horrifying, but unfortunately not unique. Let's analyze the Photographer-Doctor's message, and provide some helpful tips on what NOT to do when ur sliding into someone's DMs (step 1: don't slide into people's DMs).
The text part of the message is admittedly not horrible. If I were TPD (The Photographer-Doctor), I would have left out the "damn" part of the message, as well as the Photographer Doctor part. We get it, you make money. Good 4 u bruh. Also, her name is Megan. Nobody calls her Meg except for family. And the "you won't regret it" part is unnecessary and mildly creepy. However, all-in-all, I give this message a solid 3.5 on the creepy scale (1= totally fine, 10= creepy af and I'm calling the cops). not too shabby. Perhaps this message would have been best left at
"Hi, Megan! I came across your Tinder and I think you're gorgeous. I live in uptown Charlotte and would love to talk and show ya around if you'd like :)
Now: The picture.
I have so many questions.
Why did he think this was appropriate?
Has this ever worked for him before?
Why is there a cucumber in his underwear?
He said "I'd love to TAlK and SHOW YOU AROUND sometime." Neither of these activities require photographic evidence of the large, green, cylindrical vegetable (ok technically it's a fruit) in his underwear.
I thought doctors were supposed to be smart...?
The text part of the message is admittedly not horrible. If I were TPD (The Photographer-Doctor), I would have left out the "damn" part of the message, as well as the Photographer Doctor part. We get it, you make money. Good 4 u bruh. Also, her name is Megan. Nobody calls her Meg except for family. And the "you won't regret it" part is unnecessary and mildly creepy. However, all-in-all, I give this message a solid 3.5 on the creepy scale (1= totally fine, 10= creepy af and I'm calling the cops). not too shabby. Perhaps this message would have been best left at
"Hi, Megan! I came across your Tinder and I think you're gorgeous. I live in uptown Charlotte and would love to talk and show ya around if you'd like :)
Now: The picture.
I have so many questions.
Why did he think this was appropriate?
Has this ever worked for him before?
Why is there a cucumber in his underwear?
He said "I'd love to TAlK and SHOW YOU AROUND sometime." Neither of these activities require photographic evidence of the large, green, cylindrical vegetable (ok technically it's a fruit) in his underwear.
I thought doctors were supposed to be smart...?
2) "Yo."
...no comment.
3) RELENTLESS.
2 things:
1) I'M NOT RESPONDING. TAKE THE HINT BRO.
2) DON'T YOU EVER USE THE "H" WORD IN REFERENCE TO MY DAUGHTER. EVER. She is a beautiful, voluptuous, full-figured woman with all the right curves in all the right places, and I will not permit any words that suggest otherwise. She's the most beautiful girl in town. THAT MAKES HER THE BEST. And don't I deserve the best?
1) I'M NOT RESPONDING. TAKE THE HINT BRO.
2) DON'T YOU EVER USE THE "H" WORD IN REFERENCE TO MY DAUGHTER. EVER. She is a beautiful, voluptuous, full-figured woman with all the right curves in all the right places, and I will not permit any words that suggest otherwise. She's the most beautiful girl in town. THAT MAKES HER THE BEST. And don't I deserve the best?
4) Oh my god what
HE GOES THROUGH HER PROFILE EVERY DAY????? WH A T? W HAT?? W HA T???? I'm scared, call my mom.
5) um
![Picture](/uploads/9/8/4/4/98444082/editor/img-8203.jpeg?1518468884)
k but what about dat ass
Part 3: Reasons I'm glad I'm Single on Valentine's Day
1)
2)
2)
part 4: STORIES SUBMITTED BY YOU GUYS!!!
1) "So this guy and I had been hooking up for awhile and it wasn’t great, but at least he had somewhat of a big dick. One night he told me he wanted to try anal. I was like sure whatevs like I’ve tried it once or twice, but the guy I had done it with before had a muuuuuch smaller dick ... anyways, we were doing it and he seemed to be enjoying it but the whole time I felt like I had to shit. Like I thought I was going to shit on his dick.
When he pulled out there was this horrible shit smell... and I was like omg I think I shit on his dick. And I did. I had shit on his dick and it got on the covers and everything."
When he pulled out there was this horrible shit smell... and I was like omg I think I shit on his dick. And I did. I had shit on his dick and it got on the covers and everything."
2) "One night my boyfriend and I had a party at my house, and we were all drinking and smoking. After everyone had gone to bed, my boyfriend and I started fooling around, and it was about to be some fucking epic sex ... like porn star status. He starts eating me out and was like eating my ass and it was great ... then he comes back up and starts kissing me and I’m like wait why does he taste like blood but I was so drunk I was like whateverrrr ... so then he started eating me out again and he was like, "wait are you on your period?"
I was like, "no I don’t think so," and he’s like, "well I just swallowed like a mouthful of blood."
We turned on the lights and I was on my period.
Ha. Whoops.
We still ended up having porn star sex."
3) "I was hooking up with this guy and he wanted me to suck him off and then spit his cum back into his face. . ."
THANKS FOR READING!!! surreal, thanks so much. my life was sad and empty (much like the vaginas of myself and many others tonight) before you encouraged me to keep posting terrible content online. so thank you. PLEASE COMMENT BELOW OH MY GOD DO I HAVE TO BEG
I dont understand
100 fucking humans read this goddamn blog and like 1 person comments on every post. put a fake name if you don't wanna say who you are! and you don't have to put your email, just leave it blank! I just want u to pay attention to me and make me look more popular than I really am. If u don't comment, I will personally contact satan and tell him to drag you STRAIGHT TO HELL.
please though, please comment. it makes me feel loved, appreciated, and extraordinarily famous.
also moist.
very moist.
have a lovely Valentine's Day with your boo, whether your boo is a living human, your own right hand, or a vibrating silicone device.
remember!!! not IN a blimp, ON a blimp.
xoxo,
mandieeeeeeeee
HIIIIIIII!
I'm alive, I'm here, I'm blogging.
This post took me 4EVER.i hope u luv it!!
sorry for the delay, sometimes I have to take a little break so that I can avoid letting the fame get to my head. It's hard being a celebrity. Anyway,
LETS!
GET!!
cLIT!!!
I'm alive, I'm here, I'm blogging.
This post took me 4EVER.i hope u luv it!!
sorry for the delay, sometimes I have to take a little break so that I can avoid letting the fame get to my head. It's hard being a celebrity. Anyway,
LETS!
GET!!
cLIT!!!
Part 1: POETRY!!!!
I've been calling my boyfriend every day for the past year,
though he's married and told me to stop,
don't worry, it's not weird.
His wife's pregnant with their second kid,
but clearly she can't see
that her husband is (so very clearly) really into me.
he's blocked me thirty-seven times, I keep getting new numbers,
he can't admit that he loves me, it's honestly a bummer.
he gave me a new nickname, and I love it so so much!
It's so great being loved, cherished, and acknowledged by your crush.
"you're insane," he says, "a stalker!"
"you're a psycho and a creep!"
"I love you too baby," I say, "I dream of you when I sleep."
His lawyer, Liz, contacted me, said he's taking me to court,
"oh my!" I said, "that's so sweet, we've never been on a date before."
"We never even dated," my boyfriend explains to the judge.
I try to tell him that he's wrong, but alas, he will not budge.
"she follows me 'round everywhere, tapes love notes to my window;
she puts naked pictures in my car––"
". . .I thought you liked them, though!"
"I moved to get away from her, L.A. to Delaware,
but one day I went to get the mail, and oh God, she was there."
"you love me though, I know you do!" I sobbed into my hand.
"He loves me, Your Honor, I know he does. . .you just don't understand."
"Who even are you?" asked my boyfriend
"and why do you think we're together?"
"because we are," I say to him,
"and we will be, forever!!"
He now has a restraining order against me, but don't worry, it's okay,
now I'll just have to love him from 300 feet away.
though he's married and told me to stop,
don't worry, it's not weird.
His wife's pregnant with their second kid,
but clearly she can't see
that her husband is (so very clearly) really into me.
he's blocked me thirty-seven times, I keep getting new numbers,
he can't admit that he loves me, it's honestly a bummer.
he gave me a new nickname, and I love it so so much!
It's so great being loved, cherished, and acknowledged by your crush.
"you're insane," he says, "a stalker!"
"you're a psycho and a creep!"
"I love you too baby," I say, "I dream of you when I sleep."
His lawyer, Liz, contacted me, said he's taking me to court,
"oh my!" I said, "that's so sweet, we've never been on a date before."
"We never even dated," my boyfriend explains to the judge.
I try to tell him that he's wrong, but alas, he will not budge.
"she follows me 'round everywhere, tapes love notes to my window;
she puts naked pictures in my car––"
". . .I thought you liked them, though!"
"I moved to get away from her, L.A. to Delaware,
but one day I went to get the mail, and oh God, she was there."
"you love me though, I know you do!" I sobbed into my hand.
"He loves me, Your Honor, I know he does. . .you just don't understand."
"Who even are you?" asked my boyfriend
"and why do you think we're together?"
"because we are," I say to him,
"and we will be, forever!!"
He now has a restraining order against me, but don't worry, it's okay,
now I'll just have to love him from 300 feet away.
Part 2: I made u this quiz because ur all bitches and I wanna categorize u (also bc I luv u!!)
THIS TOOK ME FOREVER! CHECK IT OUT DUUUUDES!!! comment what kind of bitch you are!! idk why 75 PEOPLE READ THIS BLOG CONSISTENTLY and only TWO PEOPLE comment. do you have a death wish? I can make it come true.
Part 3: . . .
????? There's no part 3, you greedy whore! do u realize how long that quiz took me? Jesus Christ. People these days, I swear to god.
yeesh, you guys are so demanding!!!!!! you try writing a blog and posting semi-regularly!!!!!! get off my back, people!!!!
yeesh, you guys are so demanding!!!!!! you try writing a blog and posting semi-regularly!!!!!! get off my back, people!!!!
anyway, thanks for checkin' out the blog! don't forget to sign up for the newsletter, email me funny stories to post ([email protected]), and leave me a lil comment down below (I'm a YouTuber now) tellin me what u wanna see in the next post...please? k thxx.
well, I'm outta here.
remember:::: not IN a blimp, ON a blimp
Sincerely,
the prettiest girl you know
hello my friends,
WELL YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING FANTASTIC BECAUSE TODAY IS THE ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE SHITTIEST BLOG YOU'VE EVER READ!!
Aight bitchez, LET'S GET IT STARTED IN HEEEEEEERE
Aight bitchez, LET'S GET IT STARTED IN HEEEEEEERE
Part 1: poetry!
Janu-hairy
by Mandie
Do you remember,
in November
every guy had a full beard?
well I sure do
and I had thought
that it was kind of weird.
but now it is the new year
and it's started getting cold,
I have to make a statement,
I don't care if it is bold.
2018 is upon us and I'm thrilled to say it's true,
I'm participating in Janu-hairy; I think you should too.
It's a way to keep me warm in the chilly winter air,
but also it's a statement:
Ladies too can have chest hair!
My friend, she walked right up to me,
said, "what's that in your pits?"
"it's hair!" I said, "I'm not shaving this month,
not my pits, not my legs, not my bits.
"Oh my!" she gasped, "oh no, oh dear,
I forgot what month it is,
it's January, it's Janu-hairy,
ugh, I miss it every year."
"It's fine!" I said,"it's just begun,
now throw away your razor,
it's time to make a statement
and it's going to be major."
I looked down at my bikini where my hair was rather long,
is it s'posed to be 12 inches or is something really wrong?
"your hair looks nice," said my dear friend,
she reached and grabbed a comb.
"it's lovely, she said unconcerned,
"oh wow it's surely grown!"
As she combed through the forest complimenting my lush locks,
I admired my own happy trail, wow Janu-hairy rocks!
"This month's gonna be amazing," I said as I shed a tear,
Next month's quickly approaching–
Febu-hairy's almost here!
by Mandie
Do you remember,
in November
every guy had a full beard?
well I sure do
and I had thought
that it was kind of weird.
but now it is the new year
and it's started getting cold,
I have to make a statement,
I don't care if it is bold.
2018 is upon us and I'm thrilled to say it's true,
I'm participating in Janu-hairy; I think you should too.
It's a way to keep me warm in the chilly winter air,
but also it's a statement:
Ladies too can have chest hair!
My friend, she walked right up to me,
said, "what's that in your pits?"
"it's hair!" I said, "I'm not shaving this month,
not my pits, not my legs, not my bits.
"Oh my!" she gasped, "oh no, oh dear,
I forgot what month it is,
it's January, it's Janu-hairy,
ugh, I miss it every year."
"It's fine!" I said,"it's just begun,
now throw away your razor,
it's time to make a statement
and it's going to be major."
I looked down at my bikini where my hair was rather long,
is it s'posed to be 12 inches or is something really wrong?
"your hair looks nice," said my dear friend,
she reached and grabbed a comb.
"it's lovely, she said unconcerned,
"oh wow it's surely grown!"
As she combed through the forest complimenting my lush locks,
I admired my own happy trail, wow Janu-hairy rocks!
"This month's gonna be amazing," I said as I shed a tear,
Next month's quickly approaching–
Febu-hairy's almost here!
Part 2: There's A Gif For That!
No, really, there is.
There's a gif for E V E R Y T H I N G. Hell, there may even be multiple! So I'm about to prove it RIGHT HERE on this VERY educational and scholarly blog.
Lesgooooo...
1) When Mom, your teachers, and all your friends tell you that "Feeding celebrities' chinchillas isn't a valid career." :
There's a gif for E V E R Y T H I N G. Hell, there may even be multiple! So I'm about to prove it RIGHT HERE on this VERY educational and scholarly blog.
Lesgooooo...
1) When Mom, your teachers, and all your friends tell you that "Feeding celebrities' chinchillas isn't a valid career." :
2) When your girlfriend comes downstairs in her brand-new, high- waisted, florescent yellow jeggings, and seems to really love them (** you know that if you say that you are not a fan, you will likely be promptly executed via guillotine):
3) When he asks if you've gotten tested lately and you don't want to tell him about your gonorrhea:
4) When a friend asks you to hang out early in the morning on a weekend:
5) When you hear your roommate (in your 1-bedroom apartment) finally fucking that guy she's been going after for months, and you're so proud of her that you don't want to ruin it for her in any way, so you pretend to continue sleeping even though the sound of his balls smacking against her is louder than anyone could possibly sleep through.
Part 3: Haul January 2018
You guys, I have a secret.
I can't contain it anymore.
I have to be who I truly am.
It's time for you to know: I'm a YouTube beauty guru.
So as would any amazing guru, I'm going to do a haul for you. A haul video is where a YouTuber shows you everything he or she bought recently, and gives you excessive detail on what it is and why they love it ("I also got this adorable shirt; it's yellow with stripes on it) even though you can clearly see that yes, it is a yellow shirt with stripes on it, because you, too, have functioning eyeballs.
Anyway...enjoy this WINTER HAUL 2018!
I can't contain it anymore.
I have to be who I truly am.
It's time for you to know: I'm a YouTube beauty guru.
So as would any amazing guru, I'm going to do a haul for you. A haul video is where a YouTuber shows you everything he or she bought recently, and gives you excessive detail on what it is and why they love it ("I also got this adorable shirt; it's yellow with stripes on it) even though you can clearly see that yes, it is a yellow shirt with stripes on it, because you, too, have functioning eyeballs.
Anyway...enjoy this WINTER HAUL 2018!
1) This here is toilet paper! It comes in this really cool, sleek roll design with a cardboard tube in the middle. It's white and has sort of a floral imprinted design, which I LOVE. I love it because it matches my wedding dress and it helps me not drip pee on the floor. Also it's just a really trendy thing to have nowadays. Literally EVERYONE has it. I love it, it's literally my favorite thing ever.
2) The next thing I bought was a bit of a splurge, but it's literally SO CUTE that I just HAD to have it. This is a sweet potato! I love it because it's sweet and it's a potato. It has this nice, distressed-looking brown outer layer, which gives it a really cool antique rustic vibe. I LOVE IT. I bought this one because it was the first one I saw at the grocery store, and it was in my size and everything! I love it, it's literally my favorite thing ever.
3) I also got this tampon! I actually got it out of a box, which I LOVE, but I threw away the box and the rest of the tampons because this one seems best. I love it because I can stick it up my birth canal, and then every time I pee, the string gets a little wet. OMG also I'm totally obsessed with the packaging!! It's this super on-trend colorful paper tube, which I love. I love it, it's literally my favorite thing ever. Use code MANDIEISBLEEDING on the website for 10% off your order!
4) OMG you're going to LOVE this next thing I bought. This is a little metal tool thingy. I love it because it's metal and it's a little tool thingy. Also I'm totally obsessed with the matte finish it has; it's super on-trend, which I love. I don't really know what it's supposed to be used for, but it totally goes with my decor so I HAD to buy it. I love it, it's literally my favorite thing ever.
5) The last thing I bought is literally my favorite thing ever. It's Zoloft! I love it because it's green, and it makes me not want to kill myself which I LOVE. Also, it's a really cute little size, which is awesome because it is totally travel sized, and I can feed it to small rodents or kittens if I ever want to. It has a little line down the center so you can cut it in half, which is a really cool feature. Go to your local drug dealer and tell him Mandie sent you, you'll get a good discount if you want to buy some Zoloft and go wild. I love it, it's literally my favorite thing ever.
Thanks for checking out my haul! I'm rich, so I can afford nice things such as these, but perhaps if you put aside a few paychecks for the next few months, you'll be able to afford at least one of these items. So just let me know in the comments if you want a link to any of the products so that you can purchase them yourself!
Well, that's all for now, folks!
Thanks for reading :) Cum again soon!
Actually when you cum is entirely up to you, I didn't mean to pressure you. Sorry about that.
Thanks for reading :) Cum again if you want to but if you don't want to you don't have to and it can be whenever you want like literally no pressure it's fine it's totally your choice.
Lots of luv,
mAnDiEeEeEeE <3
I got you a present. No, really, I did. Didn't you get it?
No?
Huh. That's a bummer, because I mailed it. I really did. I guess it got lost in the mail or something? Dang, it was really expensive. Whatever, it's the thought that counts. Anyway, feel free to send along my presents (please note that PRESENTS is plural). Go right ahead, I'll be here waiting. It should probably be expensive, because what I got you was over $500. Sure is a bummer you never received it. :(
Anyhow, I have another present for you that definitely won't get lost: THIS! BLOG!! POST!!!
No?
Huh. That's a bummer, because I mailed it. I really did. I guess it got lost in the mail or something? Dang, it was really expensive. Whatever, it's the thought that counts. Anyway, feel free to send along my presents (please note that PRESENTS is plural). Go right ahead, I'll be here waiting. It should probably be expensive, because what I got you was over $500. Sure is a bummer you never received it. :(
Anyhow, I have another present for you that definitely won't get lost: THIS! BLOG!! POST!!!
Merry Christmas, friends!! I hope your day is fabulous. As I write this, I'm in Charlotte. If you're reading this, I'm in California. If you're not reading this, I'm still in California. I'm spending 5 hours of my Christmas Eve in a floating box of people. And the rest of my Christmas Eve will be spent in a non-floating box of people. A "house." Is that what the kids are calling them these days?
Anyhow, lets! Get! Started!
Anyhow, lets! Get! Started!
Part 1: poeTREE lol gEt it (because I want to share my gift with you).
It's been a Merry Christmas Day, I've gotten many presents, yay! The woman whom I love so dearly got me all these presents (really!): A purple box of purple rocks, a pair of used unmatching socks; A new tube of pink glitter glue, a bottle of dandruff shampoo! Cat food, bug spray, Cap'n Crunch, a ticket for a school hot lunch. A vajazzled bargain prostitute, a basket of organic fruit! All I've wanted, yes, and so much more; a new ointment for my cold sore! A new bidet, mens ballet slippers, a long lap dance from three free strippers! A fleshlight, a strap-on, a waterproof vest. Gifts from my mother are always the best! |
Part 2: You got me A WHAT?
This holiday season, please enjoy a game of Would You Rather: Christmas Edition! Select your choices, but as you do so, please keep in mind: What Would Jesus Do?
...he'd probably exit out of this site asap tbh.
...he'd probably exit out of this site asap tbh.
Part 3: My 11 Year-Old cousin has an iPhone x
My 11-year-old cousin has an iPhone X.
Meanwhile, I went to Costco and didn't have enough money in my account buy a pack of socks.
that is all.
Meanwhile, I went to Costco and didn't have enough money in my account buy a pack of socks.
that is all.
Part 3: Jingle hell
Christmas is a wonderful Holiday...partially. Everyone is aware of the financial struggles that come with the holiday season, and everyone knows that the holidays bring family together. These facts are widely-known. Here, however, I would like to discuss the lesser-known pros and cons of the birthday of our lord and savior, Oprah Winfrey.
Fuck, wait no sorry. I meant Jesus. You know, the one stapled to a massive "T" in all the paintings you see at every art museum. I'm pretty sure Oprah has also been stapled to a large wooden "T," so I'm sure you understand the mix-up.
Fuck, wait no sorry. I meant Jesus. You know, the one stapled to a massive "T" in all the paintings you see at every art museum. I'm pretty sure Oprah has also been stapled to a large wooden "T," so I'm sure you understand the mix-up.
![Picture](/uploads/9/8/4/4/98444082/4396523-home-geekonomics-a-mothers-day-tribute-t40d4ce06.gif?250)
@Jesus
Moving on...
PROS
• If you're lucky enough to have cousins, the presence of multiple grandchildren will spread Grandma Jo's attention thinly, meaning that she can't assault you with as many of the typical "how's school!?" "do you do any sports?" and "tell me about all of your friends, their first and last names, social security numbers, and the shape of their toenails!" questions that are always launched at you when you see her.
• You get to practice the art of playing Candy Crush under the table on your phone while looking up and nodding when necessary so that nobody can tell that you really, really don't care about Uncle Jeff's 30-minute ice fishing story (which you've already heard over 7 times)
•When the time to unwrap presents rolls around, you get to practice your acting skillz (which will help you to pursue your dream of having a successful acting career) as you convincingly recite memorized lines such as "oh my god I love it!" or "this is just what I wanted!!" while opening green glittery jeggings and a Grow Your Own Turnip kit.
•After the holiday is over, you'll remember that you spent your entire food budget for the week on a pair of shoes for your sister, which makes for an excellent diet technique.
CONS
• No decent restaurants are open, so if you're boring like my family and don't make an event of Christmas dinner you're going to be stuck either eating deep-friend wontons (that leave you feeling like an alligator is chewing on your intestines), or making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
• Someone is going to bake or purchase some sort of really gross dessert for you (e.g. off-brand jelly beans, raspberry-filled dark chocolates, Aunt Lisa's sugar-free, 30-calorie, gluten-free, low-carb, nonfat cookies...) that you really have no desire to consume, but you will either have to eat it anyway (out of politeness), or dump it in the trashcan when they look away, causing you to feel like the second worst person ever to exist, right behind Hitler.
• You can really only play Candy Crush for so long before your phone inevitably dies (likely due to irritating-relative-induced suicide), leaving you wondering how you can do the same.
• I promise you that someone is going to unwrap a new laptop at the same time that you unwrap a pair of fuzzy socks or a 3-pack of Walmart underwear.
• You'll realize that your post-Christmas financial crisis will require you to sell everything you own on eBay, including your body and soul.
but all that aside, my favorite thing about the holidays is that me and my boyfriend always–-
Welp, on that note, I'm going to go nap. Indefinitely.
Merry Christmas my loves, please feel free to leave comments. even brutal hate comments are acceptable. whatever your heart desires.
Can you believe this blog is just a few days away from being a year old? wow I can't believe I'm still writing it, I definitely thought I'd have forgotten about it by now.
lucky you.
merry crriiiismiiiiisss! I hope you get lit af.
xxx,
mandiiiiieeeeee
Hello my friends,
Allow me to tell you a tragic (yet unfortunately true) tale. It will be published in my award-winning (I like to be optimistic) novel called IT WAS cLIT!: The Life of a World-Renowned Multi-Billionaire Blogger, coming to stores near you in 2095!!
Just kidding. There won't be any bookstores in 2095. Maybe tell your grandkids to download it on their mind-controlled, floating iPad 50s.
But tell them in advance, because I can't guarantee that you or I will still be around when my book comes out.
Anyway, because I am an extraordinarily kind, giving, loving, incredible, beautiful, talented, intelligent, famous, and humble individual, I am giving you a FREE PREVIEW (jk Venmo me) of IWC:TLWRMBB (the catchy easy-to-remember acronym for my autobiography, obviously) here's the story. . .get some tissues ready:
Allow me to tell you a tragic (yet unfortunately true) tale. It will be published in my award-winning (I like to be optimistic) novel called IT WAS cLIT!: The Life of a World-Renowned Multi-Billionaire Blogger, coming to stores near you in 2095!!
Just kidding. There won't be any bookstores in 2095. Maybe tell your grandkids to download it on their mind-controlled, floating iPad 50s.
But tell them in advance, because I can't guarantee that you or I will still be around when my book comes out.
Anyway, because I am an extraordinarily kind, giving, loving, incredible, beautiful, talented, intelligent, famous, and humble individual, I am giving you a FREE PREVIEW (jk Venmo me) of IWC:TLWRMBB (the catchy easy-to-remember acronym for my autobiography, obviously) here's the story. . .get some tissues ready:
My name is Mandie and I am either a vampire or an insomniac.
On weekends it is not uncommon for me to go to bed at 7am, but on weekdays I'm a good girl and I go to bed early, between 3 and 4am. I wish I wasn't like this, but I also wish I had prettier friends and cooler readers. Basically what I'm saying is that sometimes you can't have what you want, even if you're really, really, ridiculously wealthy, like myself (," she said, as she looked at her bank account's balance on her phone and saw that she had $4.23 to her name).
Tonight (or, uh, since it's now 5:26am, I suppose "last night" would be more accurate) I started to feel really tired at 12:07am. I remember the specific time, because it was a very notable event in my life, and I like to remember the rare moments in which my body functions like that of a normal, healthy individual.
So at 12:09 am, after I had two minutes to beat level 673 (wish I was kidding) of Candy Crush and process the fact that, holy shit, my body was ready for sleep ALREADY, I decided to go to sleep...AT 12:09AM!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND? That is the middle of the afternoon, in my world.
I drifted off peacefully, fantasizing about my future as a diurnal human being (wow I just said "diurnal." Look mom, I'm a scholar).
I then woke up at 3:15am, because, as we all know, good things never last (kind of like your boyfriend in bed).
Apparently I had not gone to bed, but rather I had simply taken a nice little "afternoon" nap.
Feel free to send sympathy cards as I mourn the destruction of my hopes and dreams of diurnalness (never mind, mom, I just said "diurnalness." I knew I wasn't a scholar). Or just straight up cash works too, whatever works for you is fine by me.
On weekends it is not uncommon for me to go to bed at 7am, but on weekdays I'm a good girl and I go to bed early, between 3 and 4am. I wish I wasn't like this, but I also wish I had prettier friends and cooler readers. Basically what I'm saying is that sometimes you can't have what you want, even if you're really, really, ridiculously wealthy, like myself (," she said, as she looked at her bank account's balance on her phone and saw that she had $4.23 to her name).
Tonight (or, uh, since it's now 5:26am, I suppose "last night" would be more accurate) I started to feel really tired at 12:07am. I remember the specific time, because it was a very notable event in my life, and I like to remember the rare moments in which my body functions like that of a normal, healthy individual.
So at 12:09 am, after I had two minutes to beat level 673 (wish I was kidding) of Candy Crush and process the fact that, holy shit, my body was ready for sleep ALREADY, I decided to go to sleep...AT 12:09AM!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND? That is the middle of the afternoon, in my world.
I drifted off peacefully, fantasizing about my future as a diurnal human being (wow I just said "diurnal." Look mom, I'm a scholar).
I then woke up at 3:15am, because, as we all know, good things never last (kind of like your boyfriend in bed).
Apparently I had not gone to bed, but rather I had simply taken a nice little "afternoon" nap.
Feel free to send sympathy cards as I mourn the destruction of my hopes and dreams of diurnalness (never mind, mom, I just said "diurnalness." I knew I wasn't a scholar). Or just straight up cash works too, whatever works for you is fine by me.
Alright, I hope you enjoyed that sad, yet riveting preview of my upcoming novel. Now wipe your tears, we must go on.
Anyhow, because I am a highly intelligent, truly remarkable individual (as previously stated), I decided that I would make the best of the situation. I accepted the fact that sleep would not be occurring for a while, and I made the only decision that made sense:
Anyhow, because I am a highly intelligent, truly remarkable individual (as previously stated), I decided that I would make the best of the situation. I accepted the fact that sleep would not be occurring for a while, and I made the only decision that made sense:
why? Because when you are as gifted as I, you feel the need to share your talent with the world.
so here I am, at an ungodly hour, providing you with some truly riveting content, as always.
I suppose it's time to stop rambling and...um, ramble about something else?
Without further ado, LET'S GET cLIT!!!
I suppose it's time to stop rambling and...um, ramble about something else?
Without further ado, LET'S GET cLIT!!!
Part 1:
(even though its kind of part 2 since the intro was so long, but I'm just going to call it part 1 and I need you to be okay with that)
Poetry, of course
I Want to be A Sandwich
by a truly talented author...me!
"I want to be a sandwich,"
I said loudly to my mom.
She looked at me, then my father said,
"oh god, where'd we go wrong?"
"I'm honestly unsure," mom said,
she looked rather defeated.
"We've tried to raise a normal kid,
my patience is depleted."
"I don't understand the problem,
what's the issue, mom and dad?
I want to be a sandwich
but is that really so bad?"
"Seriously, what is wrong with her?"
mom asked, wiping a tear,
"We've raised a goddamn sandwich kid,
this was my greatest fear."
"I feel that there is hope," dad said,
he looked at me with glee,
"I've done some online research,
let's send her to therapy!"
"What? No!" I begged confused and scared,
"what the hell is your guys' issue?"
My whines and moans turned into sobs,
I quickly grabbed a tissue.
They said nothing, they just looked at me,
my parents are so mean.
I swear to God nobody gets me,
I'm such a misunderstood teen.
by a truly talented author...me!
"I want to be a sandwich,"
I said loudly to my mom.
She looked at me, then my father said,
"oh god, where'd we go wrong?"
"I'm honestly unsure," mom said,
she looked rather defeated.
"We've tried to raise a normal kid,
my patience is depleted."
"I don't understand the problem,
what's the issue, mom and dad?
I want to be a sandwich
but is that really so bad?"
"Seriously, what is wrong with her?"
mom asked, wiping a tear,
"We've raised a goddamn sandwich kid,
this was my greatest fear."
"I feel that there is hope," dad said,
he looked at me with glee,
"I've done some online research,
let's send her to therapy!"
"What? No!" I begged confused and scared,
"what the hell is your guys' issue?"
My whines and moans turned into sobs,
I quickly grabbed a tissue.
They said nothing, they just looked at me,
my parents are so mean.
I swear to God nobody gets me,
I'm such a misunderstood teen.
Part 3: Uncomfy Stories Submitted by YOU GUYS!!!
You guys have lives (some of you, anyway). You submit the awkward parts of them. I share them. Anonymously.
1) "This was back in the early 2000s when cameras first became a big thing: My older brother took a video of his girlfriend blowing him. My mom accidentally played it in front of my Girl Scout troop."
1) "This was back in the early 2000s when cameras first became a big thing: My older brother took a video of his girlfriend blowing him. My mom accidentally played it in front of my Girl Scout troop."
2) "Last semester my grandma gave me this corset that’s definitely categorized as lingerie because it’s lacy and very see-through. She gave it to me saying it could work for “a costume or whatever you want to use it for,” which was cringey in and of itself. Anyway I brought it back to school with me and when I moved out at the end of the year it was in one of the bins with all my other clothes. So the time to move in this semester rolls around and my mom, dad, and boyfriend are helping me unpack all of my stuff and move in. While my mom and I set up some stuff up in the bathroom, my dad comes across this lingerie corset. From the bathroom I hear him say “there are some things a father shouldn’t see” and I walk out of the bathroom and he’s holding it up like it’s infected and my boyfriend is standing next to him completely mortified. All I could do was laugh uncomfortably."
Thanks for reading, lovely people! And also thanks to those of you who aren't lovely. All are welcome here.
As always, I encourage you to leave a comment! And respond to other peoples' comments! Get involved! If you wanna leave an anonymous comment, just make up a name: Jeff, Nancy, Susan, Buttercup, FlagWagon, Bloopeebear, PringleBerry...these are just a few of many options.
If you leave a comment below suggesting a topic for me to discuss in my next post or submit a story (through the 'contact me' page or by emailing to [email protected]), I will reply to your comment or your email with a personalized a poem about the topic of your choosing. isn't that kind of me? Charity is my passion. I love giving to you, the less fortunate. Simply let me know what you would like me to create a poem about.
As always, I encourage you to leave a comment! And respond to other peoples' comments! Get involved! If you wanna leave an anonymous comment, just make up a name: Jeff, Nancy, Susan, Buttercup, FlagWagon, Bloopeebear, PringleBerry...these are just a few of many options.
If you leave a comment below suggesting a topic for me to discuss in my next post or submit a story (through the 'contact me' page or by emailing to [email protected]), I will reply to your comment or your email with a personalized a poem about the topic of your choosing. isn't that kind of me? Charity is my passion. I love giving to you, the less fortunate. Simply let me know what you would like me to create a poem about.
Anyhow, it's been truly cLIT hanging out with you, but it's time for me to go back to my ordinary, everyday life. I like to take a few days or weeks in between blog posts so that the fame doesn't go to my head.
I will see you soon, keep your eyes peeled for a Christmas edition...IT'S cLITMAS TIME, BABIEEEZZZZ!!!
ttyl, I love all of you.
xxx,
mandiEeEeEe
(Remember, not in a blimp, on a blimp)).
ttyl, I love all of you.
xxx,
mandiEeEeEe
(Remember, not in a blimp, on a blimp)).
hi babe.
what's up honey?
hey muffin.
how u doin, sweetcheeks?
hey noodlebear.
'sup cuddlebug?
hola snuggle pumpkin.
wyd schnoobly doobly?
HOW ARE YOU MY DARLINGS?
I love you, and because Christmas is coming, I have a gift for you: THIS BLOG POST!!! I know it's not what you wanted, but sometimes you have to just suck it up and swallow your feelings. My friend Paige is really good at sucking things up and swallowing.
She's single, does anyone want her number? Let me know. She's available Monday through Friday and also Saturday and Sunday.
what's up honey?
hey muffin.
how u doin, sweetcheeks?
hey noodlebear.
'sup cuddlebug?
hola snuggle pumpkin.
wyd schnoobly doobly?
HOW ARE YOU MY DARLINGS?
I love you, and because Christmas is coming, I have a gift for you: THIS BLOG POST!!! I know it's not what you wanted, but sometimes you have to just suck it up and swallow your feelings. My friend Paige is really good at sucking things up and swallowing.
She's single, does anyone want her number? Let me know. She's available Monday through Friday and also Saturday and Sunday.
Anyway, now that I'm done being the stellar wingwoman that I am, I want to take this moment to remind you that on April Fool's Day of 2016, Cornhub changed their homepage and logo to "Cornhub," and had titles like "Slob On The Cob," "Hardest Shucking You've Ever Seen," and "Hot Young Corn Gets Plowed."
No, really, look it up. I can't make this shit up. Nor would I lie to you. That might've been the only time I watched porn without experiencing a unique combination of horror, confusion, occasional disgust, and the desire to watch literally ANYTHING else, including a sea urchin documentary or a 3-hour video on the evolution of the modern cucumber. This emotion can be summed up in the phrase "wtf ew no please god no what are you doing and why are you doing it."
anywho, aside from the corn videos (which were SFW, by the way), which I found to be quite amusing, I watched pornhub videos a few times in high school for "educational purposes," if you will (don't even try to lie to me and say you didn't), but then I realized that if I have to always have a perfectly waxed vag and scream like a camel in heat, I'm probably not going to be that great in bed anyway, so I accepted my fate of being a subpar lover and stopped watching videos that made my stomach churn, my eyes bleed, and my vagina sew itself shut. Seriously, some of that shit is W E I R D. But anyway, now that I've given you way too much information about my 9th grade internet history, I present to you::::::::: IT'S cLIT!
anywho, aside from the corn videos (which were SFW, by the way), which I found to be quite amusing, I watched pornhub videos a few times in high school for "educational purposes," if you will (don't even try to lie to me and say you didn't), but then I realized that if I have to always have a perfectly waxed vag and scream like a camel in heat, I'm probably not going to be that great in bed anyway, so I accepted my fate of being a subpar lover and stopped watching videos that made my stomach churn, my eyes bleed, and my vagina sew itself shut. Seriously, some of that shit is W E I R D. But anyway, now that I've given you way too much information about my 9th grade internet history, I present to you::::::::: IT'S cLIT!
Part 1: I wrote you a poem because Santa told me you were good this year :) Proud of u babe
Something's Wrong by me
Something strange has happened, I'm not sure what's going on,
my mom just had the baby and there's something really wrong.
My grandfather is puzzled and my cousins are confused,
my father looks as if his ego's more than slightly bruised.
My mother's crying, so's the baby, that's to be expected,
this was s'posed to be a perfect day but everyone has wrecked it.
I'm getting quite annoyed that I don't know what's going on,
what on earth could be so troubling, upsetting and so wrong?
I walk out of the waiting room after what feels like hours,
I go to my mom's room to say congrats and give her flowers.
I see the baby; instantly my face is flaming hot,
Oh shit,I see the problem: the baby's black, my dad is not.
Part 2: #roomiegoals #Girls #life #friends #besties
My darling friend, who I shall leave anonymous, has provided us with some extraordinarily high-quality entertainment. Then again, my standards for entertainment aren't that high, as is evident by the entirety of my blog. Anyway, her randomly-assigned roommate from last year was a prime example of "both a blessing and a curse." A blessing because, um, the stories my friend now has (as a result of sharing a home with the lovechild of Satan and a promiscuous, MDMA-using version of Candace from Phineas and Ferb) are absolutely priceless. A curse because, well, this gal is an escort (which is totally fine, you do you girl, it just adds to the comedy of this situation), and lacks the majority of the skills required to be a friend, a roommate, and frankly, a functioning member of society. Here are some entertaining details and moments of my friend's experience living with such a special creature (along with two other roommates, who are what most people would refer to as "normal" people):
1) "She got dress coded in college. I N C O L L E G E."
2) "She went outside to get something out of her car wearing only a shirt and a thong. Not a long T-Shirt, a regular one..."
3) " came home to her high on molly singing to food in the fridge."
4) "She only had two forks and kept all of her dishes separated from ours. One day her forks got mixed in with the rest of ours, and she came into the house all butthurt about one of her forks going missing. She started accusing all of us of stealing it, which we denied, and I later found it in my backpack from lunch earlier that day...oops."
5) "She posted a closeup picture of her asshole on snapchat."
6) "Before we even moved into the house, she sent us a Google Docs document of rules for the house (none of which she followed), including "everyone needs to bring their own vacuum" and "unplug the oven before you leave the house."
although I'm sure my friend misses her ex-roommate dearly, I am happy to report that she is doing okay despite the absence of this truly unique woman.
Part 3:Which Scenario Arouses you The most?: C-List Celebrity EditioN
Into Starbucks you go, eager to get your morning pick-me-up. You get in line, and the person in front of you turns around. You freeze, instantly starstruck. It's that guy!! From, uh, that one thing? You know, the dude...uhh, what's his name again? Damn. You could've sworn you knew his name. Doesn't he sing that one song that goes, "ooo ooh oooooo?"
Ugh, why why WHY can't you remember who he is?
Don't fret, my darling. It happens to the best of us. But to answer your question, you've forgotten his name because he's number 684 on the list of C-list "celebrities" whose existence has been long forgotten.
Readers, allow me to remind you of some of our favorite C-listers, and join me in reminiscing about the times when they weren't completely, totally, entirely, absolutely irrelevant.
I was thinking of the best way to discuss these "celebrities," and it dawned on me that of course, the IT'S cLIT! way to do this would be in my favorite segment, "Which Story Arouses You Most?"
So friends, romans, countrymen, I must ask you: Which story arouses you most?
Ugh, why why WHY can't you remember who he is?
Don't fret, my darling. It happens to the best of us. But to answer your question, you've forgotten his name because he's number 684 on the list of C-list "celebrities" whose existence has been long forgotten.
Readers, allow me to remind you of some of our favorite C-listers, and join me in reminiscing about the times when they weren't completely, totally, entirely, absolutely irrelevant.
I was thinking of the best way to discuss these "celebrities," and it dawned on me that of course, the IT'S cLIT! way to do this would be in my favorite segment, "Which Story Arouses You Most?"
So friends, romans, countrymen, I must ask you: Which story arouses you most?
SCENARIO 1:
It's 3pm and you're already drunk. It's Friday, after all. You walk into Walmart, trashed, to pick up bananas, personal lubricant, and a bottle of really shitty wine. The cashier jokingly asks whether these items are to be used together.
"That is none of your business and I don't have to answer that," you say curtly as you lube up a perfectly-ripe banana.
She hands you your receipt and you turn swiftly, angered by her intrusive question.
You feel a light tap on your shoulder, and you turn to see a familiar-looking dark-haired girl. "It's Friday," she says in a nasally voice, running a wet finger across your lubricated banana.
You are so aroused that you completely forget that you're still in Walmart.
"Rebecca?" You ask, "Rebecca Black?"
"Yeah baby, it's me," she says, now stroking your firm fruit.
"Fun, fun, fun, fun," you say, your eyes closing as she peels your moist banana, opening her mouth.
"Gotta go down on Friday," she says with a wink. . .
Scenario 2:
You check "K-Hunt," your favorite Kardashian-stalking app, and give your friends the most recent Kardashian location update:
"Kim was just spotted at the Malibu Louis Vuitton, which is only 8 and a half minutes away from Nobu. And Khloé and Kylie were seen at Nobu at 7:34pm 2 weeks ago, and according to the app's history, they go there every 2-3 weeks...Get in losers, we're going stalking!!!" you say, pulling up in your burnt orange 2006 Ferrari.
The LA traffic adds three and a quarter hours to your 30-minute drive, but the possibility of making eye-contact with a member of the US royal family made it all worth it.
The three of you arrive at Nobu at 7:32pm, and are seated at a booth in the back of the restaurant.
You order and devour your delicious (but not $35 worth of delicious) salmon hand roll, and as you pop the final edamame into your mouth, you spot something that turns your entire world around.
Melanie passes out.
Lindsey starts having a full-blown emotional breakdown, followed by a severe panic attack.
You? You keep your composure, managing to only pee a little bit.
Rob Kardashian walks up to you, a twinkle in his eye, and introduces himself.
"Hey, I'm–-"
"ROBERT ARTHUR KARDASHIAN," you try not to scream.
"Yeah," he says. "I saw you across the restaurant, and I couldn't help but introduce myself."
you gaze up at him, your vision becoming increasingly blurred and splotchy.
"Hffffngo plerbumm," you whisper, though it's not exactly what you tried to say. "I want you in every one of my orifices" is a difficult thing to say when you're focused on trying to remain conscious.
"Yeah baby," he responds, appearing aroused. "I came here to eat sushi, but I think there's something else I'd rather put in my mouth..."
Containing your fluids is difficult, but you take his hand and begin to walk off with him into the mens restroom.
"Are your friends okay?" he asks, pausing, appearing concerned by Lindsey's extreme hyperventilation and soft screaming, as well as Melanie's unnatural and seemingly lifeless body laying on the floor.
"They're fine, baby" you say, tugging his arm.
"Well in that case," he responds as he pulls down the zipper of your jeans, "let's go get to know each other a little better..."
Scenario 3:
A tear rolls down your left cheek and falls onto your green size 11 Crocs. 5-year-old José Cuervo is your only child, and it pains you to drop him off at daycare for the first time.
"It's okay, we'll take great care of your little José," says the woman at the counter, using a glass eyedropper to drip a couple drops of something (Perhaps some sort of vitamin? 100% pure essential oil of organic Florida oranges? Nail polish remover?) into a cup of juice, and handing it to José.
"I know, I know, I've heard great things about your business, it's just hard. I'm a single father and he's my only kid and it kills me to see him so sad and afraid," you say, watching José throw away his empty juice cup and proceed to throw and chase a paper airplane, clearly hiding his true feelings about the situation.
"Don't worry, he'll be fine! I promise." insists the woman.
"Go 'way daddy I'm playing I'm fine!" shouts José, smiling, but you know that he's just putting on a brave face, as always. My poor baby, you think to yourself, another tear falling, this time into one of the holes of your left croc, moistening your middle toe.
"I'm Casey, Casey Anthony. It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Cuervo. I assure you that he will be completely fine, I'll give you a call if there's any sort of issue. Would you mind picking up trash bags and duct tape on your way out? I'll deduct it from the cost of daycare."
"Sure! Wait...Casey Anthony?" you ask, "like, Casey Anthony from the news in 2008?"
"yeah!" she exclaims.
"Wow! I love bad girls," you say with a wink.
"I'm the baddest," she responds seductively.
"Mmmm," you moan, licking your sunburned (and slightly peely) lips.
She grabs you (not by the hand, but by a different appendage, rather), and guides you toward the restroom in the back of the building, duct tape in hand.
"Ooh, kinky," you say breathlessly, "you're so sexy, it kills me." You follow her into the room.
"I may have been found innocent," she begins, "but let me show you just how naughty I can be..."
so now that you've read (or briefly skimmed, if the unnecessarily lengthy stories nearly bored you to death) these sexy C-List celeb scenarios (which were purposefully left open-ended, allowing you to imagine the rest), its time for THE QUESTION... readers, answer me this:
WHICH
STORY
AROUSED
YOU
MOST?
WHICH
STORY
AROUSED
YOU
MOST?
This post took 5ever so if you don't leave a comment, email me your thoughts ([email protected]), or leave some brutal hate comments on my facebook, Instagram, and the twitter I don't have (can you comment on twitter? I don't know honestly. lmk.), I will be upset. And you don't want to see me upset. It's very wet and ugly and loud (kind of like your mom last night!).
Anyway, thanks for reading. Don't forget to brush your teeth twice a day and take regular showers. Also, floss! My parents are disappointed in me for many reasons (not including the fact that I write this blog, because they are unaware), but they would be glowing with pride if they knew the regularity with which I floss. I know I might appear disgusting on the outside, but my oral hygiene is truly stellar... I'm single, boys. Just saying. Impeccable oral hygiene, subpar lover, and decently adequate in nearly every other way (aside from my grade in Geology)... just saying, I'm available.
This might be the longest post yet! What can I say, I guess I just had a lot of REALLY IMPORTANT (obviously) things to tell you.
Anyway, thanks for reading. Don't forget to brush your teeth twice a day and take regular showers. Also, floss! My parents are disappointed in me for many reasons (not including the fact that I write this blog, because they are unaware), but they would be glowing with pride if they knew the regularity with which I floss. I know I might appear disgusting on the outside, but my oral hygiene is truly stellar... I'm single, boys. Just saying. Impeccable oral hygiene, subpar lover, and decently adequate in nearly every other way (aside from my grade in Geology)... just saying, I'm available.
This might be the longest post yet! What can I say, I guess I just had a lot of REALLY IMPORTANT (obviously) things to tell you.
love you!
Bye for now!
oxoxox (as in the cattle, just three times repeated for good luck.)
-Mandie
ps: dont forget!!! Not IN a blimp, ON a blimp.
Bye for now!
oxoxox (as in the cattle, just three times repeated for good luck.)
-Mandie
ps: dont forget!!! Not IN a blimp, ON a blimp.
What the fuck are you wearing? It looks awful on you and I want you to take it off.
Immediately.
No furreal pls get naked ur hot asf & I'm obsessed w u.
HOW YOU DOIN, FRAAAAANDS?
according to Wikipedia, the biological family Felidae is a lineage of carnivorans colloquially referred to as cats. A member of this family is also called a felid.
to express my gratitude for your endless support of My Shitty Blog™, today I would like to bestow upon you. . .FELID GIFS!!!
yes, you read that right: today I am blessing you with the gift of cat GIFs. This statement is inclusive of all felines: lions, tigers, bears (wait...no), housecats, panthers, me when I have winged eyeliner on, and of course, everyone's favorite type of cat. . .wildcats!!!
Immediately.
No furreal pls get naked ur hot asf & I'm obsessed w u.
HOW YOU DOIN, FRAAAAANDS?
according to Wikipedia, the biological family Felidae is a lineage of carnivorans colloquially referred to as cats. A member of this family is also called a felid.
to express my gratitude for your endless support of My Shitty Blog™, today I would like to bestow upon you. . .FELID GIFS!!!
yes, you read that right: today I am blessing you with the gift of cat GIFs. This statement is inclusive of all felines: lions, tigers, bears (wait...no), housecats, panthers, me when I have winged eyeliner on, and of course, everyone's favorite type of cat. . .wildcats!!!
so many felids.
all of the felids.
all of the felids.
THAT'S A LOTTA FELIDS!
you're welcome.
all I ask for in return is your love, your support, and an elaborate demonstration of your sexual prowess.
also comments! HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT THERE IS A COMMENT FEATURE ON THIS BLOG? USE IT GOD DAMMIT OR I WILL TAKE AN X-ACTO KNIFE TO YOUR LEFT NIPPLE.
you're welcome.
all I ask for in return is your love, your support, and an elaborate demonstration of your sexual prowess.
also comments! HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT THERE IS A COMMENT FEATURE ON THIS BLOG? USE IT GOD DAMMIT OR I WILL TAKE AN X-ACTO KNIFE TO YOUR LEFT NIPPLE.
thank you <3
anyway, lezzzzzgo!
anyway, lezzzzzgo!
Part 1: Hoetry
Not a Whore
by Mandie
I’m not a whore, I’m serious,
I’m really not, I swear.
That guy last night? That was a fluke,
He had amazing hair.
Okay it’s true I fooled ‘round
with your uncle and your dad.
But it won’t happen again, I swear,
'cause it was really bad.
I know you walked into my room
While Jake was in my bed,
But don’t worry, he’s a Catholic
so I only gave him head.
I’m not a whore, I’m serious
I’m really not, it’s true,
That other guy? I had to,
I just loved his shark tattoo.
Your cousin and your teacher
And your sexy mailman, Rob?
Okay yeah I hooked up with them,
I’m sorry, that was wrong.
I’m not a whore, I’m serious,
I wouldn’t tell a lie.
Last Wednesday I was chaste, for real!
Oh wait no, there was one guy…
Your brother, Tom? C’mon now,
What are you mad about?
You can’t blame me, he’s incredible…
So good at making out.
I’m not a whore I’m serious,
I’m really not, it’s true.
Although I guess I’ve slept with
every person except you.
by Mandie
I’m not a whore, I’m serious,
I’m really not, I swear.
That guy last night? That was a fluke,
He had amazing hair.
Okay it’s true I fooled ‘round
with your uncle and your dad.
But it won’t happen again, I swear,
'cause it was really bad.
I know you walked into my room
While Jake was in my bed,
But don’t worry, he’s a Catholic
so I only gave him head.
I’m not a whore, I’m serious
I’m really not, it’s true,
That other guy? I had to,
I just loved his shark tattoo.
Your cousin and your teacher
And your sexy mailman, Rob?
Okay yeah I hooked up with them,
I’m sorry, that was wrong.
I’m not a whore, I’m serious,
I wouldn’t tell a lie.
Last Wednesday I was chaste, for real!
Oh wait no, there was one guy…
Your brother, Tom? C’mon now,
What are you mad about?
You can’t blame me, he’s incredible…
So good at making out.
I’m not a whore I’m serious,
I’m really not, it’s true.
Although I guess I’ve slept with
every person except you.
Oh shit! A Wonderfully horrifying story provided by one of YOU GUYS!!
"In like 8th grade I went to this chick's apartment and her parents were home so we couldn’t do anything there. So we decided to go for a walk and get high in the woods. Well the woods back up to the apartment complex and they were like 5 stories tall, so anyone near the top floor could see into the woods. Anyway, we’re high and young and stupid so we decide to fuck behind a tree so no one can see. So we’re doing our thing and apparently her parents had decided to go to a friends apartment, which unfortunately for us, could see straight into the woods. Well the mom happens to look out the window and sees me plowing her daughter behind a tree that definitely isn’t hiding anything. She freaks out and yells at her and the girl almost passes out. I dipped out as fast as I could and never saw her again."
Part 3: I'm sexually attracted to Sea cucumbers and Ladybug Larvae
that's actually not (entirely) true, I just said that in hopes of catching your attention. what I'm REALLY attracted to are mid-20's, underweight, borderline-emo boys who have 6 meaningless forearm tattoos and can't sing, but use a lot of autotune so that they can make excruciatingly subpar emo-pop music.
in other news, there's a youtube video I think you should all check out.
in public.
with your volume on loud:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yKbh3Mig3Hk
enjoy!!! <3
in other news, there's a youtube video I think you should all check out.
in public.
with your volume on loud:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yKbh3Mig3Hk
enjoy!!! <3
thanks for checking out the blug.
oops, I mean the blerg.
wait, no, the blag. . .blig? blegg? bloog?
OHHHH WAIT
thanks for checking out the BLOG!!! I hope you had a TOTALLY cLIT time!!!! I love you and can't wait until you're deep inside of my asshole.
xx (chromosomes),
daddy <3
Hello, readers!!
If you’re having a good day, allow me to help fix that by reminding you that Donald Trump is our president. It’s sort of like having a nation run by a mysogynistic granola bar.
You know what's funny? The fact that I got a 48% on my last geology exam, I have another one tomorrow, and instead of studying, I'm here typing a bunch of pointless bullshit for you guys. Mostly because I love you, but also because I am gifted in the art of procrastination.
aNyWaY. . .
I hope you all had a wonderful Halloween.
Ladies, I hope you took advantage of the opportunity to go into public places wearing as little clothing as is humanly possible while still covering the majority of your areola and at least one of your labia.
Gentlemen, I hope you took advantage of the opportunity to:
1) ogle the titties of multiple Harley Quinns (it's 2017 and apparently it's the only costume girls could think of this year. You see, once college-age females discover a character who looks like a thrift store prostitute, it is impossible for them not to dress up as said character. I haven't done much research on this phenomenon, but it certainly seems that this is the case.)
2) wear one of those freaky morphsuits that leave little to the imagination when it comes to your nether regions, and make women of all ages feel uncomfortable as they try to avoid catching an accidental glimpse of your spandex-covered balls (very, very, terrifyingly thin spandex, I might add). Bonus: when people ask what you are, respond in a way that fails to answer the question, such as "I'm in a morphsuit," or "this is the only 'costume' I could find for under $12.99." Apparently this is what 75% of males do on Halloween, so I'm assuming it's a viable option.
3) Get hammered and make out with a slutty bunny who failed to realize that wearing a leotard does not rid her of the obligation to wear pants.
If you’re having a good day, allow me to help fix that by reminding you that Donald Trump is our president. It’s sort of like having a nation run by a mysogynistic granola bar.
You know what's funny? The fact that I got a 48% on my last geology exam, I have another one tomorrow, and instead of studying, I'm here typing a bunch of pointless bullshit for you guys. Mostly because I love you, but also because I am gifted in the art of procrastination.
aNyWaY. . .
I hope you all had a wonderful Halloween.
Ladies, I hope you took advantage of the opportunity to go into public places wearing as little clothing as is humanly possible while still covering the majority of your areola and at least one of your labia.
Gentlemen, I hope you took advantage of the opportunity to:
1) ogle the titties of multiple Harley Quinns (it's 2017 and apparently it's the only costume girls could think of this year. You see, once college-age females discover a character who looks like a thrift store prostitute, it is impossible for them not to dress up as said character. I haven't done much research on this phenomenon, but it certainly seems that this is the case.)
2) wear one of those freaky morphsuits that leave little to the imagination when it comes to your nether regions, and make women of all ages feel uncomfortable as they try to avoid catching an accidental glimpse of your spandex-covered balls (very, very, terrifyingly thin spandex, I might add). Bonus: when people ask what you are, respond in a way that fails to answer the question, such as "I'm in a morphsuit," or "this is the only 'costume' I could find for under $12.99." Apparently this is what 75% of males do on Halloween, so I'm assuming it's a viable option.
3) Get hammered and make out with a slutty bunny who failed to realize that wearing a leotard does not rid her of the obligation to wear pants.
Halloween Poetry. . .WOW!!!!!! ThrIlLING!!!!
It's October 31st and I am all dressed up tonight,
Look at me, I am a tiger– my costume's realistic, right?
I drew a nose on with some makeup and I made some whiskers too,
I got some colored contacts and I made my eyes look blue!
Put my hair up in a ponytail,
pushed up my double-Ds;
Pulled on my striped orange tiger socks–
they go up to my knees!
My cropped shirt is so very tight
it shows some underboob,
I look pretty much exactly like a tiger at the zoo.
I have a headband with two triangles that sit atop my head,
"Outside I see a tiger!" all my worried neighbors said.
"No, neighbors, do not worry, it is only me, you see,
I just got this costume, it's realistic as can be."
"Holy shit you had us frightened, is that really only you?
We almost called the cops, we just did not know what to do."
It makes sense that they'd be frightened, I understand it, I suppose,
just like a real live tiger, half my ass is quite exposed.
Well, it's time for me to go; my friends and I are going out,
I'm a tiger so tonight I'll find meat to put in my mouth.
Look at me, I am a tiger– my costume's realistic, right?
I drew a nose on with some makeup and I made some whiskers too,
I got some colored contacts and I made my eyes look blue!
Put my hair up in a ponytail,
pushed up my double-Ds;
Pulled on my striped orange tiger socks–
they go up to my knees!
My cropped shirt is so very tight
it shows some underboob,
I look pretty much exactly like a tiger at the zoo.
I have a headband with two triangles that sit atop my head,
"Outside I see a tiger!" all my worried neighbors said.
"No, neighbors, do not worry, it is only me, you see,
I just got this costume, it's realistic as can be."
"Holy shit you had us frightened, is that really only you?
We almost called the cops, we just did not know what to do."
It makes sense that they'd be frightened, I understand it, I suppose,
just like a real live tiger, half my ass is quite exposed.
Well, it's time for me to go; my friends and I are going out,
I'm a tiger so tonight I'll find meat to put in my mouth.
Wonderfully Amusing stories Submitted By You Guys!!! (But only the cool ones who actually love me and submit things because you want me to have nice things)
"I was really, really drunk, and I went to start the washing machine and the next thing I know I’m squatting in the middle of the floor of my laundry room. My boyfriend who isn’t really my boyfriend hears a “sssssppppppp” and walks in and is like "what the fuck are you doing?"
I’m like, "listen I know okay I know but I can’t stop I tried to pee in the washing machine but I couldn’t get on top of it I’m sorry."
And then I cleaned it up
I was making out with a guy at a party. I know him and he's a total manwhore, but he's hot so whatever. Anyway, we found an empty room and made out for a couple minutes, and then I started to unbutton his pants. He stopped me and said, "oh. . .no I already came."
GUESS WHAT, BITCHEZZZ??? I'm going home to California over winter break, and I am SO EXCITED!
and some organic, raw, sugar-free, cold-pressed, unfiltered, plant-based, non-GMO, gluten-free, and low-carb, because it's #LosAngeles and everything is #vegan #healthy #organic.
I can't wait to see all the #FitMoms and the #MomsWhoLift and of course the#soulcycleismylife -ers and #CrossfitFam members. Oh, and obviously the #HeathyMoms and #HealthyHusbands with #HealthyKids who are only allowed to eat things that are #Local, #OrganicallyGrown, #RawVegan, #GlutenFree, and #Blended up in their #Vitamix.
You think I'm kidding, but a 6-year-old girl I babysat asked me if my granola bar had gluten, and told me she doesn't eat anything with dairy in it because "milk is for baby cows." Her mother once gave me a lecture about how my recent (at the time) HPV vaccination was going to give me cancer and make my children autistic. . .
I can't wait to see all the #FitMoms and the #MomsWhoLift and of course the#soulcycleismylife -ers and #CrossfitFam members. Oh, and obviously the #HeathyMoms and #HealthyHusbands with #HealthyKids who are only allowed to eat things that are #Local, #OrganicallyGrown, #RawVegan, #GlutenFree, and #Blended up in their #Vitamix.
You think I'm kidding, but a 6-year-old girl I babysat asked me if my granola bar had gluten, and told me she doesn't eat anything with dairy in it because "milk is for baby cows." Her mother once gave me a lecture about how my recent (at the time) HPV vaccination was going to give me cancer and make my children autistic. . .
Maybe I'll stay in the South after all.
xoxo,
your favorite #Vegan #Yogi #WheatgrassShot -drinking girl who only puts meat in her mouth on special occasions. Like Birthdays, Valentine's Day, while I'm on my period, and at frat parties. Also Mondays. And Tuesdays! But also sometimes Wednesday through Friday.
Let's talk about something else.
Actually, I'm done with you.
Bye!
And remember,
not in a blimp, on a blimp!
-MandieEeEEEeEEEE
(please read that to the tune of The Lion Sleeps Tonight, the part where it goes "AWEEEEEEEEeeEEeeeee (m'bubweeeeeee)
here's a link to the song if you don't know which part I'm referring to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPXrdoWyGc0 it starts at 0:24. I just love you so much and I want you to get the full effect.)
xoxo,
your favorite #Vegan #Yogi #WheatgrassShot -drinking girl who only puts meat in her mouth on special occasions. Like Birthdays, Valentine's Day, while I'm on my period, and at frat parties. Also Mondays. And Tuesdays! But also sometimes Wednesday through Friday.
Let's talk about something else.
Actually, I'm done with you.
Bye!
And remember,
not in a blimp, on a blimp!
-MandieEeEEEeEEEE
(please read that to the tune of The Lion Sleeps Tonight, the part where it goes "AWEEEEEEEEeeEEeeeee (m'bubweeeeeee)
here's a link to the song if you don't know which part I'm referring to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPXrdoWyGc0 it starts at 0:24. I just love you so much and I want you to get the full effect.)
SUP BITCHES
Wow I have an excellent post for you today. I have oodles of stories to share with you, but I will spread them out throughout the next few posts instead of turning this post into novel.
Anywaaaaaay,
LET'S GET cLIT!!
Wow I have an excellent post for you today. I have oodles of stories to share with you, but I will spread them out throughout the next few posts instead of turning this post into novel.
Anywaaaaaay,
LET'S GET cLIT!!
POETRY W O W
I think that something's wrong with me,
though I'm not quite sure what;
my two cats are speaking Spanish and I feel like I'm a nut.
My piggy bank is mad at me,
my printer's thrown a fit,
and now Dwayne Johnson keeps appearing everywhere I sit.
My shoes are glowing yellow
but I swear that they were blue,
this is awfully confusing and I don't know what to do.
I made out with a leaf blower,
my elbow's growing hair,
is this some sort of prank, or is that llama really there?
This sushi tastes like bubblegum,
my asscheek's turning green;
If you think that this is funny, I think you are very mean.
My boyfriend turned into a rhino,
my big toe's no longer there,
I sure wish that you would help me, but it seems like you don't care.
There's a donkey on my ceiling,
there's an aardvark in my chair,
I've never taken drugs, but this is happening, I swear!
My teacher's licking my mom's face,
my dog's teaching me stats,
There's a bird eating cheese on my desk, outside are flying rats.
I know this sounds amusing,
but it really isn't fun,
I am hoping this will end soon, but I fear it's just begun.
though I'm not quite sure what;
my two cats are speaking Spanish and I feel like I'm a nut.
My piggy bank is mad at me,
my printer's thrown a fit,
and now Dwayne Johnson keeps appearing everywhere I sit.
My shoes are glowing yellow
but I swear that they were blue,
this is awfully confusing and I don't know what to do.
I made out with a leaf blower,
my elbow's growing hair,
is this some sort of prank, or is that llama really there?
This sushi tastes like bubblegum,
my asscheek's turning green;
If you think that this is funny, I think you are very mean.
My boyfriend turned into a rhino,
my big toe's no longer there,
I sure wish that you would help me, but it seems like you don't care.
There's a donkey on my ceiling,
there's an aardvark in my chair,
I've never taken drugs, but this is happening, I swear!
My teacher's licking my mom's face,
my dog's teaching me stats,
There's a bird eating cheese on my desk, outside are flying rats.
I know this sounds amusing,
but it really isn't fun,
I am hoping this will end soon, but I fear it's just begun.
PART 2: STORIES SUBMITTED BY YOU GUYS!!
1) "One night when my friend was really drunk, he ordered a fleshlight on Amazon. . .
on his dad's account.
His dad got an order confirmation email."
on his dad's account.
His dad got an order confirmation email."
2) "When I was in seventh grade, there was this girl with the same name as me. I was ugly, but she was 10 times uglier. A rumor started going around that she was dating this new guy that was super hot, but also a super-douche. I was sitting at lunch minding my own business, and everyone turned, looked at me and was like, "you’re dating him?”
I was like “what?”
and the hot douchebag comes up and says, “no, I'm dating the uglier one.” "
3) "I'm friends with benefits with this frat boy who's basically in love with me. Once when we first started hanging out, we were making out and he pulled away and said, "You know, you're not really my type." . . .???????
A couple months later (still not dating), he tells me I actually am his type. I asked how, and he told me he has a thing for damaged girls."
Part 3: Things That Might Make You Feel Better About Yourself (Even though you're literal trash)
1) That person you sit next to in calculus with perfect hair and rock-solid abs isn't gonna be hot forever. Not even Leonardo DiCaprio's godlike beauty lasted.
2) Zac Efron is single too! See, it's not just you who's alone, and the single life isn't only for the ugly! Right?
Right?
....right?? no seriously I need validation rn please tell me I won't be alone 5ever.
3) There's an animal called a dik dik. You think your name's bad?
4) Ladies, Ryan Gosling called me yesterday and told me he wants to have sex with you. Guys, Mila Kunis called me immediately after and told me she wants to have sex with you!
ok so I actually made that up, I just wanted to boost your self esteem. sorry bout it.
5) Somewhere in this world exists somebody who would LOVE to suck on your toes.
6) Your biggest insecurity? That's my fetish.
mmm, just thinking about your chin acne/uneven labia/kankles/etc has me all worked up.
mmm, just thinking about your chin acne/uneven labia/kankles/etc has me all worked up.
Send me stories pleasecoolthanks!! No for real. if you don't, don't count on waking up tomorrow morning.
damn that was dark. I'd say sorry, but I'M NOT.
I love you so much.
sososososo much.
Furreal.
If somebody told me I could lick anyone's areola, I'd lick yours.
Bc that's how into you I am.
call me l8r??
ttylzies bb,
and remember, NOT IN A BLIMP. ON. A. BLIMP.
xx,
mAnDiEeEe
sososososo much.
Furreal.
If somebody told me I could lick anyone's areola, I'd lick yours.
Bc that's how into you I am.
call me l8r??
ttylzies bb,
and remember, NOT IN A BLIMP. ON. A. BLIMP.
xx,
mAnDiEeEe
OH HI FRANDZ
I missed you. no joke, I almost died without you.
Welcome back to your favorite blog by your favorite blogger.
I missed you. no joke, I almost died without you.
Welcome back to your favorite blog by your favorite blogger.
That's what I tell myself, anyway.
Today I am starting off with a picture of my pussy, because I feel like we've reached a time in our relationship where we're ready to take things to the next level.
Today I am starting off with a picture of my pussy, because I feel like we've reached a time in our relationship where we're ready to take things to the next level.
Part 1: poetry becus I luv u and I want u 2 have nice things
I Can't Eat That by me (DUH)
My purse is made of walrus
and my shoes are real snake skin,
I have three coats made of baby mink;
right now they're really in.
My leather couch is comfy
as is my new fox tail scarf,
If I ever saw a girl in faux
I honestly might barf.
Hunting is my passion,
and I'm quite good at it too.
In fact I've shot so many antelope,
I could've filled a zoo!
My friend and I are now at dinner,
she says, "wanna try some chicken?"
I look at her and say
"No thanks, I can't eat that, I'm vegan."
My purse is made of walrus
and my shoes are real snake skin,
I have three coats made of baby mink;
right now they're really in.
My leather couch is comfy
as is my new fox tail scarf,
If I ever saw a girl in faux
I honestly might barf.
Hunting is my passion,
and I'm quite good at it too.
In fact I've shot so many antelope,
I could've filled a zoo!
My friend and I are now at dinner,
she says, "wanna try some chicken?"
I look at her and say
"No thanks, I can't eat that, I'm vegan."
Part 2: Story submissions from YOU GUYS!! Woohoo!
1) "So I was hooking up with this guy who I've been friends with for a while now. We are pretty comfortable with each other, and had hooked up about three times prior to the horror story I am about to relay to you:
I was a little bit drunk and he was pretty high. We started making out and then it progressed, and suddenly my mouth was on his dick. As I was giving him a blowjob I felt him reach behind me and slide his hand down the back of my underwear. I wasn't shaken by this until he started literally trying to FINGER MY BUTTHOLE. I DID NOT ASK FOR THAT NOPE NO THANK YOU. I jumped back and was like "oh that's okay you don't have to do that." And he was like "oh okay sorry." But it was the weirdest moment of my life and idk why he thought that was a good idea but yikes please send help because I am traumatized."
I was a little bit drunk and he was pretty high. We started making out and then it progressed, and suddenly my mouth was on his dick. As I was giving him a blowjob I felt him reach behind me and slide his hand down the back of my underwear. I wasn't shaken by this until he started literally trying to FINGER MY BUTTHOLE. I DID NOT ASK FOR THAT NOPE NO THANK YOU. I jumped back and was like "oh that's okay you don't have to do that." And he was like "oh okay sorry." But it was the weirdest moment of my life and idk why he thought that was a good idea but yikes please send help because I am traumatized."
2) "So I'm fucking this girl and sucking on her tits, and I feel something go down my throat. So I stop fucking her, look at her boob, and her nipple ring was gone. RIP."
pART 4: I wrote tHIS pOEM aND then I rEALIZED iT'S horrible, bUT IT tOOK 17 yEARS tO wRITE sO hERE yOU go (also I'm sorry about the 60 seconds of your life I'm about to waste).
Idfk what to call this poem but its really bad and I'm sorry
by Mandie
Mr. Jones has kidney stones
and has broken sixty-two cell phones.
He plays trombones, records ringtones,
and manufactures traffic cones.
He never spends, yet takes out loans,
Why? That's one of life's unknowns.
Edward Gluck, he drives a truck;
acts like he doesn't give a fuck.
But with any luck, all the drugs that he snuck
will improve tonight's party since it's gonna suck.
Mrs. Nells collects pink shells
she rarely bathes, and sometimes smells.
She always yells, sometimes misspells,
and she's banned from seventeen hotels.
There's something she never tells:
she's involved in seven drug cartels.
Tyler Rex likes having sex
and slowing down to see car wrecks.
all school subjects leave him quite vexed,
I've heard he has a god complex.
He never calls his young son, Lex,
and gets angry letters from his ex.
Kelly Frocks, she collects rocks,
and in a box is her pet fox.
She always wears crocs, she never wears socks,
and instead work, she just buys and sells stocks.
All of her clocks are in boxes with locks,
and she exclusively dates the football jocks.
And as for me, I lost my key,
and so outside is where I'll be.
I work for free, I like peach tea,
I bang every guy that I see.
I hate to ski, but my boyfriend, Lee,
makes me on our anniversary.
I had to pee, but golly gee!
on my way to the restroom I banged my knee.
As for you? I've got no clue,
what is it that you like to do?
I've heard you say things that aren't true;
you said your dog is Scooby Doo.
But you flew your crew all the way to Peru,
and that is a lovely thing to do.
And let me say, if you want to,
I'd like you to be my new boo.
by Mandie
Mr. Jones has kidney stones
and has broken sixty-two cell phones.
He plays trombones, records ringtones,
and manufactures traffic cones.
He never spends, yet takes out loans,
Why? That's one of life's unknowns.
Edward Gluck, he drives a truck;
acts like he doesn't give a fuck.
But with any luck, all the drugs that he snuck
will improve tonight's party since it's gonna suck.
Mrs. Nells collects pink shells
she rarely bathes, and sometimes smells.
She always yells, sometimes misspells,
and she's banned from seventeen hotels.
There's something she never tells:
she's involved in seven drug cartels.
Tyler Rex likes having sex
and slowing down to see car wrecks.
all school subjects leave him quite vexed,
I've heard he has a god complex.
He never calls his young son, Lex,
and gets angry letters from his ex.
Kelly Frocks, she collects rocks,
and in a box is her pet fox.
She always wears crocs, she never wears socks,
and instead work, she just buys and sells stocks.
All of her clocks are in boxes with locks,
and she exclusively dates the football jocks.
And as for me, I lost my key,
and so outside is where I'll be.
I work for free, I like peach tea,
I bang every guy that I see.
I hate to ski, but my boyfriend, Lee,
makes me on our anniversary.
I had to pee, but golly gee!
on my way to the restroom I banged my knee.
As for you? I've got no clue,
what is it that you like to do?
I've heard you say things that aren't true;
you said your dog is Scooby Doo.
But you flew your crew all the way to Peru,
and that is a lovely thing to do.
And let me say, if you want to,
I'd like you to be my new boo.
Alrightio, that's all i have for you losers today.
BYE BITCHEZ
AND REMEMBER
NOT
IN
A
BLIMP,
ON
A
BLIMP.
xx,
mandiEIEIIieeeieeEIEEIEIIiEIeee
"EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!" screamed Chris, sloshing the remaining contents of his mostly-empty can of Busch Light onto the floor.
Reese watched as the puddle of beer faded the stain from Tyler Macintosh's vomiting spell 2 weeks prior. I should switch my major to chemistry, he thought. Then again, what even IS a major anyway? Is school even real? Is LIFE even real?
His red eyes look up to see the whole chapter looking at him. Apparently he'd been staring at the puddle for longer than he'd thought. He went and sat down with the rest of his fraternity, on mismatched chairs that the members had stolen from various porches, coffee shop patios, and momentarily unsupervised garage sales.
Chris, the president of Sigma Nu at Blakeford University, shotgunned a Corona, crushed the can, threw it out of the nearest window, and looked up at his brothers.
"Brothers," he said, "we have a serious issue on our hands."
There were many different reactions from the Sig Nu brothers. The older brothers were entirely unfazed. In fact, most odd them barely seemed to have heard. Most of them were either gulping down their seventh beer of the hour, or reaching into their pockets and pulling out lighters with which they lit whatever they happened to be smoking today.
The pledge class of 2017, however, looked up at Chris with a mix of fear, admiration, and more fear; this was because it was only weeks ago that Chris had forced them to stick an inordinate amount of Q-Tips up their assholes (apparently as a "brotherly bonding activity"), and they worried that they might be forced to "bond" more with their brothers as a consequence of whatever issue was at hand.
"I have been informed by the national fraternity council that the pledge class of 2016 has failed to fuck enough bitches in the past year, therefore decreasing our chapter's average to an embarrassing 67.5 HPY."
The older brothers' heads snapped up, their faces displaying expressions of horror, and there was an audible gasp.
"67.5 HPY?" Mark said to Will in disbelief.
"It hasn't been that low in ages," cried Lucas.
"What is HPY?" the 2017 pledge class boys asked each other.
"EVERYONE SETTLE DOWN," shouted Chris, and the brothers returned to their seats, many with their heads in their hands. Then again, that could have been from excessive alcohol consumption rather than from distress.
"For the new brothers," he explained, "HPY is a unit of measurement; Hoes Per Year. Our average of 67.5 HPY means that, on average, each member of Sig Nu here at Blakeford is fucking between 67 and 68 bitches per schoolyear. Last year's rating was 84.3, and the year before that was 92. Do you realize what this means? Do you know what we have to do?"
"Not the Q-Tips," whispered Sean to a few of his 2017 pledge class brothers.
"We have to bring Leo in," the older brothers said in unison.
Leo was a senior who was regarded so highly within the chapter that he was practically a god. He didn't go to chapter meetings anymore, because the brothers wouldn't dare waste an ounce of his time; time that could be spent drastically increasing the fraternity's HPY rating.
Leo was a 6'6, blue-eyed, ripped football player with glowing tanned skin (no matter the season), perfectly white teeth (despite his constant smoking), and more sorority function t-shirts than any other guy in Sig Nu. Or Blakeford. Or maybe even the world.
Last year alone, Leo's personal HPY rating was over 300. The pledges were forced to keep count, so there was always at least one pledge assigned to follow him around at all times. To detract from the chosen pledge's inevitable joy at being assigned the best job ever (being in the presence of Leo was an honor in itself, but to see the unimaginably beautiful women he got with was a whole new level of pleasure), he was forced to dress head to toe in tweed whilst performing his duties.
"Precisely," boomed a deep, radio-like voice. Just then, the door opened, and in walked Leo, wearing brand-new size 16 New Balance sneakers, a Delta Zeta 2014 crush party tee, a backwards baseball cap, and khakis. He had an Alpha Phi on each arm, each of them so beautiful that they looked to be straight out of a magazine. He grabbed a Busch light off of the bar, drank the entire thing in two gulps, crushed the can, and tossed it into the corner of the room.
"Hello everyone," he said.
"Oh my god you're so funny Leo," giggled the girl on his right.
"So funny," agreed the other.
The brothers all looked up, glancing from Leo to the girls' boobs and back to Leo, unable to decide which to look at.
"I hear that my help is needed," he said. He turned to the girls, saying, "can you guys leave? Just go back to my place and watch Netflix, I'll be there in an hour." He winked, and the girls stumbled out giggling, taking one last glance at Leo's massive biceps before the door closed. The chapter watched this scene, looking at Leo with nearly as much infatuation as the girls had.
"Well," he began, "Let's begin."
Reese watched as the puddle of beer faded the stain from Tyler Macintosh's vomiting spell 2 weeks prior. I should switch my major to chemistry, he thought. Then again, what even IS a major anyway? Is school even real? Is LIFE even real?
His red eyes look up to see the whole chapter looking at him. Apparently he'd been staring at the puddle for longer than he'd thought. He went and sat down with the rest of his fraternity, on mismatched chairs that the members had stolen from various porches, coffee shop patios, and momentarily unsupervised garage sales.
Chris, the president of Sigma Nu at Blakeford University, shotgunned a Corona, crushed the can, threw it out of the nearest window, and looked up at his brothers.
"Brothers," he said, "we have a serious issue on our hands."
There were many different reactions from the Sig Nu brothers. The older brothers were entirely unfazed. In fact, most odd them barely seemed to have heard. Most of them were either gulping down their seventh beer of the hour, or reaching into their pockets and pulling out lighters with which they lit whatever they happened to be smoking today.
The pledge class of 2017, however, looked up at Chris with a mix of fear, admiration, and more fear; this was because it was only weeks ago that Chris had forced them to stick an inordinate amount of Q-Tips up their assholes (apparently as a "brotherly bonding activity"), and they worried that they might be forced to "bond" more with their brothers as a consequence of whatever issue was at hand.
"I have been informed by the national fraternity council that the pledge class of 2016 has failed to fuck enough bitches in the past year, therefore decreasing our chapter's average to an embarrassing 67.5 HPY."
The older brothers' heads snapped up, their faces displaying expressions of horror, and there was an audible gasp.
"67.5 HPY?" Mark said to Will in disbelief.
"It hasn't been that low in ages," cried Lucas.
"What is HPY?" the 2017 pledge class boys asked each other.
"EVERYONE SETTLE DOWN," shouted Chris, and the brothers returned to their seats, many with their heads in their hands. Then again, that could have been from excessive alcohol consumption rather than from distress.
"For the new brothers," he explained, "HPY is a unit of measurement; Hoes Per Year. Our average of 67.5 HPY means that, on average, each member of Sig Nu here at Blakeford is fucking between 67 and 68 bitches per schoolyear. Last year's rating was 84.3, and the year before that was 92. Do you realize what this means? Do you know what we have to do?"
"Not the Q-Tips," whispered Sean to a few of his 2017 pledge class brothers.
"We have to bring Leo in," the older brothers said in unison.
Leo was a senior who was regarded so highly within the chapter that he was practically a god. He didn't go to chapter meetings anymore, because the brothers wouldn't dare waste an ounce of his time; time that could be spent drastically increasing the fraternity's HPY rating.
Leo was a 6'6, blue-eyed, ripped football player with glowing tanned skin (no matter the season), perfectly white teeth (despite his constant smoking), and more sorority function t-shirts than any other guy in Sig Nu. Or Blakeford. Or maybe even the world.
Last year alone, Leo's personal HPY rating was over 300. The pledges were forced to keep count, so there was always at least one pledge assigned to follow him around at all times. To detract from the chosen pledge's inevitable joy at being assigned the best job ever (being in the presence of Leo was an honor in itself, but to see the unimaginably beautiful women he got with was a whole new level of pleasure), he was forced to dress head to toe in tweed whilst performing his duties.
"Precisely," boomed a deep, radio-like voice. Just then, the door opened, and in walked Leo, wearing brand-new size 16 New Balance sneakers, a Delta Zeta 2014 crush party tee, a backwards baseball cap, and khakis. He had an Alpha Phi on each arm, each of them so beautiful that they looked to be straight out of a magazine. He grabbed a Busch light off of the bar, drank the entire thing in two gulps, crushed the can, and tossed it into the corner of the room.
"Hello everyone," he said.
"Oh my god you're so funny Leo," giggled the girl on his right.
"So funny," agreed the other.
The brothers all looked up, glancing from Leo to the girls' boobs and back to Leo, unable to decide which to look at.
"I hear that my help is needed," he said. He turned to the girls, saying, "can you guys leave? Just go back to my place and watch Netflix, I'll be there in an hour." He winked, and the girls stumbled out giggling, taking one last glance at Leo's massive biceps before the door closed. The chapter watched this scene, looking at Leo with nearly as much infatuation as the girls had.
"Well," he began, "Let's begin."
Wow, look at you! You look fabulous today. that shirt really brings out your eyes.
lookin' good.
lookin' good.
oh shit this is awkward. . . I thought that was you, but
I always thought you were kind of an ass. Whatever, it's hump day, so let's do it anyways. I don't discriminate.
anyway, here goes another post, because I know that you need something to read while you procrastinate instead of doing your homework.
Part 1: Poetry
The Rebound
I met my boyfriend's parents, his mom's name is Clarice;
his father's name is Leo and his sister is Patrice.
They took me out to dinner and said "we're glad you love our son,
but there is something we think you should know if you think he's the one.
Our son is quite a gentleman, an anomaly, we say;
but Melissa, oh Melissa. . .we must tell you: Josh is gay.
He's dated Tom and Carl, also James and Rob McKay,
when we asked him who his crush is, his answer was Christian Grey."
The rest of dinner was quite odd; I did not know what to do,
nobody would in this situation, no, not even you.
Although I wanted to deny it, it honestly made sense,
in bed he often yells guys' names, which makes our love life tense.
"well does he have a cousin or an uncle I could date?
I honestly do not care who, I just need a new mate."
Josh's mom glared at me and she looked like she was mad,
"no he does not, but I am free tonight," suggested Josh's dad.
I met my boyfriend's parents, his mom's name is Clarice;
his father's name is Leo and his sister is Patrice.
They took me out to dinner and said "we're glad you love our son,
but there is something we think you should know if you think he's the one.
Our son is quite a gentleman, an anomaly, we say;
but Melissa, oh Melissa. . .we must tell you: Josh is gay.
He's dated Tom and Carl, also James and Rob McKay,
when we asked him who his crush is, his answer was Christian Grey."
The rest of dinner was quite odd; I did not know what to do,
nobody would in this situation, no, not even you.
Although I wanted to deny it, it honestly made sense,
in bed he often yells guys' names, which makes our love life tense.
"well does he have a cousin or an uncle I could date?
I honestly do not care who, I just need a new mate."
Josh's mom glared at me and she looked like she was mad,
"no he does not, but I am free tonight," suggested Josh's dad.
Part 2: Why do Bad Hookups happen to good people? : Submissions by YOU GUYS because ur the fuckin best
1) "Time it takes him to convince me to come over: 2 hours.
Time it takes for me to get ready to go over: 35 minutes.
Time it takes for me to drive to his house: 6 minutes.
Time it takes for him to cum: 1 minute."
Time it takes for me to get ready to go over: 35 minutes.
Time it takes for me to drive to his house: 6 minutes.
Time it takes for him to cum: 1 minute."
2) "Last year I got set up for formal with this super cute guy. I was really excited about it. We met the day of formal, and I was nervous it would be awkward, but we got along really well. At formal we were dancing and I really wanted him to kiss me, but after like 5 songs he still hadn’t. I’m impatient so I just went for it.
At the end of the night he came home with me, but OF COURSE I was on my period so we couldn’t have sex. I drunkenly sucked his dick, and he told me I give really good head, so I liked him even more. After formal, our communications were restricted to the occasional drunk text asking me to hang out. I would say yes, but every single time he fell asleep by the time I texted him back. Then one day around finals, he texted me to come over. I had heard this so many times so I texted him back asking if he would fall asleep by the time I got there. He promised he was sober and he wouldn’t, so I went on my merry way. I got to his house and he, similarly to formal, was too scared to make the first move. So what did we do between the hours of 11-2? Watched Jurassic Park!!! I think we may have watched two of the movies and I was so tired that I just wanted to go home. Just when I thought nothing would happen, he leaned over and kissed me. He wanted to have sex so I started to go down on him, but every time he would go to grab a condom, he got soft again. “What is it??’ I asked.
“I just took way too much Adderall”, he said, but I felt so dumb and insecure that I just wanted to go home. I told him I was leaving and felt ugly and stupid and he leapt up and said we’d try again. Miraculously he was able to get it up. He flipped me over and we did doggy for about 3 minutes and then it was over. I left immediately afterwards and he texted me apologizing, again saying that he had taken too much Adderall and it was affecting his performance. We have not since spoken!"
At the end of the night he came home with me, but OF COURSE I was on my period so we couldn’t have sex. I drunkenly sucked his dick, and he told me I give really good head, so I liked him even more. After formal, our communications were restricted to the occasional drunk text asking me to hang out. I would say yes, but every single time he fell asleep by the time I texted him back. Then one day around finals, he texted me to come over. I had heard this so many times so I texted him back asking if he would fall asleep by the time I got there. He promised he was sober and he wouldn’t, so I went on my merry way. I got to his house and he, similarly to formal, was too scared to make the first move. So what did we do between the hours of 11-2? Watched Jurassic Park!!! I think we may have watched two of the movies and I was so tired that I just wanted to go home. Just when I thought nothing would happen, he leaned over and kissed me. He wanted to have sex so I started to go down on him, but every time he would go to grab a condom, he got soft again. “What is it??’ I asked.
“I just took way too much Adderall”, he said, but I felt so dumb and insecure that I just wanted to go home. I told him I was leaving and felt ugly and stupid and he leapt up and said we’d try again. Miraculously he was able to get it up. He flipped me over and we did doggy for about 3 minutes and then it was over. I left immediately afterwards and he texted me apologizing, again saying that he had taken too much Adderall and it was affecting his performance. We have not since spoken!"
Part 3: GREAT NUDES!! Oops, I Meant Great ***NEWS**
I typed up a story for you guys and then realized it was ten times too long to post in a blog, so I have made a page on the blog for really weird, creative stories I write!! Feel free to give me suggestions!!! No, like furreal. Please give me a topic to write about!!
thanks for reading!!! for more content, go to the "stories by moi" page :-)
xoxoxoxo
and remember, not in a blimp, on a blimp!
-mAnDiEeEe
xoxoxoxo
and remember, not in a blimp, on a blimp!
-mAnDiEeEe
The blog is back so grab a snack, and sit and read it on your Mac.
Don't do crack, don't stare at my rack,
just read the blog 'cause it's back on track!!
HELLO MY DARLING PRINCESS HONEY MUFFIN ANGEL BABIES
I have 3 quizzes and 2 tests this week, but instead of studying, I'm writing this.
Don't do crack, don't stare at my rack,
just read the blog 'cause it's back on track!!
HELLO MY DARLING PRINCESS HONEY MUFFIN ANGEL BABIES
I have 3 quizzes and 2 tests this week, but instead of studying, I'm writing this.
Part 1: Poetry of course!!
Your Mother Has a Freckle by Mandie Your mother has a freckle, I cannot tell you where, you may think that I'm a lying douche, but trust me, it is there. Your mother has a freckle, it is small and brown and round, it was strange because it was somewhere freckles should not be found. your mother has a freckle, and I think that you should know: I licked your mother's freckle, I promise she liked it, though. Your mother has a freckle, and I'll see it more tonight, whether she will tell you where it is, I don't know, but she might! I can't wait to see that freckle, I'll see it at 9 o'clock, I will see your mother's freckle and your mom will see my. . . um. . .face? |
Part 2: Fuck, Marry, Kill, Adopt!
Please read the following descriptions of Emma, Rex, Eloise, and Richard. Then, choose which of them you'd like to ride reverse cowgirl style (or which you'd like to be on top of you) , which you'd like to see at the end when you walk down the aisle, which you'd like to brutally murder, and finally, which of them you would like to adopt as your child.
Emma
Emma is a 23-year-old gal from a town in Iowa that is so miniscule that it doesn’t even have a name. She moved to New York City at the age of 20, to pursue her dream of finding $56 on the ground (her friend Amy went to New York City in high school, and while she was shopping, she found $56 cash under a bench!). Emma fell in love with the city, and believes she will live there for the rest of her life (or at least until she finds $56 cash under a bench).
She makes a good living as the manager of her local “CandleYouStop?”, a widely popular candle outlet. She puts most of her money into savings, but she keeps a little bit of money from each paycheck so that she can splurge on weekends, when she gets plastered at “BARk”, a dog-friendly sports bar in the area. She goes with her three best friends; Zara, Sara, and Sarah, and of course Clyde, her beagle, whom she pushes in a stroller.
As far as dating goes, she isn’t picky, these are her only requirements:
Oddly enough, Emma’s never had a boyfriend. Could you be her first?
Rex
Rex is a 27-year-old British criminal defense attorney, though his true passion is cactus. He’s a 6’4 blonde with big blue eyes, washboard abs, and a Gucci leather jacket. He grew up in Manchester, but moved to Kansas when he was 16. His earnings as an attorney combined with a hefty inheritance from his grandparents have made him quite wealthy, yet the only shoes he wears are Crocs. . .even with a suit.
Rex’s legal name is Kevin, but once his bank account hit 7 figures, he decided that a cooler name was in order. If you value your life, do NOT call him Kevin.
Rex’s passion for cactus often gets in the way of his career goals, but he refuses to quit his career as an attorney until he can afford to open an endangered cactus sanctuary.
Rex is into women who are tall, curvaceous, into weird BDSM shit, and of course, they must share his passion for cactus.
Could you be his next lover?
Eloise
Eloise is a 24-year-old seventh-year senior at Arizona State University. Born and raised in Arizona, she couldn’t bear to leave. Her hobbies include partying, grinding on sexy brunette guys, standing on the street corner, meeting guys at the club, and making homemade marinara sauce. She’s looking for a guy who’s loving, committed, respectful, and down for the occasional threesome. If you fit the bill, you should hit her up! Her number is written in sharpie on all of the stall doors in every men’s bathroom at ASU.
Richard
Richard is a great guy, but he can be a real dick sometimes. The ladies love him though, because he’s a self-proclaimed “bad boy,” and he’s even had a beer despite the fact that he won’t be 21 for another 3 months. Richard is looking for a “bad girl” because he says, “I need a girl who really vibes with me. Like, I can't be with a chick who’s gonna get in the way of my rebellious stage, ya feel me bro?”
Richard has never been to church, but he tells everyone he’s Christian because he gets gifts for Christmas, and he’s had his Christmas wishlist ready since March. You know what’s on it?
“you.”
He’s a bad boy, he’s smooth as fuck, and he always has a package of Skittles with him. What more could you want in a man? Do you want to taste Richard's rainbow? . . .if you know what I mean (I sure hope you do, because I don't).
Emma is a 23-year-old gal from a town in Iowa that is so miniscule that it doesn’t even have a name. She moved to New York City at the age of 20, to pursue her dream of finding $56 on the ground (her friend Amy went to New York City in high school, and while she was shopping, she found $56 cash under a bench!). Emma fell in love with the city, and believes she will live there for the rest of her life (or at least until she finds $56 cash under a bench).
She makes a good living as the manager of her local “CandleYouStop?”, a widely popular candle outlet. She puts most of her money into savings, but she keeps a little bit of money from each paycheck so that she can splurge on weekends, when she gets plastered at “BARk”, a dog-friendly sports bar in the area. She goes with her three best friends; Zara, Sara, and Sarah, and of course Clyde, her beagle, whom she pushes in a stroller.
As far as dating goes, she isn’t picky, these are her only requirements:
- he has to love her favorite movie, “Minerals Rock!” ( a 4 ½ hour long film about, you guessed it, rocks and minerals!)
- He has to be good at three things: basketball, baking, and toe-sucking
- He has to be a middle-eastern, green-eyed artist who teaches kindergarten and knows how to sew.
- he has to wax his chest at least once per month
Oddly enough, Emma’s never had a boyfriend. Could you be her first?
Rex
Rex is a 27-year-old British criminal defense attorney, though his true passion is cactus. He’s a 6’4 blonde with big blue eyes, washboard abs, and a Gucci leather jacket. He grew up in Manchester, but moved to Kansas when he was 16. His earnings as an attorney combined with a hefty inheritance from his grandparents have made him quite wealthy, yet the only shoes he wears are Crocs. . .even with a suit.
Rex’s legal name is Kevin, but once his bank account hit 7 figures, he decided that a cooler name was in order. If you value your life, do NOT call him Kevin.
Rex’s passion for cactus often gets in the way of his career goals, but he refuses to quit his career as an attorney until he can afford to open an endangered cactus sanctuary.
Rex is into women who are tall, curvaceous, into weird BDSM shit, and of course, they must share his passion for cactus.
Could you be his next lover?
Eloise
Eloise is a 24-year-old seventh-year senior at Arizona State University. Born and raised in Arizona, she couldn’t bear to leave. Her hobbies include partying, grinding on sexy brunette guys, standing on the street corner, meeting guys at the club, and making homemade marinara sauce. She’s looking for a guy who’s loving, committed, respectful, and down for the occasional threesome. If you fit the bill, you should hit her up! Her number is written in sharpie on all of the stall doors in every men’s bathroom at ASU.
Richard
Richard is a great guy, but he can be a real dick sometimes. The ladies love him though, because he’s a self-proclaimed “bad boy,” and he’s even had a beer despite the fact that he won’t be 21 for another 3 months. Richard is looking for a “bad girl” because he says, “I need a girl who really vibes with me. Like, I can't be with a chick who’s gonna get in the way of my rebellious stage, ya feel me bro?”
Richard has never been to church, but he tells everyone he’s Christian because he gets gifts for Christmas, and he’s had his Christmas wishlist ready since March. You know what’s on it?
“you.”
He’s a bad boy, he’s smooth as fuck, and he always has a package of Skittles with him. What more could you want in a man? Do you want to taste Richard's rainbow? . . .if you know what I mean (I sure hope you do, because I don't).
"Did you really just say that??" : a compilation of dumb shit boys have said to Me
some boys shouldn't be allowed to talk. some girls shouldn't be allowed to talk. some people shouldn't be allowed to talk.
Today, I'm focusing on the boys that shouldn't be allowed to talk.
Here are some real things that guys have said to me. Please note that these are all (unfortunately) direct quotes (I've been writing them down in the notes on my phone as guys say them). Here goes: :
Today, I'm focusing on the boys that shouldn't be allowed to talk.
Here are some real things that guys have said to me. Please note that these are all (unfortunately) direct quotes (I've been writing them down in the notes on my phone as guys say them). Here goes: :
1) "I'm the tallest, buffest, nicest guy here."
2) Him: "C'mon let's go dance"
Me: "Nah."
Him: "C'mon just come rub your ass on my dick.
3) Me: "What's Josh* like? Is he a good guy?"
Josh's best friend: "He has a huge dick."
*Name has been changed
4) "I started the Harambe joke. I made a joke about it in my Instagram bio and then it totally blew up"
5) Him: *invites me over to watch a movie*
Me: *arrives at his place*
Him: *turns on the tv*
Me: *Grabs the remote to turn on the movie, which we'd picked ahead of time*
Him: *grabs the remote*
Him: "wanna watch some sexy stuff instead?"
6) "This is my house and you need to drink water."
~A guy who didn't understand that those two statements do not correlate
7) "I want to make love to you. . .platonically."
8) "Six packs aren't even possible. I work out every day and I don't have one. They're not really a thing except for famous people."
9) Me: "can I have a shot of that? Pleeeeassse I'll give you a hug. . ."
Him: "I don't want a hug, why don't you show me what that tongue ring can do."
10) "You're the most interesting of all the girls I'm talking to."
Please do not hesitate to send in dumb shit people (guys or girls) have said to YOU! You can contact me at [email protected] or simply go to the "Contact Me" page on the site. Funny stories, segment suggestions, gifs you want me to include, and anything else amusing you think I might like to put on the blog are SO APPRECIATED!!
and don't forget to leave a comment below :-)
LOVE U
and don't forget!!! – not in a blimp, on a blimp!!
xoxo,
Mandieeeeeeeeeeeeee
LOVE U
and don't forget!!! – not in a blimp, on a blimp!!
xoxo,
Mandieeeeeeeeeeeeee
soup beaches
sip butches
sap batches
SUP BITCHES
sip butches
sap batches
SUP BITCHES
I know what you're thinking:
"my ears are bleeding after listening to that new Taylor Swift song."
but I also know the OTHER thing you're thinking:
"wait this blog still exists?"
AND HELL FUCKIN YEAH IT DOES
I MISSED U SO MUCH. THE WHOLE TIME I WAS ALL LIKE
"my ears are bleeding after listening to that new Taylor Swift song."
but I also know the OTHER thing you're thinking:
"wait this blog still exists?"
AND HELL FUCKIN YEAH IT DOES
I MISSED U SO MUCH. THE WHOLE TIME I WAS ALL LIKE
Because I have risen from the dead, I have chosen a fitting theme for this post (aside from the poem): Twilight. Vampires. Ah, yes, the cringiest movies you've ever seen, but for some reason you've seen them all anyways. DON'T EVEN TRY TO DENY IT.
Anyway, I'm back, I'm black, and I'm on crack, so LETZ GETTIT STARTED IN HEEEERE!
Anyway, I'm back, I'm black, and I'm on crack, so LETZ GETTIT STARTED IN HEEEERE!
Part 1: Poetry, DUH
Marijuana is for Sinners (by Mandie)
Marijuana is for sinners,
not for innocents like me;
I won't kiss until marriage
because that'd be unclean.
I've never tasted alcohol,
'cause dad would disapprove,
if a boy's in the same room as me
I instantly must move.
I never have chipped nail polish,
or wrinkles in my clothes,
I keep all of my bibles in six neatly-ordered rows.
I volunteer nine days per week,
and help seniors cross the street,
I'd never harm an animal
so I never eat meat.
I never drink caffeine
because I've heard that it's a drug,
I'd never hurt a single thing,
nope, not even a bug.
I always make good choices
and I never wear a thong,
for that is oversexual
and thus it would be wrong.
I never go to parties because I heard people drink,
I wouldn't ever do that 'cause it's very bad, I think.
Drugs are very bad for you; shrooms, weed, and LSD
I'd never ever do those drugs; just heroin for me.
Marijuana is for sinners,
not for innocents like me;
I won't kiss until marriage
because that'd be unclean.
I've never tasted alcohol,
'cause dad would disapprove,
if a boy's in the same room as me
I instantly must move.
I never have chipped nail polish,
or wrinkles in my clothes,
I keep all of my bibles in six neatly-ordered rows.
I volunteer nine days per week,
and help seniors cross the street,
I'd never harm an animal
so I never eat meat.
I never drink caffeine
because I've heard that it's a drug,
I'd never hurt a single thing,
nope, not even a bug.
I always make good choices
and I never wear a thong,
for that is oversexual
and thus it would be wrong.
I never go to parties because I heard people drink,
I wouldn't ever do that 'cause it's very bad, I think.
Drugs are very bad for you; shrooms, weed, and LSD
I'd never ever do those drugs; just heroin for me.
Part 2: A story, told through twilight gifs because I FUCKING LOVE TWILIGHT GIFS
@ readers with sisters: you know how when your sister's uterus is raining, you can instantly tell by the constant flow (ew, no pun intended) of melodrama from her mouth? You know how at first you're like "oh my god, shut up," but a few moments later, you realize that it is thoroughly entertaining and you never want it to end?
This, my friends, is precisely how I feel about Twilight GIFs.
They are so entirely overemotional that it's flippin hilarious.
Allow me to tell you an (unfortunate but true) story while incorporating as many Twilight GIFs as I possibly can. YOU'RE WELCOME.
This, my friends, is precisely how I feel about Twilight GIFs.
They are so entirely overemotional that it's flippin hilarious.
Allow me to tell you an (unfortunate but true) story while incorporating as many Twilight GIFs as I possibly can. YOU'RE WELCOME.
Friends, I have a confession.
fortunately, none of those are it.
here is my confession: I have zero facial recognition skills.
many of you know this, because I probably introduced myself to you thirteen times before I realized we'd already met.
anyhow, one night I went to a little party/kickback sorta deal and met some guy. Let's call him Edward, for the sake of today's Twilight theme.
here is my confession: I have zero facial recognition skills.
many of you know this, because I probably introduced myself to you thirteen times before I realized we'd already met.
anyhow, one night I went to a little party/kickback sorta deal and met some guy. Let's call him Edward, for the sake of today's Twilight theme.
now, please keep in mind that I was mildly intoxicated upon meeting him.
the moment I saw him, I decided that I needed him. Why? Because
1) everyone is sexy as hell when I'm drunk
and
2) I was desperately craving a rebound.
so anyway Edward comes up to my friend and I, and starts talking to us for a bit...mostly to her though. A few minutes of banter, and he walks away.
1) everyone is sexy as hell when I'm drunk
and
2) I was desperately craving a rebound.
so anyway Edward comes up to my friend and I, and starts talking to us for a bit...mostly to her though. A few minutes of banter, and he walks away.
I honestly don't remember how it happened, but I guess drunk me has game, because one thing led to another and we were on the couch chatting for like an hour. Or two. Or seven? Dunno.
And then another thing led to another, and he was coming over to my place. because I. make. great. choices. always.
so he comes over and we get into my bed. we chatted for a while, like an hour, and then he finally kisses me.
oh my god.
it was like he was trying to get me to give his tongue a blowjob. I've never had anything so far down my throat, and that's saying a lot, because your dad came over last night.
anyway, at this point I was sobering up and I was becoming increasingly less attracted to him. the kiss solidified that feeling. the moment I felt his tongue on my uvula, I became less attracted to him than I am to expired marinara sauce.
Just for clarification, I am not sexually attracted to expired marinara sauce.
ok so I slept as far away from him in my bed as possible, cuddling my cat (which, by the way, Edward began speaking to, "Taffy I'm so jealous of you right now.") and internally sobbing at how terrible of a decision I had made.
In the morning when I woke up, I saw his face and, instantly, my regret for having touched tongues with this male multiplied by 573.6.
And then another thing led to another, and he was coming over to my place. because I. make. great. choices. always.
so he comes over and we get into my bed. we chatted for a while, like an hour, and then he finally kisses me.
oh my god.
it was like he was trying to get me to give his tongue a blowjob. I've never had anything so far down my throat, and that's saying a lot, because your dad came over last night.
anyway, at this point I was sobering up and I was becoming increasingly less attracted to him. the kiss solidified that feeling. the moment I felt his tongue on my uvula, I became less attracted to him than I am to expired marinara sauce.
Just for clarification, I am not sexually attracted to expired marinara sauce.
ok so I slept as far away from him in my bed as possible, cuddling my cat (which, by the way, Edward began speaking to, "Taffy I'm so jealous of you right now.") and internally sobbing at how terrible of a decision I had made.
In the morning when I woke up, I saw his face and, instantly, my regret for having touched tongues with this male multiplied by 573.6.
In fact, the fact that his tongue had been anywhere near my mouth at any point made me mildly nauseous.
Edward did not feel the same way. He's all, "so where do you want to go from here?"
he was basically saying, "so like r we gonna date??"
he began a speech about how incredible I am. It was very intense. I was honestly expecting an"I love you" at any moment.
Edward did not feel the same way. He's all, "so where do you want to go from here?"
he was basically saying, "so like r we gonna date??"
he began a speech about how incredible I am. It was very intense. I was honestly expecting an"I love you" at any moment.
a rush of
ran through my entire body.
I somehow managed to get him to leave, after very politely making an excuse, some bullshit about how I can't be in a relationship right now.
He was bummed, to say the very least.
I somehow managed to get him to leave, after very politely making an excuse, some bullshit about how I can't be in a relationship right now.
He was bummed, to say the very least.
Anyways, I spent 14 hours with this guy, more or less.
his tongue was in my mouth.
he slept in my bed.
and you know what?
sometimes when I'm on campus and I see a guy who looks mildly familiar, I have no idea whether it's him or if it's someone else I met a while ago. I legitimately do not remember what he looks like, despite the fact that I was sober for the vast majority of the time we spent together.
and that, my friends, is one of many reasons that I fear I might be missing a part of my brain.
Part 3: Fangirl Gif Analysis
Gina sits at her desk with her 2015 MacBook Pro in front of her, and her brand new iPhone 8. She's been at the desk for seven hours now, enjoying her very favorite hobby: making gifs of the Twilight movies. A single tear runs down her cheek, as she watches New Moon for the fourth time this week and creates a GIF of Edward telling Bella that he is leaving.
"Swirly font," she says. "swirly font will make this more romantic."
so what does she do? She adds a quote, in swirly font, of course.
"a filter," she says. "A filter will make this even better."
and she adds a filter.
And boy, wats she right. After adding the swirly font and the filter, the emotions overtook her as she watched (again, for the FOURTH time this week) Edward leave Bella. The single tear that she had shed turned to three. That's right, her tear count tripled.
Damn, Gina. You talented little bastard.
Finally finished with her nineteenth GIF of the day, she posts all of them on Tumblr.
For you.
For me.
For us.
For the Twilight fangirls to set as their desktop pictures.
Now I am going to analyze some fangirl-made GIF masterpieces, and make a guess about who must be behind such a GIF, as well as what she must be like.
"Swirly font," she says. "swirly font will make this more romantic."
so what does she do? She adds a quote, in swirly font, of course.
"a filter," she says. "A filter will make this even better."
and she adds a filter.
And boy, wats she right. After adding the swirly font and the filter, the emotions overtook her as she watched (again, for the FOURTH time this week) Edward leave Bella. The single tear that she had shed turned to three. That's right, her tear count tripled.
Damn, Gina. You talented little bastard.
Finally finished with her nineteenth GIF of the day, she posts all of them on Tumblr.
For you.
For me.
For us.
For the Twilight fangirls to set as their desktop pictures.
Now I am going to analyze some fangirl-made GIF masterpieces, and make a guess about who must be behind such a GIF, as well as what she must be like.
1) "Edward's little smile."
Sara Norris is fourteen years old and she used to spend roughly 96.736% of her time on her mom's laptop, adding to her Tumblr blog (JustTwilightThings, apparently), and salivating profusely every time she came across an image of her beloved Edward Cullen. Notice I said used to. You see, Sara's mother walked into her room one day, where Sara was staring at the laptop screen so intently that she didn't even notice her mother's entrance.. and she definitely didn't know that her mother saw the Twilight reenactment fanfiction porno playing on the computer screen. Long story short, Sara is now only allowed one hour per day on her mother's laptop... supervised.
Sara Norris is fourteen years old and she used to spend roughly 96.736% of her time on her mom's laptop, adding to her Tumblr blog (JustTwilightThings, apparently), and salivating profusely every time she came across an image of her beloved Edward Cullen. Notice I said used to. You see, Sara's mother walked into her room one day, where Sara was staring at the laptop screen so intently that she didn't even notice her mother's entrance.. and she definitely didn't know that her mother saw the Twilight reenactment fanfiction porno playing on the computer screen. Long story short, Sara is now only allowed one hour per day on her mother's laptop... supervised.
2) "Only a vampire can love you forever"
Christine is seventeen years old and has never really had many friends. Some say it's because she doesn't shower (c'mon now, that would take away from her precious Tumblr time!), but her mom, her dad, her therapist, and her ex best friend Trisha all agree that it's because she doesn't ever talk about anything besides Twilight.
She spends all day at school zoning out and thinking about how she wants to fall in love with a vampire, too. She knows that vampires exist, because Chad McWicker from her Spanish class has perfect swishy hair (so perfect that it could only belong to an immortal being), and he gives her a look that scares her sometimes, so the only logical answer is that he wishes to suck her blood.
Christine is seventeen years old and has never really had many friends. Some say it's because she doesn't shower (c'mon now, that would take away from her precious Tumblr time!), but her mom, her dad, her therapist, and her ex best friend Trisha all agree that it's because she doesn't ever talk about anything besides Twilight.
She spends all day at school zoning out and thinking about how she wants to fall in love with a vampire, too. She knows that vampires exist, because Chad McWicker from her Spanish class has perfect swishy hair (so perfect that it could only belong to an immortal being), and he gives her a look that scares her sometimes, so the only logical answer is that he wishes to suck her blood.
3) Robert Pattinson looks up at us seductively
Mackenzie. . .oh, Mackenzie. She's 12 years old, and upon viewing Twilight for the first time, she had a sexual awakening (thanks to Edward Cullen). She didn't know how to deal with the urges she felt, so she did what any sexually-frustrated adolescent would do: she turned to Tumblr. She began to create GIFs such as the one above, and she watches this one over and over every night until she falls asleep. She often imagines their life together; they would live together in the Cullen family's mansion, and they would name their daughter Spearmint. Why? I don't know, you should ask her. (And while you're at it, maybe try to convince her not to? That poor girl is going to have to write that name on her resume for the rest of her life.)
well, it's time for me to leave you. But PLEEEASE submit stories because I SPENT 2.5 HOURS ON THIS AND I DESERVE IT OKAY?
I love u so much it hurts me 2 say goodbye 2 u but I have 2.
Mackenzie. . .oh, Mackenzie. She's 12 years old, and upon viewing Twilight for the first time, she had a sexual awakening (thanks to Edward Cullen). She didn't know how to deal with the urges she felt, so she did what any sexually-frustrated adolescent would do: she turned to Tumblr. She began to create GIFs such as the one above, and she watches this one over and over every night until she falls asleep. She often imagines their life together; they would live together in the Cullen family's mansion, and they would name their daughter Spearmint. Why? I don't know, you should ask her. (And while you're at it, maybe try to convince her not to? That poor girl is going to have to write that name on her resume for the rest of her life.)
well, it's time for me to leave you. But PLEEEASE submit stories because I SPENT 2.5 HOURS ON THIS AND I DESERVE IT OKAY?
I love u so much it hurts me 2 say goodbye 2 u but I have 2.
but although I am leaving you now, I promise you this: I will be back.
I love you.
I love you.
remember, not IN a blimp, ON a blimp.
xoxo,
mandiiiiieiieeeeieieiiei
Part 1: POETRYPOETRYPOETRYWOW
Your Uncle's Nipple By Mandie
I licked your uncle's nipple,
it tasted like whipped cream;
I slobbered on his areola,
'fore that it was clean.
I licked your uncle's nipple,
it was honestly delicious;
I think your aunt is onto me,
she looks rather suspicious.
I licked your uncle's nipple
'cause he paid me twenty bucks;
I'm pretty sure his daughter saw,
but she gave zero fucks.
I licked your uncle's nipple,
it was the right thing to do;
if my uncle asked you to lick his,
wouldn't you do it, too?
I licked your uncle's nipple,
it tasted like whipped cream;
I slobbered on his areola,
'fore that it was clean.
I licked your uncle's nipple,
it was honestly delicious;
I think your aunt is onto me,
she looks rather suspicious.
I licked your uncle's nipple
'cause he paid me twenty bucks;
I'm pretty sure his daughter saw,
but she gave zero fucks.
I licked your uncle's nipple,
it was the right thing to do;
if my uncle asked you to lick his,
wouldn't you do it, too?
Part 2: Well That Was. . .Moist: A Story Submitted By One of YOU GUYS!
"To get this boy to stop making out with me and get his tongue and saliva elsewhere, the only thing that i could think of was "i need to go get milk" he was so dumbfounded and like wtf that he backed away from me and i fucking pranced away like a gazelle that was being hunted by a cheetah AND SAW ITS ESCAPE. i ran downstairs and out of the house. i legit had to use my shirt to wipe my face."
pArt 3: The Truth Behind Justin Bieber Gifs
I was minding my own business. I twirled a lock of hair around my left index finger as I waded through the depths of Google, my seventeen-pound feline friend rubbing against my right knee and stepping on the "f" key for too many seconds, causing my computer to make an angry "doot doot doot doot" noise. Fascinated by my tabby's newfound ability to type (admittedly unfamiliar) words into the google search box (ffffhaf ffrfff, to be specific), I curiously clicked the "enter" key, and watched the search results appear before my eyes.
"Did you mean Donald Trump in a crotchless catsuit?" asked google.
"Taffy," I said to the purring lump in my lap, "did you mean to type 'Donald Trump in a crotchless catsuit?'"
She looked at me as if I'd just told her that pizza was outlawed in 37 US states.
"I'll take that as a no," I mumbled. So I clicked "search instead for ffffhaf ffrfff, and anxiously clicked on the Google images tab.
What I saw caused every hair on my ladystache to stand up straight. My eyes widened and I heard a gasp escape my open lips. Taffy looked up at me with a devious look in her eyes, knowing what she'd done.
I couldn't move. My eyes were locked on the seemingly infinite number of Justin Bieber GIFs that stared back at me from my computer screen.
"Baby, baby, baby, oh," I spoke softly in a rattled voice. I tried to move my eyes away from the screen, but I simply could not look away from many expressions of America's one and only true hero; The Biebz. I accepted my fate; I had no other option. I knew that it was my duty to interpret his many expressions, and that is what I have done for you today. This was no easy task, my darling readers, but please enjoy the following gifs that I painstakingly deciphered the meanings behind, so that hopefully you will be able to use these GIFs in exactly the way that Mother Earth intended.
"Did you mean Donald Trump in a crotchless catsuit?" asked google.
"Taffy," I said to the purring lump in my lap, "did you mean to type 'Donald Trump in a crotchless catsuit?'"
She looked at me as if I'd just told her that pizza was outlawed in 37 US states.
"I'll take that as a no," I mumbled. So I clicked "search instead for ffffhaf ffrfff, and anxiously clicked on the Google images tab.
What I saw caused every hair on my ladystache to stand up straight. My eyes widened and I heard a gasp escape my open lips. Taffy looked up at me with a devious look in her eyes, knowing what she'd done.
I couldn't move. My eyes were locked on the seemingly infinite number of Justin Bieber GIFs that stared back at me from my computer screen.
"Baby, baby, baby, oh," I spoke softly in a rattled voice. I tried to move my eyes away from the screen, but I simply could not look away from many expressions of America's one and only true hero; The Biebz. I accepted my fate; I had no other option. I knew that it was my duty to interpret his many expressions, and that is what I have done for you today. This was no easy task, my darling readers, but please enjoy the following gifs that I painstakingly deciphered the meanings behind, so that hopefully you will be able to use these GIFs in exactly the way that Mother Earth intended.
In this moment, we watch as Justin's psychic tells him (at his weekly appointment) that he will one day make passionate love to Alex from Wizards of Waverly Place. As you can see, Bieber laughs, thinking that such a statement could only be a joke. And then, in a moment of clarity, he is taken aback by the shocking realization that no, this is not a joke. It was not until this very moment that Justin fully grasped the idea that yes, one day not too far away, he would see Selena Gomez's spotlessly waxed labia. |
In this GIF, Bieber's enchanted gaze can only be explained by his sudden realization that although yes, thick gold chains were going out of style (wait. . .were they ever in style?), his fame and fortune would ensure that it would still be considered socially acceptable for him to wear such accessories. Even in public. |
In this final GIF that I have had the pleasure of interpreting for you (c'mon now, we don't have all day!), Justin sheepishly holds up the answer to the question, "how many baked potatoes do you want with dinner?" clearly Justin wants two, but he can't help his fear that one of this kids in his class will call him a fatty. However, Justin is able to push past his fear, realizing that if someone makes fun of him, he can send one of his bodyguards to quickly and painfully extinguish that bully's existence, |
THANKS FOR READING! Sorry about the infrequency of my posts these days :( Work takes up 717% of my time.
xoxo,
Mandieeeee
xoxo,
Mandieeeee
HI FRIENDS!!!
you know I'd never forget about you, right? Forgive me for taking 4,738,572 years to put this post up. I've been working my ass off (no, really- it's gone now) the past couple weeks, I've been working 7 days a week since may 6th for 8-14 hours a day. To say I've been busy would be an understatement.
BUT I'M HERE NOW AND I LOVE YOU!!!
you know I'd never forget about you, right? Forgive me for taking 4,738,572 years to put this post up. I've been working my ass off (no, really- it's gone now) the past couple weeks, I've been working 7 days a week since may 6th for 8-14 hours a day. To say I've been busy would be an understatement.
BUT I'M HERE NOW AND I LOVE YOU!!!
Part 1: Poetry! Wow!
Crabs by Mandie
My mother's disappointed,
and my father's quite ashamed,
at school the kids refer to me as
"she who must not be named."
My teachers won't make eye contact,
my neighbors lock their doors,
the local grocery store chain
won't let me in their stores.
My grandma won't come over
and my uncle moved away,
when I invite people over
they always say "no way!"
The preschool goes on lockdown
every time I come around,
every time I walk into a room
nobody makes a sound.
I work at a new seafood place,
on Tuesdays there's free crab,
many people go there
to get all that they can grab.
This new delicious seafood place
is called Fritterman's and Lidd's,
and the slogan on my uniform's
"I'll give crabs to you and your kids!"
My mother's disappointed,
and my father's quite ashamed,
at school the kids refer to me as
"she who must not be named."
My teachers won't make eye contact,
my neighbors lock their doors,
the local grocery store chain
won't let me in their stores.
My grandma won't come over
and my uncle moved away,
when I invite people over
they always say "no way!"
The preschool goes on lockdown
every time I come around,
every time I walk into a room
nobody makes a sound.
I work at a new seafood place,
on Tuesdays there's free crab,
many people go there
to get all that they can grab.
This new delicious seafood place
is called Fritterman's and Lidd's,
and the slogan on my uniform's
"I'll give crabs to you and your kids!"
Part 2: Conversations with/stories From hooters customers
1) •40-something year-old guy: "I'm a high school P.E. teacher, and I'm very close with a lot of my students. Some of them tell me absolutely everything. . .everything. Two freshmen were telling me that a few days before, they had lost their virginities to each other. When they were planning this, they wanted it to be special. . .they wanted to get it on video.
•Me: "Oh my god. . ."
•Guy: "Yep. So, what would any logical person do in this situation?"
•Me: "Set up a tripod?"
•Guy: "Nope, they wanted a person to do it so that they could film it from different angles throughout the video. . .they wanted it to be special.
•Me: "They sound special. But I don't know, ask a friend to do it?"
•Guy: "Nope. They paid a homeless guy fifty bucks to do it."
•Me: "Oh my god. . ."
•Guy: "Yep. So, what would any logical person do in this situation?"
•Me: "Set up a tripod?"
•Guy: "Nope, they wanted a person to do it so that they could film it from different angles throughout the video. . .they wanted it to be special.
•Me: "They sound special. But I don't know, ask a friend to do it?"
•Guy: "Nope. They paid a homeless guy fifty bucks to do it."
2) •40-something year-old guy: "What do you want to do after college?"
•Me: "I think if I don't go into hair and makeup, I'll probably become a couples therapist or something."
•Him: "I don't believe in that therapy bullshit. If your relationship is shitty, just break up."
•Me: "wait you said earlier that you're married. . .where's your ring?"
•Him: "I don't feel like I need it. I don't need a ring to prove my love to myself or my wife."
10 minutes later, he showed me pictures of the 23-year-old that he fucks every time he goes on business trips.
3) •creepy old dude who comes in every day: “do you have a boyfriend?”
•Me: “nope.”
•Him: “So you’re a virgin??”
•Me: “nope.”
•Him: “So you’re a virgin??”
4) •Me: “Hi! Are you ready to order or did you need a few more minutes?”
•40ish-year-old dued “you’re looking at me with those bedroom eyes. . .”
•Me: *blank stare*
•40ish-year-old dued “you’re looking at me with those bedroom eyes. . .”
•Me: *blank stare*
5) I can't emotionally handle the following story. It just happened yesterday at 10:30pm.
*note: I had just gotten off of work after a 12-hour shift, and I was sitting on a bench in the front of the store. At the Hooters I work at, when you walk through the front door, there is a little room with a bench and then you have to open another door to get in the actual restaurant. I always sit in there when I'm waiting for my dad to pick me up (RIP the days I had a car), because it's a sketchy area and guys are super creepy and have been known to wait outside for the girls to leave the store. In fact, the one time I went outside too early, an old guy walked up to me, squeezed my shoulder, and said "you are so pretty." NO THANKS PLEASE STOP. But that's beside the point.
Anyways, on this particular day I was sitting on that bench and a customer I vaguely recognized (he comes in like 2x a week) walked in. He's probably in his mid-thirties, has quite the beer belly, and a strangely round head. I didn't know his name or anything, but I served him once and he seemed extremely overly friendly, but I figured he was like that with everyone. Here's what occurred when he saw me on the bench:
•Him: "MANDIE! Oh my god it's been so long! You look good! How are you?"
*note: I had been his waitress less than a week ago*
•Me: "Good thanks, you?"
•Him: "I'm great! Better since seeing you. . ." He continued to babble endlessly but I honestly wasn't paying attention to what he was saying, I was tired and just wanted to go home.
• Him: "Well, it was so nice to see you." *leans in for a hug, I attempt an awkward side hug, as I am very uncomfortable hugging people I don't know, but he wraps his arms around me, hugs me, AND KISSES MY TEMPLE. CAN YOU NOT??? I wanted to say something and tell him that that's not okay and completely inappropriate, but I was honestly too uncomfortable and I just sat there with a blank expression.
•Him: "can I get your number so we can hang out sometime?"
•Me: "no."
•Him: "oh, okay, I get it you don't give your number to people, okay!" he continued babbling but finally left when he realized I was very much disinterested.
*note: I had just gotten off of work after a 12-hour shift, and I was sitting on a bench in the front of the store. At the Hooters I work at, when you walk through the front door, there is a little room with a bench and then you have to open another door to get in the actual restaurant. I always sit in there when I'm waiting for my dad to pick me up (RIP the days I had a car), because it's a sketchy area and guys are super creepy and have been known to wait outside for the girls to leave the store. In fact, the one time I went outside too early, an old guy walked up to me, squeezed my shoulder, and said "you are so pretty." NO THANKS PLEASE STOP. But that's beside the point.
Anyways, on this particular day I was sitting on that bench and a customer I vaguely recognized (he comes in like 2x a week) walked in. He's probably in his mid-thirties, has quite the beer belly, and a strangely round head. I didn't know his name or anything, but I served him once and he seemed extremely overly friendly, but I figured he was like that with everyone. Here's what occurred when he saw me on the bench:
•Him: "MANDIE! Oh my god it's been so long! You look good! How are you?"
*note: I had been his waitress less than a week ago*
•Me: "Good thanks, you?"
•Him: "I'm great! Better since seeing you. . ." He continued to babble endlessly but I honestly wasn't paying attention to what he was saying, I was tired and just wanted to go home.
• Him: "Well, it was so nice to see you." *leans in for a hug, I attempt an awkward side hug, as I am very uncomfortable hugging people I don't know, but he wraps his arms around me, hugs me, AND KISSES MY TEMPLE. CAN YOU NOT??? I wanted to say something and tell him that that's not okay and completely inappropriate, but I was honestly too uncomfortable and I just sat there with a blank expression.
•Him: "can I get your number so we can hang out sometime?"
•Me: "no."
•Him: "oh, okay, I get it you don't give your number to people, okay!" he continued babbling but finally left when he realized I was very much disinterested.
Part 3: You're all whores.
you're all whores.
but
but
Thanks for reading, sorry for slacking!!! Please don't forget to send in stories via text or email ([email protected]) :)
Luv yew,
and remember, not in a blimp, on a blimp.
xoxo,
Mandie
Luv yew,
and remember, not in a blimp, on a blimp.
xoxo,
Mandie
btw,
FRIENDS
PLEASE DON'T HATE ME
I'm sorry for slacking. I love you!! But I had finals and now I'm working (aka pushing my tits up to my neck, pulling my shorts up my ass, and flirting with old guys) 45 hours a week and HOLY FUCKIN SHIZ I have zero time for anything!!!
I will try my very best to get something up at least once per week from now on.
Thanks for understanding <333333
Now,
without further ado-
LEZZZZGGOOOOO BITCHEZZZZ!!!!!
PLEASE DON'T HATE ME
I'm sorry for slacking. I love you!! But I had finals and now I'm working (aka pushing my tits up to my neck, pulling my shorts up my ass, and flirting with old guys) 45 hours a week and HOLY FUCKIN SHIZ I have zero time for anything!!!
I will try my very best to get something up at least once per week from now on.
Thanks for understanding <333333
Now,
without further ado-
LEZZZZGGOOOOO BITCHEZZZZ!!!!!
Part 1: Poetry, of course!!
Open Window by Mandie
I saw you doing homework
you looked very cute, but stressed.
I saw you smile joyfully
the day you passed that test.
I saw you eating crackers,
but I couldn't tell what kind,
I watched you adjust your ballsack,
but I knew you wouldn't mind.
I saw you itch your nipple
on a rainy afternoon,
I watched you whistle happily,
though I'm not sure what tune.
I watched you fuck Savannah
and Patricia and Clarice,
I watched you finger Jessica,
your soccer coach's niece.
I watched you change your bedding
after that one crazy night,
I see you every evening
until you turn off the light.
I watched you take a sponge bath
one time when your leg was broken,
it was really quite arousing;
I'm glad you leave your window open.
I saw you doing homework
you looked very cute, but stressed.
I saw you smile joyfully
the day you passed that test.
I saw you eating crackers,
but I couldn't tell what kind,
I watched you adjust your ballsack,
but I knew you wouldn't mind.
I saw you itch your nipple
on a rainy afternoon,
I watched you whistle happily,
though I'm not sure what tune.
I watched you fuck Savannah
and Patricia and Clarice,
I watched you finger Jessica,
your soccer coach's niece.
I watched you change your bedding
after that one crazy night,
I see you every evening
until you turn off the light.
I watched you take a sponge bath
one time when your leg was broken,
it was really quite arousing;
I'm glad you leave your window open.
Part 2: An Story Submitted Anonymously by One of YOU Guys!!
"I was invited on a night hike by my friend, let's call her Lindsay. She said it would be the two of us and two guys from high school that didn't know very well.
We all met up at one of the guys' houses and they seemed cool. Lindsay has a boyfriend so I figured we were all just hanging out as friends.
Our hike was going well, but when we reach the top, one of the guys steps back and says, "alright, Lindsay and I are gonna go down the hill now, bye!" He picks her up and runs down the hill, leaving me with this other guy.
It was becoming pretty clear to me that his friend had wanted to set us up. . .but I really was not attracted to him. As we walk down the hill, he keeps saying things like "the stars look so beautiful tonight" and "I'm such a hopeless romantic" and other bullshit. He also offered to let me hold his flashlight with him so we would be almost holding hands. . .no thanks. . .
So I'm like okay I need to make him less attracted to me.
So I say one of the grossest things I could have told him: "you know, one time I had a fungus on my collarbone."
He was like, "uhhh okay."
But this was not enough for me. I had to keep going because I wanted to be certain he thought I was gross. So I say, "yeah, it was a rare fungus and I had to get an ointment."
Needless to say, my plan was a success. Mentioning ointment always does the trick."
We all met up at one of the guys' houses and they seemed cool. Lindsay has a boyfriend so I figured we were all just hanging out as friends.
Our hike was going well, but when we reach the top, one of the guys steps back and says, "alright, Lindsay and I are gonna go down the hill now, bye!" He picks her up and runs down the hill, leaving me with this other guy.
It was becoming pretty clear to me that his friend had wanted to set us up. . .but I really was not attracted to him. As we walk down the hill, he keeps saying things like "the stars look so beautiful tonight" and "I'm such a hopeless romantic" and other bullshit. He also offered to let me hold his flashlight with him so we would be almost holding hands. . .no thanks. . .
So I'm like okay I need to make him less attracted to me.
So I say one of the grossest things I could have told him: "you know, one time I had a fungus on my collarbone."
He was like, "uhhh okay."
But this was not enough for me. I had to keep going because I wanted to be certain he thought I was gross. So I say, "yeah, it was a rare fungus and I had to get an ointment."
Needless to say, my plan was a success. Mentioning ointment always does the trick."
Part 4: Oh my god my aunt told me the best awkward date story E V E R.
"When I was in high school, my brother set me up with his friend from school. I talked to him on the phone and he seemed nice, so I agreed to go on a date with him.
He picked me up at my house to take me to dinner, and the second I opened the car door and saw him, I knew that I was not at all attracted to him. But I figured I'd put on a smile and get through the date, he seemed pretty nice.
On the way to dinner, he held my hand in my lap the whole time and started petting my knee. I was uncomfortable– I'd just met this guy!– but I didn't do anything about it. So he continued to hold my hand and pet my knee. In fact, he was paying so much attention to his knee-petting that he drove up onto the median in the middle of the road. . .you know, the divider in the between the sides of the road with plants on it.
Once we got to dinner, he was very odd. He was clearly very interested in me and I just didn't feel the same way. But I got through it and continued the date. We went to a movie, and he held my hand in his lap. About midway into the movie, HE STARTED SUCKING ON MY FINGERS. He kept saying, "do you like that? You like that, don't you?" I was so creeped out. After the movie, he asked me to come over, but I told him I had a homework assignment and had him take me home. He called me for weeks after that.
I told my brother that he could never set me up with anyone ever again."
He picked me up at my house to take me to dinner, and the second I opened the car door and saw him, I knew that I was not at all attracted to him. But I figured I'd put on a smile and get through the date, he seemed pretty nice.
On the way to dinner, he held my hand in my lap the whole time and started petting my knee. I was uncomfortable– I'd just met this guy!– but I didn't do anything about it. So he continued to hold my hand and pet my knee. In fact, he was paying so much attention to his knee-petting that he drove up onto the median in the middle of the road. . .you know, the divider in the between the sides of the road with plants on it.
Once we got to dinner, he was very odd. He was clearly very interested in me and I just didn't feel the same way. But I got through it and continued the date. We went to a movie, and he held my hand in his lap. About midway into the movie, HE STARTED SUCKING ON MY FINGERS. He kept saying, "do you like that? You like that, don't you?" I was so creeped out. After the movie, he asked me to come over, but I told him I had a homework assignment and had him take me home. He called me for weeks after that.
I told my brother that he could never set me up with anyone ever again."
I'm sorry this post is short, I just really wanted to get something up for you guys since it's been so long.
I'll have a better post up as soon as I find time!!!
Working at Hooters is seriously so fun though, I already have some fabulous stories to post for y'all (I said y'all bc I work at a fried chicken place nd therefore I am southern).
Bye for now!
But remember– not IN a blimp, ON a blimp.
xoxo,
mandieeeeeee
sup bros n' hoes
how are you on this fine day?
no really, tell me:
how are you on this fine day?
no really, tell me:
Aaaannnnyyyywaaaayyyyyy,
let's get down to it
Part 1: Poetry ur welcome
Mr Paloo by Mandie
I have a huge crush on Mr. Paloo
he's four-foot seven inches and dies his hair blue.
He always wears sandals and has wonky toes,
I don't really know why, but I'm so into those.
One time he walked by me when I was in class,
and I just couldn't help but notice that ass.
It was perfectly bouncy and wonderfully round,
I nearly passed out and fell onto the ground.
I've stalked him on Facebook, his mom's name is Meg,
she's impressively sporty for having one leg.
His sister's Coleen and his brother's named Stew,
I can't wait to give them a little nephew.
Today Mr. Paloo looked at me and said,
"are you ok? something wrong with your head?"
I said, "no Mr. Paloo, I'm sure not okay,
you must take care of me for the whole day."
He said, "Lucy you should go home to bed,"
"Only if you come with me," I said.
He looked at me horrified, he looked kinda mad,
"Lucy, you're seven. I'm calling your dad."
I have a huge crush on Mr. Paloo
he's four-foot seven inches and dies his hair blue.
He always wears sandals and has wonky toes,
I don't really know why, but I'm so into those.
One time he walked by me when I was in class,
and I just couldn't help but notice that ass.
It was perfectly bouncy and wonderfully round,
I nearly passed out and fell onto the ground.
I've stalked him on Facebook, his mom's name is Meg,
she's impressively sporty for having one leg.
His sister's Coleen and his brother's named Stew,
I can't wait to give them a little nephew.
Today Mr. Paloo looked at me and said,
"are you ok? something wrong with your head?"
I said, "no Mr. Paloo, I'm sure not okay,
you must take care of me for the whole day."
He said, "Lucy you should go home to bed,"
"Only if you come with me," I said.
He looked at me horrified, he looked kinda mad,
"Lucy, you're seven. I'm calling your dad."
Part 2: Go Home Amazon, You're Drunk
Before I begin this segment, I need you to understand exactly how much I went through to put this together. In order to discover the oddities that lay deep within the depths of amazon, I had to type in some WEIRD ASS SHIT into the search bar. And LET ME JUST TELL YOU: it was terrifying. My once innocent eyes will never be the same. And one time I accidentally clicked on rollerskating porn on Reddit while browsing. What I'm trying to say is that I've seen horrors in my life that you cannot possibly imagine, and yet somehow, trying to find odd things on Amazon led me to view things that even I was almost unable to handle. So ladies, gentlemen, and whatever genderless beings may read this "blog," I urge you not to look up weird shit on Amazon in an effort to entertain the 60-or-so people that read your online rambles. To save you all from the horror that I endured, I have chosen my favorite "what-the-fuck" items that I found on Amazon.
First of all, to give you an understanding of just how strange a place the Amazon search bar can be, THIS is what the first suggestions were when I typed "life size" into the search bar:
First of all, to give you an understanding of just how strange a place the Amazon search bar can be, THIS is what the first suggestions were when I typed "life size" into the search bar:
WHAT? W H A T ? WHY THO? DEAR GOD WHY ARE PEOPLE SHOPPING FOR 'LIFE SIZE SEX BUTT' ON AMAZON? I'M NOT OKAY WITH THAT.
Once I finished talking to my therapist about my confusion around why people have the desire to buy a 'life size Harambe,' I decided that I must continue my journey. It is, after all, my duty to provide you with quality (I use that word loosely) entertainment, and I knew that I had to go on. So I did. And when I found the courage within myself to click 'search,' I found something that I think we all need.
Once I finished talking to my therapist about my confusion around why people have the desire to buy a 'life size Harambe,' I decided that I must continue my journey. It is, after all, my duty to provide you with quality (I use that word loosely) entertainment, and I knew that I had to go on. So I did. And when I found the courage within myself to click 'search,' I found something that I think we all need.
Dudes!! It's A LIFE SIZE ALLOSAURUS. What else could you possibly want in the world? I know it's two thousand dollars, but FREE SHIPPING!! I NEEEED IT.
moving on. . .
moving on. . .
I'm not in California anymore, guys. It's been an adjustment, but I'm slowly accepting that 60% of the people I meet are really Jesusy and are offended by 99.9% of the (admittedly wildly inappropriate) words that exit my mouth. I was looking for a way to fit in, when I discovered this wonderful Veggie Tales bible cover! It combines my two favorite things: really large, girthy cucumbers, and our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ.
Oh! And speaking of cucumbers. . .
Oh! And speaking of cucumbers. . .
![Picture](/uploads/9/8/4/4/98444082/screen-shot-2017-04-16-at-7-00-14-pm_orig.png)
Okay sorry, I lied a little. It's not a cucumber, but also it sort of is because pickles are cucumbers.
Wow I just had a thought (it happens sometimes, I swear!): You know how all squares are rectangles, but not all rectangles are squares?
Well, all pickles are cucumbers but not all cucumbers are pickles.
Wow. Clemson is lucky to have an intelligent specimen such as myself. I'm really sorry that I wasted your time reading this paragraph. It's really your own fault, what did you expect from a blog called It's cLit? Anyways, this is a yodeling pickle, and that's honestly all I've ever needed.
But cucumbers aren't the only thing on the menu tonight. . .
Wow I just had a thought (it happens sometimes, I swear!): You know how all squares are rectangles, but not all rectangles are squares?
Well, all pickles are cucumbers but not all cucumbers are pickles.
Wow. Clemson is lucky to have an intelligent specimen such as myself. I'm really sorry that I wasted your time reading this paragraph. It's really your own fault, what did you expect from a blog called It's cLit? Anyways, this is a yodeling pickle, and that's honestly all I've ever needed.
But cucumbers aren't the only thing on the menu tonight. . .
Mmm. I'm getting a little hungry just looking at that yummy placenta dish. Mmmm.
Now, I know what you're thinking: "What else could I possibly need?! This list is everything I've ever wanted!"
But you are wrong. As usual.
Let me show you what else you need:
Now, I know what you're thinking: "What else could I possibly need?! This list is everything I've ever wanted!"
But you are wrong. As usual.
Let me show you what else you need:
![Picture](/uploads/9/8/4/4/98444082/screen-shot-2017-04-16-at-7-11-01-pm_orig.png)
The perfect gift for that special someone <3 (Psssst. . .it's not too late to get me a birthday present!)
and finally, fish masks.
Part 3: FISH MASKS!
(so good that they deserve their own segment)
I came across something incredible during my Amazon endeavor: yep, you guessed it– fish masks. Never have I ever been so aroused and so deeply terrified at the same time. Wow I actually need all of these.
Don't be surprised if you find yourself feeling rather moist after viewing these classy-yet-erotic headwear options. Coachella's not over yet (at least I dont think it is . . . idk I don't keep up with the hipster shit)!! Make a statement!!!
Don't be surprised if you find yourself feeling rather moist after viewing these classy-yet-erotic headwear options. Coachella's not over yet (at least I dont think it is . . . idk I don't keep up with the hipster shit)!! Make a statement!!!
That's all for now, kids.
Surely you're relieved, as this post was an emotional rollercoaster of desire, concern, fear, and intense arousal.
I hope your day is as lovely as fish mask #2.
remember, not in a blimp, on a blimp.
xoxo,
Mandie
Hello my darling angel baby princess honey muffins! You look great today.
Well you would, anyway, with a nose job, liposuction, and butt implants.
But that's a discussion for another time
Well you would, anyway, with a nose job, liposuction, and butt implants.
But that's a discussion for another time
Part 1: A PSA
I have an important public service announcement that I THOUGHT went without saying, but apparently you guys are even dumber fucks than I thought.
Wow that was aggressive. Sorry about that. Please don't leave me I love you.
ANYWAY, PSA time.
Guys. Dear lord, I can't believe I even have to say this, but the dumb poems I write on this blog are NOT about me. After my February 15th post (http://itsclit.weebly.com/posts/21516 ) someone asked if I really wear diapers. WHAT. WHAT? WHAT? C'mon people. I feel that it should have been obvious from the line "I'm five-foot-four with massive tits" that this poem could certainly not be about me (for reference, I'm 5'1 and I can't find my boobs anywhere, even with my glasses on). Additionally, the many poems I've written from a guy's point of view seem like a fairly obvious hint that these poems are not about me.
Anyways, I just wanted to clear that up.
I love you guys so much though, even when you're having blonde moments.
Wow that was aggressive. Sorry about that. Please don't leave me I love you.
ANYWAY, PSA time.
Guys. Dear lord, I can't believe I even have to say this, but the dumb poems I write on this blog are NOT about me. After my February 15th post (http://itsclit.weebly.com/posts/21516 ) someone asked if I really wear diapers. WHAT. WHAT? WHAT? C'mon people. I feel that it should have been obvious from the line "I'm five-foot-four with massive tits" that this poem could certainly not be about me (for reference, I'm 5'1 and I can't find my boobs anywhere, even with my glasses on). Additionally, the many poems I've written from a guy's point of view seem like a fairly obvious hint that these poems are not about me.
Anyways, I just wanted to clear that up.
I love you guys so much though, even when you're having blonde moments.
Part 2: Poetry, Duh
Cinderella by Mandie
Sometimes I think I'm Cinderella,
my life's a fairytale,
I'm married to a handsome prince
and every night we rail.
I've never bleached my asshole,
and yet somehow it's perfection,
and every time a boy walks by me
he gets an erection.
I only have one pair of shoes
but I lost one late last night,
I blacked out at the Royal Ball
and woke without the right.
I have a teeny teeny tiny waist
and monstrously huge titties,
all my friends are birds and deer and mice
and rabbits, dogs, and kitties.
Sometimes I think I'm Cinderella,
my life's a fairytale,
only thing is that my darling prince
killed six people; he's in jail.
Sometimes I think I'm Cinderella,
my life's a fairytale,
I'm married to a handsome prince
and every night we rail.
I've never bleached my asshole,
and yet somehow it's perfection,
and every time a boy walks by me
he gets an erection.
I only have one pair of shoes
but I lost one late last night,
I blacked out at the Royal Ball
and woke without the right.
I have a teeny teeny tiny waist
and monstrously huge titties,
all my friends are birds and deer and mice
and rabbits, dogs, and kitties.
Sometimes I think I'm Cinderella,
my life's a fairytale,
only thing is that my darling prince
killed six people; he's in jail.
Part 3: "She's not psycho, She Just Tweets a Lot"
5 Easy Ways to Tell if She's Crazy
You should have listened when you were warned, but you did it; You broke the golden rule: "don't stick your dick in crazy"
Here are some signs that she's a total nutcase. Hopefully even in your state of denial you will realize that I'm right, as per usual.
Here are some signs that she's a total nutcase. Hopefully even in your state of denial you will realize that I'm right, as per usual.
1) She tweets. A lot. Like, A LOT a lot. And they all sound something like the examples I have created below:
• "Times like this really show you who your true friends are"
• "You hurt me. Deeply. What we had was real. But I am a butterfly, and out of my cocoon I flew and I will be better than I was before. And don't you come crawling back to me, because I can fly now."
• "One week until Coachella!"
"6 days till Coachella!!"
"5 days till Coachella!!!"
"4 days till Coachella!!!!"
"3 days till Coachella!!!!"
"2 days till Coachella!!!!!"
"OHMYGOD TOMORROW IS COACHELLA I AM SO EXCITED THAT I AM PEEING
ALL OVER MYSELF AND I CAN'T BREATHE AND OH MY GOD SOMEONE CALL AN
AMBULANCE"
"Wow. today is Coachella. I can't believe today is the day that I get to become one
with the music and revitalize the essence of my soul while surrounded by
friendship and love."
• "Times like this really show you who your true friends are"
• "You hurt me. Deeply. What we had was real. But I am a butterfly, and out of my cocoon I flew and I will be better than I was before. And don't you come crawling back to me, because I can fly now."
• "One week until Coachella!"
"6 days till Coachella!!"
"5 days till Coachella!!!"
"4 days till Coachella!!!!"
"3 days till Coachella!!!!"
"2 days till Coachella!!!!!"
"OHMYGOD TOMORROW IS COACHELLA I AM SO EXCITED THAT I AM PEEING
ALL OVER MYSELF AND I CAN'T BREATHE AND OH MY GOD SOMEONE CALL AN
AMBULANCE"
"Wow. today is Coachella. I can't believe today is the day that I get to become one
with the music and revitalize the essence of my soul while surrounded by
friendship and love."
2) She cries at every movie, including Hannah Montana the Movie and that weird lesbian porno your mom was in.
3) She asks you where you are and accuses you of cheating. . .constantly. So you're gone for two minutes getting the mail? Prepare for this text:
"I thought you loved me. I don't understand how you could do this to me. I gave you my everything. I know that our neighbor has bigger boobs than me, but [your name here], I didn't think that you'd ever do this. I'm locking you out and I'm burning everything you ever gave me. Including the children."
"I thought you loved me. I don't understand how you could do this to me. I gave you my everything. I know that our neighbor has bigger boobs than me, but [your name here], I didn't think that you'd ever do this. I'm locking you out and I'm burning everything you ever gave me. Including the children."
4) You've been together for two weeks and she's pinning Tiffany engagement rings on her Pinterest board. Oh, side note: the title of the board is your name.
5) She’s killed your entire family and keeps saying ‘you’re next.’
Part 4: Funny Stories submitted by YOU GUYS!!
1) "So it's around 2 pm and the football game is at 7, meaning I have five hours till kickoff and I'm already belligerently drunk. How should I approach this situation? Drink some water perhaps? Take a pregame nap? Fuck no. Waters and naps are for pussies and pledges. I was a pledge at the time, but that's not the point dammit. The pregame was going on at the frat house, and my bro Blake and I walked to the dominos to pick up some fat pie. Remember how I told you I was belligerently drunk? Well guess what, I also didn't have my contacts in so I could barely see! This is clearly a recipe for a lit evening. So while we're waiting for our pizza I see a brunette petting a dog that has just walked across the street. "Blake, I'm gonna pick up this chick, take her to the pregame, and smash." Blake scoffed at the notion that I had the balls to pull this off. Little did he know that when I'm drunk my balls are the size of planets. I walk up to this chick and say "hey are you drunk enough for this game yet?" She said no and I proceeded to invite her to the pregame which she attended, and I thought I was hot shit. Well, turns out this girl is uglier than a West Virginia incest baby. I was completely oblivious to this until I woke up the next morning looking at a face that was less attractive than a horse with chlamydia. I don't know if that's a thing but it's painfully accurate nonetheless. The end."
2) “My friend Caitlin and I had lunch today and her roommate is a Chinese exchange student who speaks very little English. A couple weeks ago, Caitlin was like 'Just so you know I have a sore throat and think I'm getting sick! Ugh it's so annoying’ (to her roommate). Her roommate looked at her very excitedly and goes 'Ooooohh that's amazing, very good.’”
That's all for now, folks!
It's been truly cLit.
Thanks for reading.
And remember, not IN a blimp, ON a blimp.
Hugs and kisses (and blowjobs),
Mandie
Friends, romans, crack whores,
lend me your vaginas.
I know what you're thinking: "Fuck! I have a date tonight and I didn't shave my pubes!"
But I also know what else you're thinking: "Did Mandie just attempt to quote Shakespeare?"
Why yes, yes I did.
lend me your vaginas.
I know what you're thinking: "Fuck! I have a date tonight and I didn't shave my pubes!"
But I also know what else you're thinking: "Did Mandie just attempt to quote Shakespeare?"
Why yes, yes I did.
Part 1: Toetry
(get it? Because it's a poem about a toe. omg dude stop laughing so hard. I know I'm hilarious. Sorry. Can't Help it.)
If there's one thing in this world that I love so,
it's my very best friend, my left middle toe.
I've named him Bernard and he's the best friend I've had,
"That's weird and concerning," says my worried dad.
"You don't understand!" I say, "he is the best!"
but no amount of convincing put Dad's fears to rest.
"You need to have friends that are not your toe."
"But Dad! Everyone else at my school is a hoe!"
Bernard won't ever leave me or tell me we're done,
Right when I saw him I knew he was the one.
He joins me whenever I go on a walk,
he never tells me to shut up when I talk.
He never gets mad when I accidentally stub him,
"C'mon dad, get to know him, I just know you'll love him!"
Bernard always naps with me whenever I snooze,
and best of all, he and I always share shoes!
He comes along with me wherever I go,
My very best friend is my left middle toe.
it's my very best friend, my left middle toe.
I've named him Bernard and he's the best friend I've had,
"That's weird and concerning," says my worried dad.
"You don't understand!" I say, "he is the best!"
but no amount of convincing put Dad's fears to rest.
"You need to have friends that are not your toe."
"But Dad! Everyone else at my school is a hoe!"
Bernard won't ever leave me or tell me we're done,
Right when I saw him I knew he was the one.
He joins me whenever I go on a walk,
he never tells me to shut up when I talk.
He never gets mad when I accidentally stub him,
"C'mon dad, get to know him, I just know you'll love him!"
Bernard always naps with me whenever I snooze,
and best of all, he and I always share shoes!
He comes along with me wherever I go,
My very best friend is my left middle toe.
*This is a true story about my dear friend Paige. But it's okay! At least she finally has a friend she's prettier than! . . .almost.
Part 2: Anonymous Awkward Story Submissions
1) After years of teasing and calling me her “best friend” I finally get a chance to score. Being prepared, I slip on my extra strong condom and begin to plow. After 10 minutes it was all over…. Or so I thought. After a small break we begin to fool around a second time. “lets go for round two” she suggests. I tell myself that its fine I don’t have another condom, I just got off and therefore will most definitely last an extended period of time. Four pumps and I knew I was in trouble. Being the clever guy I was, I had an idea “hey lets move positions” a wise old trick. This time it was two pumps when I stopped to explain “no lets do this position instead.” Three positions in a total of 36 seconds and out came the mother load. I try to explain to her that it’s a sprint, not a marathon.
2) I was off to the airport for winter break as I finished up a semester long internship. I get to my flight early and wait patiently in my assigned seat. At this moment I begin to fantasize as everyone does about sitting next to a beautiful woman and totally hitting it off. This day, however, was not fantasy. It was a reality. She was 23, a recent grad from Georgia tech. Blonde tall and perfect. I introduce myself and we begin hit it off immediately. I asked her about her job as she asked about my internship. She pretends to be impressed with my experience and asks if I had any pictures of the project I was working on. I reach for my bag to grab my ipad as all my work photos were on there. Holding it right in front of her I unlock this screen and quickly realize I never exited out of the porn from the night before. And just like that, the remainder of our flight was silent.
Part 3: A List of situations that The following Gif Applies to
The moment I laid eyes on this GIF, I knew that it was applicable to exactly 1.5 shit tons (that's a metric measurement, which can also be written as 1.5 sT.) of situations.
"Wow!" I exclaimed.
"Whoa!" screeched my sister.
"TRUUUUUU!" belted my mom.
"Damn bb dats a lotta situations," said some weird guy who followed me into the bathroom.
Here I shall list some possible situations to which this wonderful GIF applies:
"Wow!" I exclaimed.
"Whoa!" screeched my sister.
"TRUUUUUU!" belted my mom.
"Damn bb dats a lotta situations," said some weird guy who followed me into the bathroom.
Here I shall list some possible situations to which this wonderful GIF applies:
1) When she's sitting down in her underwear and one of her labia pops out
2) "When you take her pants off and the back of her underwear says "I <3 Daddy"
3) When he's going out with his guy friends but u really need summa dat eggplant emoji before he leaves.
4) When you drunkenly text a boy that likes your friend that you're "really good at blowjobs" even though there's no proof. . . sorry about that
5) When you're so into him that you don't care that he's had sex with your mom three times
thanks for reading! I hope you're aroused.
just kidding. we both know you are.
xoxo
-mandieeeeeeeeee