Hey kiddos!! I just uploaded two old ones that weren't on the blog yet, but I uploaded a brand new one earlier today, so go to the home page and scroll down and click on the post called 1/12/17 or just scroll down on this page past the first two posts! Welcome to another installment of IT'S cLIT!! This is cLiterally gonna be the best one yet! Hopefully, anyways. Probably not actually, I just really wanted to use that joke. Please laugh. Are you laughing? Laugh harder. Harder. Faster. Harder. Mmmmm babe ur so big. You make me so w– oh, sorry. I got a little distracted there. Anyways, back to the newsletter. Enjoy! Part 1! - A Poem, As Per Usual Lick My Elbow (a poem BY me, ABOUT me, FOR you.) Lick my elbow, That’s my fetish. Lick my elbow, It makes me wettish. Lick my elbow, That’s all I want, Lick my elbow, Do you like this font? Lick my elbow or I will sue you, Or worse: grab a knife And stab it right through you. Lick my elbow or I’ll make a scene, Lick my elbow, And I’ll make you my queen. Part 2! - How to deal with fuckboys (idea suggested by Paige) Here’s the thing guys: I have this friend named Paige. Unfortunately, she isn’t that intelligent, so it’s important that I humor her when she says dumb shit. For example, she asked me to write a segment on “how to deal with fuckboys.” Of all the people in the entire world, I’m nearly positive that I’m the LEAST capable of dealing with fuckboys. But hey, it’s my job to give the people what they want, and apparently the people want help dealing with fuckboys. I was thinking to myself, “how on earth am I going to write a segment on something that I lack knowledge on?” And then it occurred to me: I must interview a fuckboy…no…I must interview MULTIPLE fuckboys. I have done exactly that (you’re welcome), and have provided you with all the answers to your questions about fuckboys, and how exactly to deal with them. These 3 fuckboys have chosen to remain anonymous, but I promise they’ve had sex with a truly impressive (or concerning) number of females! Anonymous fuckboy #1: 19 years old, Sophomore in college 1) Why are you a fuckboy? I didn’t know I was one. 2) does it concern you that a lot of girls get attached to you after you bang them? how do you deal with their clinginess and what is your method of getting them to stop pestering you with texts about how they love you after you fuck them? move to a different city 3) when you refer to yourself, do you prefer the term “manhoe,” “bag of dicks,” “slut with a dick,” or “HIV positive”? “Slut with a dick” is pretty nice. 4) tits or ass? Definitely ass. 5) most awkward thing that has happened during sex? Other side piece walked in. 6) Fill in the blank: I hate when girls _______. Are obnoxious 7) What’s your body count *declined to answer* 8) any tips for girls to avoid fuckboys? Join bible study 9) if you met the right girl, would you consider a relationship? If so, describe “the right girl” For sure. A cool girl, no drama, can talk, nice butt, kinda smart, does unique shit, kinda indie. Anonymous fuckboy #2: 18 years old, freshman in college 1) Why are you a fuckboy? Because we don’t love these hoes (for the most part) 2) does it concern you that a lot of girls get attached to you after you bang them? how do you deal with their clinginess and what is your method of getting them to stop pestering you with texts about how they love you after you fuck them? absolutely no care whatsoever. I just stop talking to them. 3) when you refer to yourself, do you prefer the term “manhoe,” “bag of dicks,” “slut with a dick,” or “HIV positive”? HIV positive. 4) tits or ass? Ass. 5) most awkward thing that has happened during sex? Squirted on me without any warning 6) Fill in the blank: I hate when girls _______. swear to god they’re Spanish when they’re not (wtf is this a thing???? -Amanda) 7) What’s your body count *declined to answer* 8) any tips for girls to avoid fuckboys? Avoid boys. 9) if you met the right girl, would you consider a relationship? Yeah I had a girl completely blindside me and make me rethink everything. Anonymous fuckboy #3: 18 years old, Freshman in college 1) Why are you a fuckboy? Girls act like they’re all innocent, but secretly fuck your friends. 2) does it concern you that a lot of girls get attached to you after you bang them? how do you deal with their clinginess and what is your method of getting them to stop pestering you with texts about how they love you after you fuck them? It does concern me. I block their number, or ignore them and say I had [sports] practice. 3) when you refer to yourself, do you prefer the term “manhoe,” “bag of dicks,” “slut with a dick,” or “HIV positive”? Manhoe, THOT 4) tits or ass? Depends. 5) most awkward thing that has happened during sex? She tried to put her tongue in my ear. 6) Fill in the blank: I hate when girls _______. Try to get me on roller coasters. 7) What’s your body count Roughly 15. 8) any tips for girls to avoid fuckboys? Ask him to post a picture of you two on social media 9) if you met the right girl, would you consider a relationship? If so, describe “the right girl” Has to go to games and support me, has to be funny, have a cute smile, get along with my mom…and has to be a freak. Part 3! - How to take the perfect picture of your balls Just don’t. Nobody wants to see your balls. Part 4! - How to stop being a hoe Okay so you’re a hoe. Like a massive hoe. Like you haven’t been to a single party at which you haven’t fucked at least 9 of the guys before you got there, and by the time you leave it’s 13. I’m not here to judge. I’m here to help. This is a 4-step program and I’m here to support you the whole way. Step 1) Get checked for herpes- If you don’t have it, WOOOOOO! But hey, if you do, SWEET! It’s like you’re a new member of a really exclusive, itchy, super contagious club! That’s kind of cool, right? But also please don't get your genitals anywhere near me. Thanks love you! Step 2) Buy the black destroyer. https://www.amazon.com/Black-Destroyer-Huge-Dildo-Pounder/dp/B008ATAO7W Step 3) Send me the black destroyer. That wasn’t actually for you, I’m just broke and I can’t afford it so thought maybe you wouldn’t mind buying it for me and sending it my way since I’m taking the time to help you overcome your problem. Thanks! Love you. Also I want a pony, thanks. Step 4) Get some hobbies! Take up knitting, crocheting, and sewing. Start making outfits for your cats. Start making outfits for yourself that MATCH the outfits you make for your cats. There! Problem solved! Nobody will want to have sex with you ever again You’re welcome. Now go buy a vibrator and have a nice life! Tell the kitties I say hello. And I would love matching sweaters for me and Taffy (my baby child kitty cat) if you have some extra time on your hands, which you will, due to the lack of sex and social interaction. Thanks! U da best. Part 5! - awkward stories submitted by you guys <3 because it wouldn’t be cLit! without them!! 1) I was at my boyfriends house meeting his family for the first time. I was really nervous and I really had to pee, but the bathroom was next to the family room with paper thin walls. His entire family (including his grandma) was sitting in the living room and I could hear them talking. Well...then came the horriblepee stage fright and I literally could not pee but I had to go so bad. I was so terrified that his family would hear me peeing and I swear if you had offered me a million dollars to pee in that moment I wouldn't have been able to do it. So I flushed the toilet for effect and walked out of the bathroom. My boyfriend then says,"Let's walk down to the boba place down the road." and I was like "ya sounds great! How far away is it?" (Meanwhile In my head I'm like "FUCK I HAVE TO PEE OR IM GONNA END UP PEEING ALL OVER HIS LIVING ROOM FLOOR AND THATS GONNA BE FAR WORSE THAN THEM HEARING ME PEE.") He tells me that it's less than a mile away and we left. Well that was a lie, because it took 45 minutes to walk there and the entire time I thought I was gonna pee my pants. We finally get there and I'm literally in pain. “UMM I need to go to the bathroom real quick." And he gave me the weirdest lookand goes "didn't you just pee at my house?" And I'm like "OH FUCK" in my head but aloud I go "ya...I just....like drank too much water..." and I run off to the bathroom leaving him utterly confused and finally was able to pee and regain my sanity. 2) Gym boy: the saga Part I ( please wait for future newsletters to read the rest of the saga. Gotta keep you on your toes, ya know?) "Okay so theres a boy that I met at the gym. I thought he was really attractive and everything would have been fine had he not been THE WEIRDEST MOST AWKWARD HUMAN EVER. So first interaction was when we went to his dorm to watch a movie. Error 1) the movie he chose was zombeaver aka a movie about beavers that turned into zombies… Error 2) everything seemed to be going fine until he did the stretch his arms out to put it around me as high key as possible. It’s okay though cus he #tried. So then when the movie ended he was a gentleman and walked me back to my dorm and when we got there I said bye and started to walk off but he grabbed me and gave me a hug which was fine but then Error 3) he grabbed my hair and started making out with me. I had known that guy for one day and I was way too sober for that intense of a makeout with a total stranger. So when I eventually pulled away in fear of someone I know coming in or out of my dorm building he asked what was wrong and if he had protein shake breath. Yeah he’s one of those gym rat protein shake hoes fml.” … TO BE CONTINUED Part 6! - Respond, respond, respond!! Kids! You already know this part! Heck, you’ve probably memorized it by heart. But this is the part of the post in which I tell you to PLEASE, PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY- Email me with suggestions and funny stories! I’ve already planned the murder of those of you who never do! This "blog" is supposed to create our own little community, but we can only do so if you participate. So please, please respond and give me a suggestion, a good joke, a funny meme, an uncomfortable hookup story, literally anything! Help me make IT’S cLIT! cLitter than ever before! Help me entertain you. Please! I want you to see IT’S cLIT! In your inbox and get excited! I want you to see your very own story or segment suggestion in the newsletter and go “Hey! That's mine!!” And get all excited and feel all special.
Please go ahead and comment below anything you have to say about this post :) I love you all! Thanks so much for reading and enjoying. It makes me so happy when you guys tell me how much you love IT’S cLIT! Have a good day, and remember, Not IN a blimp, ON a blimp Yours truly, Mandieeeeeee btw:
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