I read this to my roommate and she asked where I get my inspiration for my poems. Well, yep, you guessed it: I'm running out of toothpaste. Part 2: Awkward hookup stories submitted by YOU GUYS! "While I was having sex with this guy, we had a full conversation about our previous love lives and found out we had the same anniversary. Then we talked about why we had broken up with our respective persons. Then went on to talk about what our parents did for a job and what sports we played in high school. This whole convo went on while we were fucking and would only be interrupted by our drunk asses stopping to moan or say harder. " "So one time at band camp, I met a boy at a party. He bumped into me and knocked my beer out of my hand, so naturally, we started hooking up and I ended up going home with him. We didn't have sex the first night because I was more excited that he had a pet husky than the fact that this hot guy wanted me in his bed. We hung out the next few nights, mostly because I wanted to see Echo, the dog. Eventually we started having sex. I guess from the noises or whatever the dog was freaking out and jumping up on the bed to make sure I was okay. This happened quite often, actually it happened more than it didn't. So the guy yells at the dog and pushes him down and eventually the dog figures out he can just stay on the floor next to the bed and get pet by me and not get yelled at by the guy. One night were in bed, and its great, whatever, the usual, ITS happening. And the guy stops and says to me "I think we technically just had a threesome because Echo licked my ass while I was inside of you." Then we continued about our business and after that, the dog was allowed to lay on the bed as opposed to next to the bed. Nothing like some accidental bestiality to really get your night started" Part 3: Blowjob tips from a REAL MALE HUMAN! Amazing! I've never met one of those. Honestly, after reading these tips, I sort of just want to tell guys that they can suck their own dicks because BITCH DON'T U FUCKING DARE TELL ME TO SWALLOW IF YOU WON'T EVEN KISS ME AFTERWARDS. IF IT'S TOO GROSS TO BE IN YOUR MOUTH THEN IT'S TOO GROSS TO BE IN MINE. But hey, I'm not bitter or anything. Nope. Not even a little. I'm not bitter at all! Nope. Noooope. Definitely not bitter. It's alllll good. Anyways, here are some tips that you should only use on nice boys who always text you back: "Well here are some tips for you women who wondering "Am I doing it right?", chances are that answer is no. 1)FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING YOU HOLD DEAR DONT USE YOUR TEETH. It's not a sandwich it's like large meat popsicle, do you use your teeth when you have a popsicle? No cuz that's weird man. 2)Feel free to focus on the tip. From a male's perspective women just kinda go about bj's just by sticking dick in their mouth and motioning their head. That don't work shawty. Imagine if a guy was eating a girl out but forgot to lick her clit. YEA. That's how it feels, so girls don't forget to tip ;) 3)Use your tongue some. Plain n simple it feels good and every guy likes to watch. Think of it as a tease almost. 4)Don't be weird if he cums in your mouth. Getting weird or angry about cum in your mouth is dumb, just swallow it. It won't kill you. Now if he busts on your face and you told him not to then sure get mad." you're welcum. lol guys I'm hilarious please love me. BTW- this is NOT turning into a sex tips blog, don't worry. He sent me these so I thought It'd be funny to include, but nah bitch here at IT'S cLIT! We focus more on funny stories and terrible poems and shiz. PART 4: Gym boy saga, parts V and VI- the finale Part V **because these submissions are anonymous, the name has been changed in this story. The girl telling this story shall now be called Jill.** "About 3 days after we stopped talking, he walked up to my roommate at the gym and said, "Is Jill okay??" she was like "wait what?" She was super confused, wondering if I had gotten into a car accident or something. Gym boy seemed legitimately concerned for my safety. He simply repeated himself, "Is Jill okay?" She was like, "I think so?...why?" Gym boy: "we haven't been texting." Roomie: "you should text her!" Gym boy: "No like we don't talk anymore." Roomie: "oh...okay..." Gym boy: "So is she okay??" Eventually, roomie put together that he was asking if I was okay, since he was certain my heart must be shattered after our 4-day-long "romance" came to an end. Roomie: "Yeah, she's fine." Gym boy: "Okay, I just had to make sure." *gets up and leaves*" Part VI: The Finale "I saw him again. I was standing with my friends and he was in front of us alone facing the other direction. When he finally turned around and we made eye contact and I realized who it was, I calmly and cooly said hi and asked whats up. He said the same and the interaction would have been fine BUT he then walked towards me, stopped, awkward pause, and put his hand up and we high fived and he walked off. Praying I never see him again." Part 5: A request Please don't forget to send in awkward hookup stories, random funny stories, ideas for segments, funny memes/gifs/pictures, jokes, weird articles, odd quotes, and literally anything else you can think of that would entertain IT'S cLIT! readers!! I have a special request: If any of you have awkward losing-your-virginity stories, I would be SOO excited to receive them and put them into IT'S cLIT! I promise it will be completely anonymous :) You can send in all suggestions and stories to [email protected]. I'm gonna go cuddle with my boyfriend now! Well, never mind then.
ILY ALL. And remember: not IN a blimp, ON a blimp! -Mandie
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