Wussup ladies n gents? Welcome to IT'S cLIT! Where it's always a party. Guess what? The blog has been up for 5 days, and it's gotten 485 views this week by 58 different people! How cool is that? I've always wanted to be famous. I can't believe I've finally reached Kardashian levels of fame :') Amazing. Truly amazing. YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST your stories are so funny that people keep coming back! Thanks so much for all your segment suggestions and hilarious stories. Keep 'em coming! You can submit via the Contact Me/Submit page, or by emailing to [email protected] . The stories are always anonymous, so don't worry about people judging you. I've done a lot of dumb shit and have no right to judge anyone, so you're safe. Anyways, let's get started. Part 1: A PoemI'm Into Ear Stuff: A Poem by Mandie He jizzed in my ear, I'm not quite sure why. And now I can't hear, I really did try. "Why did you do this?" I angrily said. "I had to, I always do ear stuff in bed." I wanted to kick him straight in the balls, but my neighbors might hear, we have really thin walls. I now have an infection, my doctor said "hun, his massive erection has destroyed your eardrum." I sat there, all quiet, a tear on my cheek, my ear could no longer be filled with his seed. I might not be able to hear ever again, but hey its okay because good things must end. Part 2: "Okay, so he came on my tits. Now what?" (Suggested by Tara Butterfield)So he came. On your tits. You're sitting there, his unborn children on your bosom, looking at him with a "what now?" expression. He doesn't want his man juice on him either, so he excuses himself to go grab a drink from the fridge. He comes back, and you're still sitting there, your left nipple dripping onto your leg. You would shower, but your hair and makeup took 6 and a half hours and you're not ready to mess it up yet. Now what? Here's a girls' guide for what to do in this sticky (literally) situation: OPTION 1) Find some peanut butter. Apply peanut butter to the area. Call his dog over. You know what you have to do. OPTION 2) Cry. OPTION 3) Call your mom and ask her what to do. I'm sure she has plenty of experience in this situation. OPTION 4) Ask him what it is. "Whoa dude what is this shit all over my boob? It looks like condensed milk. Will you taste it and check?" OPTION 5) Pray to god and ask jesus (politely! use manners!) for forgiveness. Then, ask them to kill you because there's literally no good way to get out of this situation. OPTION 6) Washcloth with body soap on it. Actually, never mind. That's too much work. Just cry. Let it go. Let it go. The jizz never bothered me anyway. Part 3: Texting terms that need to exist (Suggested by Tara)-ISTIHSWYBBHIHTY: I'm sorry that I had sex with your brother, but he is hotter than you. Example- George: "What the fuck Angela? You had sex with my brother???" Angela: "ISTIHSWYBBHIHTY. . ." -gway: GO AWAY, but shortened because you can't even bother to put the effort into typing the whole thing. Example: Henry: "Hey bb u have such a nice ass like damn." Lucy: "gway" -LOL- lots of licking Example: Kim: "Oh my gosh what did you and Kevin do last night??" Casey: "LOL." -JFKM: just fucking kill me. ex: "my mom just kicked me out of the house because she said 57 is too old to still live at home with ny parents. JFKM." -IBALWYMOWM: I'm bored and lonely, will you make out with me? Example: Lizzie's tinder match: What's up sexy? Lizzie: IBALWYMOWM? -OMG: Oh! Michael's Gay? Example: Jason: "Dude did you see Michael and Tony making out at that insane party last Friday?" Jack: "OMG??!!" Part 4: Awkward Hookup Stories- Submitted by YOU GUYS!!Thanks so much for your submissions!!! I got quite a few yesterday, so if yours isn't in here, don't fret! It'll sure as hell be in there tomorrow :) They were all so good that I wanted to spread them out a bit. You guys are the actual best. Thanks so much. Please keep submitting!! It's so fun! 1) FUNCTION BOY, THE SAGA: PART I: "Wazzzuuppp its cLIT readers :’) I have a special story to share with you all. This is just small part of a larger saga involving a former function date. This took place on the actual evening of the function while I was borderline blackout along with my date. After getting off the wrong bus stop to get home, BOY and I finally make it back and naturally, I started chugging beers when I arrived home to keep the drunkenness going. BOY was horny af, so we quickly make our way to the bedroom. We ~do it~ (it was a mediocre dickin) then we start chatting about dogs (a personal fave topic of mine) then we start getting down again. And since I was hammered af, I was feeling generous and went to give him a BJ. Now I NEVER give head because tbh it hurts my neck :/ but drunk me was like WHY TF NOT. SOOOOO I head on down south and LITERALLY AS SOON AS I MAKE CONTACT WITH THE PENIS HE FINISHES. THE BJ TOOK LEGITEMATLEY .07 SECONDS FOR HIM TO FINISH. While I like to tell myself that its because I’m so hot, its probably because he had very little sexual experience as evidence by his very average dickin abilities and general lack of knowledge of the female. I looked up and started laughing but BOY looked like he was about to cry. I appreciated that I literally had to do nothing, but he was embarrassed he finished so quickly. Anywayyyyys that’s the story about the easiest blowjob I have ever given.: 2) "I had the good fortune to spend my summer worry–free in a house of my own with my best friend since 1st grade. Naturally, the search for friends of the beneficial kind began as soon as possible. Eventually I met a girl, and after many text messages and dysfunctional attempts to get together and do the deed, we were getting desperate. Her parents were staying at her house, so we threw down some blueprints, devised a plan, stopped thinking completely and decided she would sneak me in at night. I arrive at her house, park on the street and creep around back where we said we would meet. Champ that she was, she had a hammock and a bottle of wine. We killed an hour or so talking and fighting about how wine is nasty (it is), and shushing each other every time we heard a noise in the house. We decided it was time to make our move and started to creep through the door, the living room, up the stairs, down the hallway, and finally into her room. Safe. Undetected. 3 AM, the festivities are still in full swing. No clothes were permitted by this time, and we figured we had completely gotten away with everything. We thought we were completely safe until the moment her mom opened her bedroom door and made eye contact with her naked daughter and the equally naked guy going down on her. We all just looked at each other and shared that sacred moment. There we all stayed, in absolute silence until her mom (maintaining predatory eye contact) took a single step backwards and closed the door. After that I did what anyone in that situation would have done; got back in there for a bit, thanked her for probably the best story I have, and skirted the fuck out of there at 5 in the morning. I never saw or met her mom and to this day she’s never brought it up to her daughter. I don’t expect to be invited back…" Much love!! Please submit your awkward stories, something stupid you did/said drunk, any topics you would like "tips" on, dumb shit you did in middle school, and literally anything mildly entertaining.
SO much love! Remember, not IN a blimp, ON a blimp. -Mandie
2 Comments
monica
1/20/2017 12:48:15 pm
when i have an 8 am and am early this is my first go to. thank u this is great btw
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Mandie
1/20/2017 12:53:21 pm
❤️❤️
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