The blog is back so grab a snack, and sit and read it on your Mac. Don't do crack, don't stare at my rack, just read the blog 'cause it's back on track!! HELLO MY DARLING PRINCESS HONEY MUFFIN ANGEL BABIES I have 3 quizzes and 2 tests this week, but instead of studying, I'm writing this. |
Your Mother Has a Freckle by Mandie Your mother has a freckle, I cannot tell you where, you may think that I'm a lying douche, but trust me, it is there. Your mother has a freckle, it is small and brown and round, it was strange because it was somewhere freckles should not be found. your mother has a freckle, and I think that you should know: I licked your mother's freckle, I promise she liked it, though. Your mother has a freckle, and I'll see it more tonight, whether she will tell you where it is, I don't know, but she might! I can't wait to see that freckle, I'll see it at 9 o'clock, I will see your mother's freckle and your mom will see my. . . um. . .face? |
Part 2: Fuck, Marry, Kill, Adopt!
Please read the following descriptions of Emma, Rex, Eloise, and Richard. Then, choose which of them you'd like to ride reverse cowgirl style (or which you'd like to be on top of you) , which you'd like to see at the end when you walk down the aisle, which you'd like to brutally murder, and finally, which of them you would like to adopt as your child.
Emma
Emma is a 23-year-old gal from a town in Iowa that is so miniscule that it doesn’t even have a name. She moved to New York City at the age of 20, to pursue her dream of finding $56 on the ground (her friend Amy went to New York City in high school, and while she was shopping, she found $56 cash under a bench!). Emma fell in love with the city, and believes she will live there for the rest of her life (or at least until she finds $56 cash under a bench).
She makes a good living as the manager of her local “CandleYouStop?”, a widely popular candle outlet. She puts most of her money into savings, but she keeps a little bit of money from each paycheck so that she can splurge on weekends, when she gets plastered at “BARk”, a dog-friendly sports bar in the area. She goes with her three best friends; Zara, Sara, and Sarah, and of course Clyde, her beagle, whom she pushes in a stroller.
As far as dating goes, she isn’t picky, these are her only requirements:
Oddly enough, Emma’s never had a boyfriend. Could you be her first?
Rex
Rex is a 27-year-old British criminal defense attorney, though his true passion is cactus. He’s a 6’4 blonde with big blue eyes, washboard abs, and a Gucci leather jacket. He grew up in Manchester, but moved to Kansas when he was 16. His earnings as an attorney combined with a hefty inheritance from his grandparents have made him quite wealthy, yet the only shoes he wears are Crocs. . .even with a suit.
Rex’s legal name is Kevin, but once his bank account hit 7 figures, he decided that a cooler name was in order. If you value your life, do NOT call him Kevin.
Rex’s passion for cactus often gets in the way of his career goals, but he refuses to quit his career as an attorney until he can afford to open an endangered cactus sanctuary.
Rex is into women who are tall, curvaceous, into weird BDSM shit, and of course, they must share his passion for cactus.
Could you be his next lover?
Eloise
Eloise is a 24-year-old seventh-year senior at Arizona State University. Born and raised in Arizona, she couldn’t bear to leave. Her hobbies include partying, grinding on sexy brunette guys, standing on the street corner, meeting guys at the club, and making homemade marinara sauce. She’s looking for a guy who’s loving, committed, respectful, and down for the occasional threesome. If you fit the bill, you should hit her up! Her number is written in sharpie on all of the stall doors in every men’s bathroom at ASU.
Richard
Richard is a great guy, but he can be a real dick sometimes. The ladies love him though, because he’s a self-proclaimed “bad boy,” and he’s even had a beer despite the fact that he won’t be 21 for another 3 months. Richard is looking for a “bad girl” because he says, “I need a girl who really vibes with me. Like, I can't be with a chick who’s gonna get in the way of my rebellious stage, ya feel me bro?”
Richard has never been to church, but he tells everyone he’s Christian because he gets gifts for Christmas, and he’s had his Christmas wishlist ready since March. You know what’s on it?
“you.”
He’s a bad boy, he’s smooth as fuck, and he always has a package of Skittles with him. What more could you want in a man? Do you want to taste Richard's rainbow? . . .if you know what I mean (I sure hope you do, because I don't).
Emma is a 23-year-old gal from a town in Iowa that is so miniscule that it doesn’t even have a name. She moved to New York City at the age of 20, to pursue her dream of finding $56 on the ground (her friend Amy went to New York City in high school, and while she was shopping, she found $56 cash under a bench!). Emma fell in love with the city, and believes she will live there for the rest of her life (or at least until she finds $56 cash under a bench).
She makes a good living as the manager of her local “CandleYouStop?”, a widely popular candle outlet. She puts most of her money into savings, but she keeps a little bit of money from each paycheck so that she can splurge on weekends, when she gets plastered at “BARk”, a dog-friendly sports bar in the area. She goes with her three best friends; Zara, Sara, and Sarah, and of course Clyde, her beagle, whom she pushes in a stroller.
As far as dating goes, she isn’t picky, these are her only requirements:
- he has to love her favorite movie, “Minerals Rock!” ( a 4 ½ hour long film about, you guessed it, rocks and minerals!)
- He has to be good at three things: basketball, baking, and toe-sucking
- He has to be a middle-eastern, green-eyed artist who teaches kindergarten and knows how to sew.
- he has to wax his chest at least once per month
Oddly enough, Emma’s never had a boyfriend. Could you be her first?
Rex
Rex is a 27-year-old British criminal defense attorney, though his true passion is cactus. He’s a 6’4 blonde with big blue eyes, washboard abs, and a Gucci leather jacket. He grew up in Manchester, but moved to Kansas when he was 16. His earnings as an attorney combined with a hefty inheritance from his grandparents have made him quite wealthy, yet the only shoes he wears are Crocs. . .even with a suit.
Rex’s legal name is Kevin, but once his bank account hit 7 figures, he decided that a cooler name was in order. If you value your life, do NOT call him Kevin.
Rex’s passion for cactus often gets in the way of his career goals, but he refuses to quit his career as an attorney until he can afford to open an endangered cactus sanctuary.
Rex is into women who are tall, curvaceous, into weird BDSM shit, and of course, they must share his passion for cactus.
Could you be his next lover?
Eloise
Eloise is a 24-year-old seventh-year senior at Arizona State University. Born and raised in Arizona, she couldn’t bear to leave. Her hobbies include partying, grinding on sexy brunette guys, standing on the street corner, meeting guys at the club, and making homemade marinara sauce. She’s looking for a guy who’s loving, committed, respectful, and down for the occasional threesome. If you fit the bill, you should hit her up! Her number is written in sharpie on all of the stall doors in every men’s bathroom at ASU.
Richard
Richard is a great guy, but he can be a real dick sometimes. The ladies love him though, because he’s a self-proclaimed “bad boy,” and he’s even had a beer despite the fact that he won’t be 21 for another 3 months. Richard is looking for a “bad girl” because he says, “I need a girl who really vibes with me. Like, I can't be with a chick who’s gonna get in the way of my rebellious stage, ya feel me bro?”
Richard has never been to church, but he tells everyone he’s Christian because he gets gifts for Christmas, and he’s had his Christmas wishlist ready since March. You know what’s on it?
“you.”
He’s a bad boy, he’s smooth as fuck, and he always has a package of Skittles with him. What more could you want in a man? Do you want to taste Richard's rainbow? . . .if you know what I mean (I sure hope you do, because I don't).
"Did you really just say that??" : a compilation of dumb shit boys have said to Me
some boys shouldn't be allowed to talk. some girls shouldn't be allowed to talk. some people shouldn't be allowed to talk.
Today, I'm focusing on the boys that shouldn't be allowed to talk.
Here are some real things that guys have said to me. Please note that these are all (unfortunately) direct quotes (I've been writing them down in the notes on my phone as guys say them). Here goes: :
Today, I'm focusing on the boys that shouldn't be allowed to talk.
Here are some real things that guys have said to me. Please note that these are all (unfortunately) direct quotes (I've been writing them down in the notes on my phone as guys say them). Here goes: :
1) "I'm the tallest, buffest, nicest guy here."
2) Him: "C'mon let's go dance"
Me: "Nah."
Him: "C'mon just come rub your ass on my dick.
3) Me: "What's Josh* like? Is he a good guy?"
Josh's best friend: "He has a huge dick."
*Name has been changed
4) "I started the Harambe joke. I made a joke about it in my Instagram bio and then it totally blew up"
5) Him: *invites me over to watch a movie*
Me: *arrives at his place*
Him: *turns on the tv*
Me: *Grabs the remote to turn on the movie, which we'd picked ahead of time*
Him: *grabs the remote*
Him: "wanna watch some sexy stuff instead?"
6) "This is my house and you need to drink water."
~A guy who didn't understand that those two statements do not correlate
7) "I want to make love to you. . .platonically."
8) "Six packs aren't even possible. I work out every day and I don't have one. They're not really a thing except for famous people."
9) Me: "can I have a shot of that? Pleeeeassse I'll give you a hug. . ."
Him: "I don't want a hug, why don't you show me what that tongue ring can do."
10) "You're the most interesting of all the girls I'm talking to."
Please do not hesitate to send in dumb shit people (guys or girls) have said to YOU! You can contact me at [email protected] or simply go to the "Contact Me" page on the site. Funny stories, segment suggestions, gifs you want me to include, and anything else amusing you think I might like to put on the blog are SO APPRECIATED!!
and don't forget to leave a comment below :-)
LOVE U
and don't forget!!! – not in a blimp, on a blimp!!
xoxo,
Mandieeeeeeeeeeeeee
LOVE U
and don't forget!!! – not in a blimp, on a blimp!!
xoxo,
Mandieeeeeeeeeeeeee
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