HI FRIENDS IT'S MEEEEEEEE hello from the inside cus its raining and I'm afraid of the outdoors. i wish something interesting happened to me so that i'd have something to tell you, but my life is boring so let's just get to the GOOD SHTUFF!! Part 1: A POEM WOW LUCKY UPart 2: why are those ghosts telling secrets?These are some really, really dumb things (sent in by one of you guys!) said by people who weren't drunk, just really dumb. "I'm learning about when the albinos burned my people and kept them in concentration camps." *someone sends picture of the kkk in a group chat* dumb friend: "wait why are those ghosts telling secrets?" Part 3: 5 Things That Prove That Life Just Isn't Fair |
Questions Do all heroes wear capes? Is your mom free tonight? Does the carpet match the drapes? How come all my jeans are tight? Why do I drool on my pillows? Can my kitten join the army? Do any aliens use dildos? How do Froot Loops taste so yummy? Why are frat boys so horny? Do gorillas jerk off? why is no Disney story 'bout a young boy who's goth? Is foreskin unattractive? Should I adopt a puppy? If I was radioactive, would you risk life to love me? Are Wheat Thins a drug? Do I need these math lessons? I'm not trying to bug, I just have lots of questions. |
Part 2: An Open Letter to Nipple Lickers
Dear every male I've ever hooked up with,
How are you? I hope you're well. I'm sorry to bother you, but I must ask you an important question. This is a question that myself and many of my friends need the answer to, so please, do us a favor and grant me one single wish and then I will leave you alone forever. . .or until I'm plastered and start thinking about you. Anyway, here goes:
WHY why WhY whY why wHy Why whY WHY is nipple licking a thing? Like is this supposed to be enjoyable for me? Or is this just for you? What am I supposed to do while this occurs? Play with your hair? Fake moan? Please help I seriously do not understand. Did you not get adequate nutrition when you were an infant, and perhaps are under the impression that I am lactating and can help you out? Please just be honest, I must know.
I know what you're thinking: "Surely it can't be that hard to figure out what to do while somebody is licking your nipples. It honestly doesn't really even matter."
But gentlemen (okay so none of you are actually gentlemen, but it seems wrong to call you 'vagina-hungry douchebags' when I'm trying to get you to do me a favor), let me explain to you one thing: you lack an understanding of just how severe my case of Nipple-Licking Awkwardness is. Perhaps an example would help illustrate my point? One time, a remarkably beautiful male was licking my nipples during a particularly spicy episode of Bob's Burgers, our go-to hookup entertainment. I felt awkward, as usual, during this experience, and to ease the tension, my brain told me that I must speak to ease the discomfort I felt. There is nothing remotely pleasing to me about having a tongue swirl around my areola, but I felt awkward being all silent. SPEAK! my brain told me, YOU MUST SPEAK!
But what is an appropriate thing to say whilst a handsome frat boy slobbers on your nipple? I did not know.
"Did you get a haircut?" I asked.
It was a mistake. The moment the words left my mouth, I knew I'd fucked up. I hadn't been thinking, my brain just forced the first thought in my head to exit my mouth.
"Shut the fuck up," said the kind gentleman with whom I had the pleasure of fornicating.
Do you see what I have been through? Your advice is not only appreciated, it's desperately, desperately needed.
So please, do me (and every guy I'll ever hook up with in the future) a favor. Tell me, dear god, what on earth am I supposed to do while a male licks my nipples?
Gratefully,
Mandie
How are you? I hope you're well. I'm sorry to bother you, but I must ask you an important question. This is a question that myself and many of my friends need the answer to, so please, do us a favor and grant me one single wish and then I will leave you alone forever. . .or until I'm plastered and start thinking about you. Anyway, here goes:
WHY why WhY whY why wHy Why whY WHY is nipple licking a thing? Like is this supposed to be enjoyable for me? Or is this just for you? What am I supposed to do while this occurs? Play with your hair? Fake moan? Please help I seriously do not understand. Did you not get adequate nutrition when you were an infant, and perhaps are under the impression that I am lactating and can help you out? Please just be honest, I must know.
I know what you're thinking: "Surely it can't be that hard to figure out what to do while somebody is licking your nipples. It honestly doesn't really even matter."
But gentlemen (okay so none of you are actually gentlemen, but it seems wrong to call you 'vagina-hungry douchebags' when I'm trying to get you to do me a favor), let me explain to you one thing: you lack an understanding of just how severe my case of Nipple-Licking Awkwardness is. Perhaps an example would help illustrate my point? One time, a remarkably beautiful male was licking my nipples during a particularly spicy episode of Bob's Burgers, our go-to hookup entertainment. I felt awkward, as usual, during this experience, and to ease the tension, my brain told me that I must speak to ease the discomfort I felt. There is nothing remotely pleasing to me about having a tongue swirl around my areola, but I felt awkward being all silent. SPEAK! my brain told me, YOU MUST SPEAK!
But what is an appropriate thing to say whilst a handsome frat boy slobbers on your nipple? I did not know.
"Did you get a haircut?" I asked.
It was a mistake. The moment the words left my mouth, I knew I'd fucked up. I hadn't been thinking, my brain just forced the first thought in my head to exit my mouth.
"Shut the fuck up," said the kind gentleman with whom I had the pleasure of fornicating.
Do you see what I have been through? Your advice is not only appreciated, it's desperately, desperately needed.
So please, do me (and every guy I'll ever hook up with in the future) a favor. Tell me, dear god, what on earth am I supposed to do while a male licks my nipples?
Gratefully,
Mandie
Part 3: The Never-ending Boy Cycle, Told Through Lilo & Stitch Gifs
1) I meet cute boy
2) I fall madly in lust with cute boy
3) I try to impress him with dat ass
4) Cute boy only wants to bang, and has zero interest in marrying me and having 7 babies
5) I can't emotionally handle it
6) My friends try giving me advice to hopefully save me from my misery
7) My friends realize I'm a lost cause and I'll have to get over it in my own time
8) I get over it and move on
and then the cycle starts all over agin! It's a good time. A GREAT time. The BEST time. Highly recommend!!
Thanks for reading. Luhv yew.
And remember, not IN a blimp, ON a blimp!
-Mandieeeee
and then the cycle starts all over agin! It's a good time. A GREAT time. The BEST time. Highly recommend!!
Thanks for reading. Luhv yew.
And remember, not IN a blimp, ON a blimp!
-Mandieeeee
HI FRIENDS!
Sorry I've been slacking. Unfortunately school is a thing that I have to do. :/
Well, without further ado, here we go!
Sorry I've been slacking. Unfortunately school is a thing that I have to do. :/
Well, without further ado, here we go!
Part 1: A Poem
Acquaintances a poem by Mandie
The receptionist at Planned Parenthood;
she knows me really well.
I've seen her seven times this year,
since I met Danny Mel.
He impregnates me on Tuesdays
in the back of his mom's truck,
the condom's broken every time,
but hey, that's just my luck.
Me and the pharmacist at Target,
we're becoming friends.
I see her sometimes twice a week,
both days on all weekends.
I walk right in there and she hands me
boxes inside bags,
they obviously all contain
ointment that kills crabs.
The gynecologist in Moorpark,
she knows my name too.
She says that I'm all stretched out;
there's nothing she can do.
She recommended kegels
and sex fewer times per day,
I said "fine, but only if
other holes are okay. . ."
The cashier guy at Walmart,
he hides when I come in;
he told me tasting lube before
I buy it is a sin.
"But it's strawberry flavored!
And it tastes just like the fruit!"
I think he thinks I'm kind of weird,
too bad, he's kind of cute.
Your mom, Mrs. Ellerton, and I
are more than just acquainted;
after the fun we had last night,
no joke: I almost fainted.
After our romp she made me dinner
and it was good; I have to say.
It was almost just as spicy as the sex we had today.
Your mother is quite good in bed,
but she's not the best I've had.
I just have to be honest;
my best sex was with your dad.
The receptionist at Planned Parenthood;
she knows me really well.
I've seen her seven times this year,
since I met Danny Mel.
He impregnates me on Tuesdays
in the back of his mom's truck,
the condom's broken every time,
but hey, that's just my luck.
Me and the pharmacist at Target,
we're becoming friends.
I see her sometimes twice a week,
both days on all weekends.
I walk right in there and she hands me
boxes inside bags,
they obviously all contain
ointment that kills crabs.
The gynecologist in Moorpark,
she knows my name too.
She says that I'm all stretched out;
there's nothing she can do.
She recommended kegels
and sex fewer times per day,
I said "fine, but only if
other holes are okay. . ."
The cashier guy at Walmart,
he hides when I come in;
he told me tasting lube before
I buy it is a sin.
"But it's strawberry flavored!
And it tastes just like the fruit!"
I think he thinks I'm kind of weird,
too bad, he's kind of cute.
Your mom, Mrs. Ellerton, and I
are more than just acquainted;
after the fun we had last night,
no joke: I almost fainted.
After our romp she made me dinner
and it was good; I have to say.
It was almost just as spicy as the sex we had today.
Your mother is quite good in bed,
but she's not the best I've had.
I just have to be honest;
my best sex was with your dad.
Part 2: If you had to go gay for a celebrity, which one would you bang?
Part 3: 5 Creative Ways to Say You Got Laid
(just in case you feel like walking out of a guy's room in last night's dress isn't good enough)
1) "I was in an unfilmed amateur porno last night!"
2) Last night I tried out unpaid, legal prostitution with that guy I've been dating!
3) "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
4) "I played the Hokey Pokey last night, but instead of my right foot, I used my dick."
5) "You know that scene in The Lion King where Simba and Nala wrestle? I reenacted the uncensored version of that scene last night with your girlfriend."
THANKS FOR READING!
Don't forget to submit funny hookup stories :) I have some good new ones of my own but I fear that it's too obvious who the guy is so I'll have to figure dat shit out before I post them publicly on the interwebz.
I will try to be more consistent with posting! Life has been crazy lately.
-Mandie
hullo there.
im exhausted. did nothing today and I napped twice and did zero homework, and my entire body hurts and I desperately want to sleep for 57.8 hours, but I have a sorority event in two hours. I'M FINE. TOTALLY FINE. LUV THIS. IT'S cLIT. :)))))
im exhausted. did nothing today and I napped twice and did zero homework, and my entire body hurts and I desperately want to sleep for 57.8 hours, but I have a sorority event in two hours. I'M FINE. TOTALLY FINE. LUV THIS. IT'S cLIT. :)))))
Part 1: A Poem
I'm fine : a poem by me ofc
I'm terrified of fruit snacks,
I'm afraid of things that glow;
I'm petrified of glue sticks
and of people who walk slow.
I'm horrified by hula hoops,
afraid of pigs and goats,
I'm scared of really rich old men
who buy a lot of boats.
I'm frightened by hair scrunchies
and of grandmas who bake pie;
Just the mention of canned applesauce
does sometimes make me cry.
I'm fearful of petunias
and I'm scared of tabby cats,
I'm unnerved by Coca-Cola
and of goldfish that wear hats.
I hate lowercase letters
and I'm scared of purple bras,
I'm afraid of Justin Bieber
and of cheesey-flavored sauce.
I'm terrified of everything,
I have no left eyelashes;
I've only just turned seventeen
and I'm having hot flashes.
I'm addicted to Bananagrams,
I live a life of crime,
and I'm attracted to platypi,
but otherwise I'm fine.
I'm terrified of fruit snacks,
I'm afraid of things that glow;
I'm petrified of glue sticks
and of people who walk slow.
I'm horrified by hula hoops,
afraid of pigs and goats,
I'm scared of really rich old men
who buy a lot of boats.
I'm frightened by hair scrunchies
and of grandmas who bake pie;
Just the mention of canned applesauce
does sometimes make me cry.
I'm fearful of petunias
and I'm scared of tabby cats,
I'm unnerved by Coca-Cola
and of goldfish that wear hats.
I hate lowercase letters
and I'm scared of purple bras,
I'm afraid of Justin Bieber
and of cheesey-flavored sauce.
I'm terrified of everything,
I have no left eyelashes;
I've only just turned seventeen
and I'm having hot flashes.
I'm addicted to Bananagrams,
I live a life of crime,
and I'm attracted to platypi,
but otherwise I'm fine.
Part 2: O SHIT U ACTUALLY SENT THAT?
screenshots of unfortunate drunk texts sent in by YOU GUYS! Keep 'em coming
1) Relatable
3) oh
Part 3: An anonymous awkward hookup story submission
"I was dating this guy and he had never been given head before so I figured I'd be the first. So I pulled out his dick and started going for it. Eventually, I ended up going too deep and choked on his dick and my gag reflex kicked in... I threw up on his dick... He's probably scarred for life."
Part 4: Tinder Conversations That Are Worth Sharing
in conclusion, I've decided to be gay now. LADIIEEEES HIT ME UP I'M FREE 2NITE.
remember: not IN a blimp, ON a blimp.
ily
-Mandie
Sup sluts?
I sorta slacked on posting last week, so here is a new one for you.
I want you to know that I love all of you and want to get each and every one of you very, very, very pregnant. Even those of you without uteruses (. . .uteri?).
Enjoy!
I sorta slacked on posting last week, so here is a new one for you.
I want you to know that I love all of you and want to get each and every one of you very, very, very pregnant. Even those of you without uteruses (. . .uteri?).
Enjoy!
Part 1: Poetry
Horny Your grandma's not single your aunt is engaged, your cousin's a lesbian, though I think that's a phase. Your stepmom's not into me, your sister's got crabs, I'm into your mom, but she's not up for grabs. I guess it's time to move onto the guys, Although I prefer girls, these are desperate times. Your uncle said no and your brother is married, your grandpa woulda but he's already buried. We were gonna fuck but then you got a cough, just leave me alone I guess I'll go jerk off. |
Part 2: How to Make Your Parents Hate you Even If You Live 150 Miles Away From Them
So you've already pestered them for money, totaled their new BMW, and used the entire family's data for the month in only two weeks.
wait what?
that was just me, you say?
oh. my mistake.
well, anyways. . .
the point is, you are desperately in need of new ways to make your parents completely, entirely, utterly, absolutely despise you.
I, as a master in this field, feel that it is my duty to share my wisdom with you. I will now give you some tips so that you, too, can ensure that when your parents brag about you to their friends, they have to try really, really hard to make up brag worthy bullshit about you, because you're a total shitbag but they still have to play the My-Kid-Is-Better-Than-Yours game when they talk to their mom friends.
Without further ado, here we go:
1) Call your parents every time you get drunk, and ask them if you're their favorite child. If they don't give you a firm "yes," say, "if I'm not your favorite child then you're not my favorite parents."
wait what?
that was just me, you say?
oh. my mistake.
well, anyways. . .
the point is, you are desperately in need of new ways to make your parents completely, entirely, utterly, absolutely despise you.
I, as a master in this field, feel that it is my duty to share my wisdom with you. I will now give you some tips so that you, too, can ensure that when your parents brag about you to their friends, they have to try really, really hard to make up brag worthy bullshit about you, because you're a total shitbag but they still have to play the My-Kid-Is-Better-Than-Yours game when they talk to their mom friends.
Without further ado, here we go:
1) Call your parents every time you get drunk, and ask them if you're their favorite child. If they don't give you a firm "yes," say, "if I'm not your favorite child then you're not my favorite parents."
2) Wrinkle their bedsheets and leave condom wrappers in their bedroom trashcan every time you come home.
3) Use their credit card to order things and pay for $35 overnight shipping on a $3 phone case
4) tell them you love them and want to be more open with them, and then describe to them every gory detail of your every sexual endeavor.
5) Ask your parents to submit their awkward sex stories to IT'S cLIT!
6) Submit a picture of your dad to @DILFsofdisneyland and send him a screenshot with the caption, "you're welcome."
7) Tell them that you have a blog where you publicly post all of your stories of your awkward sexual encounters.
Part 3: Awkward Hookup Stories Submitted by YOU GUYS!
1) "When I was 17, my boyfriend slept over and we were doing it on the bathroom floor. I was laying on my stomach and he was behind me going really fast, and he accidentally put it in my butt and it went all the way in. I screamed "WRONG HOLE!!" and I ran into my mom's bathroom and cried. I couldn't sit comfortably for like three days."
2) "I fucked this girl and told my friend, and then he told that he fucked her too and so has half of our pledge class."
Part 4: A Story About That Time I Made My Entire Family Super Uncomfortable
Correction: A Story About One Of the Times I Made My Entire Family Super Uncomfortable. For your reading pleasure. You're welcome.
Okay kids, allow me to set the scene. I was about seven years old. I was in my hyper phase (not sure I entirely grew out of that one, tbh). And I was also going through this weird phase where I thought it was super funny to add "-ness" to everything. Examples (note: these are not actual things that I said; these are just examples of the sort of things I would say):
"OMG SO MUCH SPAGHETTINESS I'M SO EXCITED!"
"It's freezing outside! I wish I was covered in warm, fuzzy blanketiness right now."
*huge group of birds flies overhead* "Wooooahhhh that's a lot of birdness!"
This phase lasted a few weeks. Weeks during which I'm surprised anybody was able to tolerate speaking to me. I was truly a horribly irritating child. Not much has changed :')
Anyways, my strangle little habit was brought to an abrupt end after I fucked up. Here's what happened:
My mom was making dinner in the kitchen. My sister was in the family room on the couch watching TV. My dad was peeing in the downstairs bathroom. *Side note: all three of these rooms are very close to each other in the house.*
I had to pee, and so I was waiting outside of the bathroom for my dad to come out. He did, and I walked in. And that's when the fuck up occurred.
There were two drops of pee on the seat. Without thinking, I said loudly,
"DAAAD YOUR PEENESS IS ALL OVER THE SEAT!"
My dad looked at me.
My mom looked at me.
My sister looked at me.
I instantly realized what I had just said.
Nobody had any clue what the hell I was talking about, but were all very discomfited by my seemingly mentioning my father's genitalia.
I tried to explain myself, but my conservative father (he literally can't even handle me saying the word "period" or "boob," let alone "penis") just looked at me with the most uncomfortable expression. Nobody said anything. They just turned back to what they were doing as I walked back into the bathroom and cleaned up the peeness. I wanted to die.
Okay kids, allow me to set the scene. I was about seven years old. I was in my hyper phase (not sure I entirely grew out of that one, tbh). And I was also going through this weird phase where I thought it was super funny to add "-ness" to everything. Examples (note: these are not actual things that I said; these are just examples of the sort of things I would say):
"OMG SO MUCH SPAGHETTINESS I'M SO EXCITED!"
"It's freezing outside! I wish I was covered in warm, fuzzy blanketiness right now."
*huge group of birds flies overhead* "Wooooahhhh that's a lot of birdness!"
This phase lasted a few weeks. Weeks during which I'm surprised anybody was able to tolerate speaking to me. I was truly a horribly irritating child. Not much has changed :')
Anyways, my strangle little habit was brought to an abrupt end after I fucked up. Here's what happened:
My mom was making dinner in the kitchen. My sister was in the family room on the couch watching TV. My dad was peeing in the downstairs bathroom. *Side note: all three of these rooms are very close to each other in the house.*
I had to pee, and so I was waiting outside of the bathroom for my dad to come out. He did, and I walked in. And that's when the fuck up occurred.
There were two drops of pee on the seat. Without thinking, I said loudly,
"DAAAD YOUR PEENESS IS ALL OVER THE SEAT!"
My dad looked at me.
My mom looked at me.
My sister looked at me.
I instantly realized what I had just said.
Nobody had any clue what the hell I was talking about, but were all very discomfited by my seemingly mentioning my father's genitalia.
I tried to explain myself, but my conservative father (he literally can't even handle me saying the word "period" or "boob," let alone "penis") just looked at me with the most uncomfortable expression. Nobody said anything. They just turned back to what they were doing as I walked back into the bathroom and cleaned up the peeness. I wanted to die.
Well, it's now 7am and I have class at 11:15, so it's time for me to start getting ready because I'm (*to the tune of I Really Like You by Carly Rae Jepson) really really really really really really high maintenance.
Luv u, All of u. Except you, Bob. You need to fucking leave.
Remember, not IN a blimp, ON a blimp.
xoxo,
Mandie
Luv u, All of u. Except you, Bob. You need to fucking leave.
Remember, not IN a blimp, ON a blimp.
xoxo,
Mandie
Hiiiiiii kids.
Sorry I haven't posted in a while, life is crazy! But great news, I got fired from chipotle, so now I have so. much. free. time.
Sorry I haven't posted in a while, life is crazy! But great news, I got fired from chipotle, so now I have so. much. free. time.
Part 1: Poetry Inspired by Valentine's Day
Single: A Poem by Mandie
I don't know why I'm single,
I can't figure it out,
I'm five-foot-four with massive tits
and an ass to brag about.
I mean, okay I still wear diapers
and I'm almost nineteen,
but I have an amazing body
and I'm almost never mean.
I don't know why I'm single,
I have a pretty face,
but every time boys are around
they leave me lots of space.
I'm really good at blowjobs,
at least I think I am;
I've never really given one,
but I just know I can.
I don't know why I'm single,
I always shave my pubes,
I have no clue why boys don't like me
I'm just so confused!
I don't have massive nipples or a
creepy extra toe,
I only shower once a month
boys should still like me, though!
I don't know why I'm single,
I still have one eyebrow,
but every time I ask boys to hang
they laugh and say, "not now!"
I'm cute and small and freckled
with long blonde curly hair,
boys should be lined up at my door to date me
but I looked, no boys are there!
I don't know why I'm single,
I'm 18, boys, I'm legal!
I'd be a lovely girlfriend,
I've only killed four people!
I don't know why I'm single,
I can't figure it out,
I'm five-foot-four with massive tits
and an ass to brag about.
I mean, okay I still wear diapers
and I'm almost nineteen,
but I have an amazing body
and I'm almost never mean.
I don't know why I'm single,
I have a pretty face,
but every time boys are around
they leave me lots of space.
I'm really good at blowjobs,
at least I think I am;
I've never really given one,
but I just know I can.
I don't know why I'm single,
I always shave my pubes,
I have no clue why boys don't like me
I'm just so confused!
I don't have massive nipples or a
creepy extra toe,
I only shower once a month
boys should still like me, though!
I don't know why I'm single,
I still have one eyebrow,
but every time I ask boys to hang
they laugh and say, "not now!"
I'm cute and small and freckled
with long blonde curly hair,
boys should be lined up at my door to date me
but I looked, no boys are there!
I don't know why I'm single,
I'm 18, boys, I'm legal!
I'd be a lovely girlfriend,
I've only killed four people!
Part 2: Unconventional Promposals That Will Blow Her Mind
There are two moments every young girl dreams about. Two days so special that every young lady makes separate Pinterest boards devoted to each. Two occasions so glorious that girls spend hours planning their every detail to ensure their perfection.
Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. But guys, you might not. So I'm going to let you deep inside the mind of women everywhere. I should honestly be charging you for this kind of insight. I'm the best. You're welcome.
1) Every girl looks forward to the day her boyfriend says, "babe, I don't want another blowjob ever again. I'd prefer to spend that time making you grilled cheese.
2) Every girl looks forward to her fantasy promposal. Now, I know what you're thinking: "don't you mean proposal? Every girl looks forward to getting engaged."
And yes, I understand why you might think that, but it's time that you know the truth. Whether you like it or not, here is the harsh reality: 50% of US marriages end in divorce. That fucking sucks, right? Well guess what?? 0% of US promposals end in divorce. Rad!!! So there's a clear winner here, and for once it isn't Michael Phelps. It's promposals! PROMPOSALS FOR THE WIN!
So yeah, dudes, as you surely now understand, promposals are pretty fucking important. So dear god, WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT FUCK IT UP!!!!
Because I am a kind, gentle soul who wishes to help all of you brainless, tactless males in executing the promposal of her dreams, I have put together a list of unique, totally epic, mind-blowing promposal ideas that will help you make your way into both her heart and her vagina.
Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. But guys, you might not. So I'm going to let you deep inside the mind of women everywhere. I should honestly be charging you for this kind of insight. I'm the best. You're welcome.
1) Every girl looks forward to the day her boyfriend says, "babe, I don't want another blowjob ever again. I'd prefer to spend that time making you grilled cheese.
2) Every girl looks forward to her fantasy promposal. Now, I know what you're thinking: "don't you mean proposal? Every girl looks forward to getting engaged."
And yes, I understand why you might think that, but it's time that you know the truth. Whether you like it or not, here is the harsh reality: 50% of US marriages end in divorce. That fucking sucks, right? Well guess what?? 0% of US promposals end in divorce. Rad!!! So there's a clear winner here, and for once it isn't Michael Phelps. It's promposals! PROMPOSALS FOR THE WIN!
So yeah, dudes, as you surely now understand, promposals are pretty fucking important. So dear god, WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT FUCK IT UP!!!!
Because I am a kind, gentle soul who wishes to help all of you brainless, tactless males in executing the promposal of her dreams, I have put together a list of unique, totally epic, mind-blowing promposal ideas that will help you make your way into both her heart and her vagina.
To make this more interactive, I've made it into a survey! Select the promposal you will use! Or if you're not in high school anymore and prom is a thing of the past, choose the one you'd recommend to your younger brother. Or if you're a lady, choose the idea you wish your date had used!! Here goes:
The Promposals:
Part 3 : An Anonymous Hookup Story Submission (Keep 'em coming, guys!)
1) A couple of weekends ago, I was at a frat party with my boyfriend. So you know how the story goes when the alcohol hits you and you've been dancing your ass off--we both got hella horny. Anyways, we tried every door in the house, hoping to find one unlocked room. Sadly, all the rooms were locked. Fortunately, one door had a faulty lock and my boyfriend decides that kicking the door till it opens was a good idea. The door opened. WTF. He pulled me into the room and put a chair under the knob of the door to keep people from getting in. We got down to business. Afterwards, (STONERS BEWARE) he does the grossest thing. To spite frat boys, he puts the USED condom on a bong.
Part 4: How to Get Hit On at the Gym
1) Have a vagina
I look about as sexually appealing as a toaster when I go to the gym. So if I can do it, anyone can.
Part 5: Clever Responses to When Your Aunt Asks, "So do you have a boyfriend?"
You've told her to stop asking. The answer has been the same since the day you escaped your mother's womb. But she. still. asks. every. fucking. holiday. What do you say?
1) "No Auntie, I've told you seven times now that I'm a lesbian."
2) "No, are you still married?"
3) "I've realized that I much prefer the company of my vibrator, but thanks for asking. . .again."
4) "No, but don't worry, that doesn't mean I'm not having a lot of sex. Because I am. A lot. Daily. It's intense. Some days I can barely walk! But it's worth it. How about you? Still fucking the same guy?"
5) "Not yet, but sugardaddyforme.com is giving me a lot of hope for the future!"
6) "Yes but he doesn't know it yet. We've made eye contact 6 times now though, so it's getting pretty serious."
Send in Suggestions, guys! LUVVV UUUUUU :)))
Thanks for reading!
Remember, not IN a blimp, ON a blimp.
-Mandie
HELLO CHILDREN!
Just kidding, if any of you are children, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, exit out of this website before I corrupt you!!
I have a huge problem on my hands: I have to pee really badly, but standing up and walking all 20 steps to the bathroom sounds like way more effort than I'm willing to make right now. If anyone has any advice, let me know. Preferably in the next 27 seconds before I piss myself.
Thanks!
Oh! I wanted to make sure you guys know that you can sign up to get emails whenever I post a new post here on IT'S cLIT! If you wanna join the email list, just enter your email right here:
Just kidding, if any of you are children, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, exit out of this website before I corrupt you!!
I have a huge problem on my hands: I have to pee really badly, but standing up and walking all 20 steps to the bathroom sounds like way more effort than I'm willing to make right now. If anyone has any advice, let me know. Preferably in the next 27 seconds before I piss myself.
Thanks!
Oh! I wanted to make sure you guys know that you can sign up to get emails whenever I post a new post here on IT'S cLIT! If you wanna join the email list, just enter your email right here:
If you ever want to be taken off the list, just send an email to [email protected] saying that you don't wanna receive the emails anymore.
Anyways, I promised you I would write another post today, so HERE YOU GO!
Anyways, I promised you I would write another post today, so HERE YOU GO!
Part 1: A Poem by Me Myself and I
Why I'm Going to Hell By Mandie
I'm not going to heaven,
I'm sorry I'm just not.
I've known since I was seven,
when I started smoking pot.
You may wonder why I say
that I'm going to hell,
but if you even have to ask,
you mustn't know me well.
I jacked off to your sister,
her senior picture's on the wall,
and your mom was hot her junior year,
when she played basketball.
Your little cousin's eighteen now,
and hey, I heard she's single!
Well fortunately, so am I;
and I'm ready to mingle.
I cussed out my grandma,
she was wearing ugly shoes,
I flipped off the volunteer
at the food donation booth
I got drunk on a Tuesday
right before a final test,
I hacked the school computer system,
now my grades are the best.
I ate a juicy burger
made from the meat of baby pups,
I showed your little sister toys
that are made for grown-ups.
I got a new pair of mittens
they're warm and soft as ever,
I mean, okay, they're made of kittens,
but that's a minor fact, whatever.
I know you think that I am bad,
and yeah, okay, that's true,
but I didn't suck off the pope,
I'm not as bad as you.
I'm not going to heaven,
I'm sorry I'm just not.
I've known since I was seven,
when I started smoking pot.
You may wonder why I say
that I'm going to hell,
but if you even have to ask,
you mustn't know me well.
I jacked off to your sister,
her senior picture's on the wall,
and your mom was hot her junior year,
when she played basketball.
Your little cousin's eighteen now,
and hey, I heard she's single!
Well fortunately, so am I;
and I'm ready to mingle.
I cussed out my grandma,
she was wearing ugly shoes,
I flipped off the volunteer
at the food donation booth
I got drunk on a Tuesday
right before a final test,
I hacked the school computer system,
now my grades are the best.
I ate a juicy burger
made from the meat of baby pups,
I showed your little sister toys
that are made for grown-ups.
I got a new pair of mittens
they're warm and soft as ever,
I mean, okay, they're made of kittens,
but that's a minor fact, whatever.
I know you think that I am bad,
and yeah, okay, that's true,
but I didn't suck off the pope,
I'm not as bad as you.
Part 2: How to Tell What His Body Count is Just by Looking at Him
Calculating the body count of any male you come across is very easy! All you have to do is follow a simple formula. Start at zero. Here we go:
If he. . .
and there you have it! That's his body count. you're welcome!
If he. . .
- is wearing a frat tee: add 16
- is wearing athletic sneakers with a normal outfit: subtract 4
- is over six feet tall: add 2
- is over 6'5: add 6
- wears mandals: subtract 5
- has short fingernails: add 4
- is playing Pokémon Go: subtract 9
- has a boner after you itch your boob: subtract 12
- skateboards everywhere: subtract 4
- can't touch his tongue to his nose: subtract 3
- wears muscle tanks when not at the gym: add 12
- has big hands: add 4
- is 6'3 and resembles a toothpick: add 1 (I prob banged him, so that 1 is me, let's be real)
- has visible nostril hair: subtract 5
and there you have it! That's his body count. you're welcome!
Part 3: Funny Stories Submitted by YOU GUYS!
1) "With my ex-girlfriend, the way I would stop myself from orgasming too quickly was I figured out this position that she'd always queef in and it was really funny, so whenever I was about to cum I'd switch to that position and then I'd just start laughing and wouldn't cum."
2) "I was in tenth grade and I hadn't done anything with girls other than kissing. I went over to this girl's house who I'd been fucking around with for a while, and we made out and I fingered her. The next day, she told me to come over because she was going to be home alone for a while. I was really excited and I thought maybe we'd go further this time. So I get there, and we're making out and I have my hands in her pants and she starts grabbing on my dick, and she takes my pants off. So I'm standing there with my pants down expecting a blowjob, and she grabs my dick and goes, 'huh, cool! this is cool.' and then pulls my pants back on. That killed my sexual confidence for years, I figured my dick was small or something."
3) "I was hanging out with this guy I was hooking up with, and I said, "yo are you voting this year?" and he said "no I can't I'm only 20."
and that's when I knew I had made a mistake."
and that's when I knew I had made a mistake."
Part 4: Any ideas?
Do you have any ideas for the next installment of IT'S cLIT? What do you want tips on? What do you want a survey on? Any ideas? Lemme know. :)
Part 5: Would You Rather. . .
Let's play a game! Would you rather. . .
HELLO MY LITTLE LOVE MUFFINS,
sorry I haven't posted in a few days, my life has gone to shit and it's hard to write anything remotely entertaining when you want to jump off of a bridge into a pit of flames.
ANYWAYS,
sorry I haven't posted in a few days, my life has gone to shit and it's hard to write anything remotely entertaining when you want to jump off of a bridge into a pit of flames.
ANYWAYS,
Part 1: A Poem by Yours Truly (das me)
I won't give you a blowjob, I'm sorry but it's true,
I'd suck it if it was attached
to anyone but you.
I can't give you a blowjob, I'm sorry I have plans,
I'm busy but you surely must realize
that you've got hands.
I can't give you a blowjob, the answer is still no
I know you're only asking 'cause I'm
the only girl you know
I won't give you a blowjob, I totally refuse
well I might but first you'll have to buy me
a whole lot of booze.
I might give you a blowjob, even though I said I won't
you really won me over with that
four-page long love note.
I just gave you a blowjob, it did not take long at all,
I don't know what I expected,
but that thing was really small.
I'd suck it if it was attached
to anyone but you.
I can't give you a blowjob, I'm sorry I have plans,
I'm busy but you surely must realize
that you've got hands.
I can't give you a blowjob, the answer is still no
I know you're only asking 'cause I'm
the only girl you know
I won't give you a blowjob, I totally refuse
well I might but first you'll have to buy me
a whole lot of booze.
I might give you a blowjob, even though I said I won't
you really won me over with that
four-page long love note.
I just gave you a blowjob, it did not take long at all,
I don't know what I expected,
but that thing was really small.
Part 2: I PROMISE YOU I WILL POST HOOKUP STORIES TOMORROW
I have so many good ones, but I recorded them over voice memo on my phone and I didn't have time to listen to them all and type them up today. THIS IS WHY IT'S BETTER IF YOU JUST FRIGGIN EMAIL THEM TO ME.
Luv u tho.
Luv u tho.
Part 3: How to Hide Your Disappointment When It's Smaller Than You Expected
You know that feeling when you unwrap a present from Grandma Jo and it is a really ugly sweater that you're never going to wear, but she's just soooo excited to give it to you that you know you have to be polite and pretend you love it? Well, this is a skill that nearly all people have mastered by the age of fourteen. So why is it so hard to apply this same skill when unwrapping a different type of gift? The penis kind, I mean.
This gift is definitely not from Grandma Jo. Unless you're into that. I don't judge.
But anyway, here are some tips to help you through the disappointment when his dick is roughly half the size you were expecting. You're welcome!
This gift is definitely not from Grandma Jo. Unless you're into that. I don't judge.
But anyway, here are some tips to help you through the disappointment when his dick is roughly half the size you were expecting. You're welcome!
Step 1: Facial Expression Adjustment
The first step to pretending you're impressed by his 3.5-incher is adjusting your facial expression. You must ensure that your eyes are widened in a "wow!" type of way as opposed to in a "wow. . ." type of way. U feel me sisterrrrr?
The first step to pretending you're impressed by his 3.5-incher is adjusting your facial expression. You must ensure that your eyes are widened in a "wow!" type of way as opposed to in a "wow. . ." type of way. U feel me sisterrrrr?
Like THIS | NOT this |
Step 2: Attempted compliment
Lying is a sin, so don't do that. Then again, all the intense kinky sex you had with your fuckbuddy in December was ALSO a sin, but let's try to keep the sinning to a minimum in 2017 #NewYearNewMe. So here are some examples of compliments you can pay your new boo to boost his ego without sacrificing your salvation.
-Well hey at least it's bigger than mine!
-It's so. . .cute!
-Awwwww it's fun-size I love it!!
-Oh my God this is the perfect size! I've always wanted to try nostril sex!
Lying is a sin, so don't do that. Then again, all the intense kinky sex you had with your fuckbuddy in December was ALSO a sin, but let's try to keep the sinning to a minimum in 2017 #NewYearNewMe. So here are some examples of compliments you can pay your new boo to boost his ego without sacrificing your salvation.
-Well hey at least it's bigger than mine!
-It's so. . .cute!
-Awwwww it's fun-size I love it!!
-Oh my God this is the perfect size! I've always wanted to try nostril sex!
Step 3: Don't Ask If It's In
WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT AS IF IT'S IN.
WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT AS IF IT'S IN.
Step 4: Fake an Orgasm
This is pretty self explanatory, but the sooner you fake it, the sooner he'll take it out and you can move on with your life and put bigger, better things into your vag. :)
This is pretty self explanatory, but the sooner you fake it, the sooner he'll take it out and you can move on with your life and put bigger, better things into your vag. :)
Soooo. . .how was your weekend?Mine was good, thanks for asking. (WARNING- graphic pic)
And by good, I mean I'm not dead yet. Then again, maybe that wouldn't really be a downgrade from the current situation.
I went to an 80's workout-themed party. Correction: WE went to an 80's workout-themed party. 3 shots of Bacardi and I was good to go. I'm 5'1 and here's how drinking goes for me:
-1 shot: sober
-2 shots: buzzed
-3 shots: moderately drunk
-4 shots: fucked up
-5 shots: vomiting in someone's rental car and sleeping next to the trash can with a full face of makeup on and waking up in an unfamiliar apartment with unfamiliar boys.
so after 3 shots, I was feeling pretty good. We went to the party, and I drank a few sips of whatever the weird blue shit the frat boys gave us as well as half of a beer. So I'm getting into dangerous territory. I started drunk texting everyone I know, in addition to everyone I don't know.
Then I started getting sad, which occasionally happens when I drink too much. I either become overly excited and totally pumped about everything, or I get sad about boys. This particular night, the latter was looking more likely. So I strayed from the party and sat in a corner, drunk off my ass and texting meaningless jumbles to people about how sad I am. I ended up getting too sad and leaving the party (which, in retrospect, was an excellent idea because a frat party isn't the ideal location to mope about the following:
-boys are evil
-my cat is 150 miles away
-I forgot to eat my free employee meal at Chipotle
-I don't even know what sport the Super Bowl is
-that girl I met earlier had uneven eyeliner and that's just really not ok
. . .among other issues).
So I get home and text my friend to come over. Then I proceeded to pour an entire bottle of Zoloft into my mouth because it seemed like a great idea at the time, until it was actually in my mouth and I realized that if I died, I would never be able to help that girl even out her eyeliner.
So I spit it out, with a little encouragement from my friend.
Then she left, taking all the pills with her, and I sat on the floor and waited for my friends to come home.
But suddenly, blood.
SO MUCH BLOOD.
It started pouring down my face. I didn't know what to do, so I just caught it with my hands and waited for somebody to come save me from my demon nostrils. Nobody did. It was like three minutes of this, and suddenly the door opened and my roommate walked in with a boy. She walked into what looked like the scene of a brutal murder. Here is some photographic evidence (WARNING: GROSS!):
I went to an 80's workout-themed party. Correction: WE went to an 80's workout-themed party. 3 shots of Bacardi and I was good to go. I'm 5'1 and here's how drinking goes for me:
-1 shot: sober
-2 shots: buzzed
-3 shots: moderately drunk
-4 shots: fucked up
-5 shots: vomiting in someone's rental car and sleeping next to the trash can with a full face of makeup on and waking up in an unfamiliar apartment with unfamiliar boys.
so after 3 shots, I was feeling pretty good. We went to the party, and I drank a few sips of whatever the weird blue shit the frat boys gave us as well as half of a beer. So I'm getting into dangerous territory. I started drunk texting everyone I know, in addition to everyone I don't know.
Then I started getting sad, which occasionally happens when I drink too much. I either become overly excited and totally pumped about everything, or I get sad about boys. This particular night, the latter was looking more likely. So I strayed from the party and sat in a corner, drunk off my ass and texting meaningless jumbles to people about how sad I am. I ended up getting too sad and leaving the party (which, in retrospect, was an excellent idea because a frat party isn't the ideal location to mope about the following:
-boys are evil
-my cat is 150 miles away
-I forgot to eat my free employee meal at Chipotle
-I don't even know what sport the Super Bowl is
-that girl I met earlier had uneven eyeliner and that's just really not ok
. . .among other issues).
So I get home and text my friend to come over. Then I proceeded to pour an entire bottle of Zoloft into my mouth because it seemed like a great idea at the time, until it was actually in my mouth and I realized that if I died, I would never be able to help that girl even out her eyeliner.
So I spit it out, with a little encouragement from my friend.
Then she left, taking all the pills with her, and I sat on the floor and waited for my friends to come home.
But suddenly, blood.
SO MUCH BLOOD.
It started pouring down my face. I didn't know what to do, so I just caught it with my hands and waited for somebody to come save me from my demon nostrils. Nobody did. It was like three minutes of this, and suddenly the door opened and my roommate walked in with a boy. She walked into what looked like the scene of a brutal murder. Here is some photographic evidence (WARNING: GROSS!):
I greeted her as I usually would, "HIIIIII!!" and somehow at that moment, my nose stopped spewing all of my insides out, so it simply appeared that I was covered from head to toe in the blood of my enemies. I proceeded to take a really excessive amount of snapchat story videos, and then took a shower. Then I heard the sounds of three people vomiting in the bathroom, and I knew that the rest of my night would be just as wonderful as the first part.
It was. And I want to show you two of the dumbest drunk texts I sent, because
a) I have no shame
and
b) I'm classy always
here ya go:
It was. And I want to show you two of the dumbest drunk texts I sent, because
a) I have no shame
and
b) I'm classy always
here ya go:
There are so many more that are far too embarrassing to post. But if you're seeking quality entertainment, I highly recommend texting me after 10:30pm on Fridays and Saturdays. Just sayin.
I love you! Don't forget to send me funny stories of all kinds (though I have a soft spot for awkward hookup stories).
Bye babes,
and remember!!! Not IN a blimp, ON a blimp.
-Mandie
Bye babes,
and remember!!! Not IN a blimp, ON a blimp.
-Mandie
Part 1: A Poem
Ode to Lube: by Mandie
Whether it be in a jar or a bottle or tube,
it's my prized possession,
what is it? It's lube!
It's great for anal, or for fucking ugly dudes,
whose faces make it difficult
to produce lady juice.
Let me tell you a crazy little secret,
it's a little unusual,
but I trust you to keep it.
I'm on a liquids-only diet,
(I've lost 10 pounds- you should totally try it).
I sometimes crave freshly baked apple pie,
apple-pie lube is totes worth a try.
Do you ever have a French fry craving?
Potato flavored lube is truly amazing.
Strawberry-banana lube: go and get it!
Drink it all up; you won't regret it.
I love you, but you're getting chubby,
try my diet! Impress your hubby!
I'm not playin',
I'm just sayin',
lube is really quite amazin'.
Whether it be in a jar or a bottle or tube,
it's my prized possession,
what is it? It's lube!
It's great for anal, or for fucking ugly dudes,
whose faces make it difficult
to produce lady juice.
Let me tell you a crazy little secret,
it's a little unusual,
but I trust you to keep it.
I'm on a liquids-only diet,
(I've lost 10 pounds- you should totally try it).
I sometimes crave freshly baked apple pie,
apple-pie lube is totes worth a try.
Do you ever have a French fry craving?
Potato flavored lube is truly amazing.
Strawberry-banana lube: go and get it!
Drink it all up; you won't regret it.
I love you, but you're getting chubby,
try my diet! Impress your hubby!
I'm not playin',
I'm just sayin',
lube is really quite amazin'.
Part 2: A hookup story submitted by an anonymous reader!!
1) So this guy came over one night, and i sort of had a feeling we were going to have sex, so i asked a bunch of friends for a condom because i didn't have any. somehow nobody on my floor in my dorm had one either...bummer. so i guess no sex was gonna happen because he's a man hoe from what i've heard, and i didn't feel like catching herpes (MOMMA AREN'T U PROUD?). So anyways we're making out and he goes to stick his dick in me and i'm like NOPE i'm not on birth control and i don't have a condom. he was like "damn." and then my roommate texts me, "so um i got you a condom." apparently she got one from some guy we sort of know. I tell the guy to get dressed because my roommate has to get something. so he gets dressed and she walks in, makes really awkward eye contact with him, hands me a condom, and leaves. he's like "what is that?" and i'm like "drug deal." he didn't question it. a few minutes later, I threw it at him and said, "aren't my friends the best?" spoiler alert: they are.
Part 3: Buttons That Don't Do Anything
Buttons are totally rad! Who doesn't love buttons? So here, for your booping pleasure, here are some scattered buttons that will do nothing when you click them, but they're totally fun to boop! You're welcome.
Part 4: How to Write A Bestselling Erotic Fiction Novel
We all want to be rich. It's a fact of life. And guys, you are so lucky to be readers of It's cLit! because I am about to tell you a little-known secret to becoming a multi-millionaire: write an erotic fiction novel.
"what?" you say, "but I don't have any writing talent!"
fortunately, according to E.L. James, talent is not required to write a novel of this sort. there is a simple formula you must follow. I will now reveal to you the secrets of becoming a well-known erotic fiction author such as myself.
Step 1: The Meeting
unfortunately, everyone's least favorite part of an erotic novel is a very necessary part indeed: the intro. In order to bang really, really, REALLY hard, the main characters must meet. So place your characters in a situation in which they can casually bump into each other. Grocery store, a library, a gay brothel; you name it, they can meet there!
"what?" you say, "but I don't have any writing talent!"
fortunately, according to E.L. James, talent is not required to write a novel of this sort. there is a simple formula you must follow. I will now reveal to you the secrets of becoming a well-known erotic fiction author such as myself.
Step 1: The Meeting
unfortunately, everyone's least favorite part of an erotic novel is a very necessary part indeed: the intro. In order to bang really, really, REALLY hard, the main characters must meet. So place your characters in a situation in which they can casually bump into each other. Grocery store, a library, a gay brothel; you name it, they can meet there!
Step 2: Sexual Tension
In the lead-up to the hot, penetrative, vaginal intercourse (in addition to clitoral stimulation as well as occasional fellatio and cunnilingus), it is important to build sexual tension between the characters. This involves intense, extended eye contact; accidental sexual innuendos (for example, let's say the love interests– let's call them Jack and Jill– are at a clothing store. The guy looks at a rack of clothes and says, "wow that's a great rack!" This comment causes Jill to giggle shyly, and an embarrassed flush appears upon Jack's cheeks); frequent, awkward run-ins with each other; and, of course, accidental touching.
In the lead-up to the hot, penetrative, vaginal intercourse (in addition to clitoral stimulation as well as occasional fellatio and cunnilingus), it is important to build sexual tension between the characters. This involves intense, extended eye contact; accidental sexual innuendos (for example, let's say the love interests– let's call them Jack and Jill– are at a clothing store. The guy looks at a rack of clothes and says, "wow that's a great rack!" This comment causes Jill to giggle shyly, and an embarrassed flush appears upon Jack's cheeks); frequent, awkward run-ins with each other; and, of course, accidental touching.
Step 3: First Kiss
You must find a very, very basic and entirely unoriginal location for your characters to make out for the first time. Describe every detail of the kiss- how watery his saliva is, how many teeth Jill is missing, and what type of pizza he last enjoyed (and therefore, which type she gets to experience in this moment). Detail the pressure of his sweaty palm's firm grasp on her left buttock, his 5.7-inch boner pressing into her belly button, and how his tongue slithers around her minty fresh mouth and slides gently into the gap between her front teeth.
You must find a very, very basic and entirely unoriginal location for your characters to make out for the first time. Describe every detail of the kiss- how watery his saliva is, how many teeth Jill is missing, and what type of pizza he last enjoyed (and therefore, which type she gets to experience in this moment). Detail the pressure of his sweaty palm's firm grasp on her left buttock, his 5.7-inch boner pressing into her belly button, and how his tongue slithers around her minty fresh mouth and slides gently into the gap between her front teeth.
Step 4: The Sex
Finally *comes* the part of the novel that all of your readers (including your mom and Grandma Jo) have been waiting for: The sex. Don't hold back. This is an erotic fiction, for goodness sake! Make it moist, make it juicy, make it sexy, make it anal! Detail every thrust, every lick, every queef, every accidental tooth-knock, and every subpar handjob. Please enjoy the following example of a hot sex scene, by yours truly:
"HARDER!" Jill groaned as Jack's 5.7-inch ding dong entered her lubed anus. She squealed and breathed heavily as he jackhammered into and out of her ass.
"You're so tight baby," Jack moaned as he felt a stream of drool drip out of his mouth and onto Jill's left DD-cup titty. "Also, what do you think your mother would like for Christmas?"
"I think she's been wanting to see that–OHHHH HARDER OHMYGOD– documentary about sharks with my dad. . .maybe we should get them tickets?" Jill replied, as her body writhed in pleasure and the puddle of Jack's drool dripped down her side and onto the bedsheets.
"I'm about to come," Jack said breathlessly.
"Oh hell no, pull out! Don't you have gonorrhea?" Jill shouted.
Finally *comes* the part of the novel that all of your readers (including your mom and Grandma Jo) have been waiting for: The sex. Don't hold back. This is an erotic fiction, for goodness sake! Make it moist, make it juicy, make it sexy, make it anal! Detail every thrust, every lick, every queef, every accidental tooth-knock, and every subpar handjob. Please enjoy the following example of a hot sex scene, by yours truly:
"HARDER!" Jill groaned as Jack's 5.7-inch ding dong entered her lubed anus. She squealed and breathed heavily as he jackhammered into and out of her ass.
"You're so tight baby," Jack moaned as he felt a stream of drool drip out of his mouth and onto Jill's left DD-cup titty. "Also, what do you think your mother would like for Christmas?"
"I think she's been wanting to see that–OHHHH HARDER OHMYGOD– documentary about sharks with my dad. . .maybe we should get them tickets?" Jill replied, as her body writhed in pleasure and the puddle of Jack's drool dripped down her side and onto the bedsheets.
"I'm about to come," Jack said breathlessly.
"Oh hell no, pull out! Don't you have gonorrhea?" Jill shouted.
Part 5: More sex
It's an erotic fiction. You need at least 17 sex scenes! Get to work, bitch.
It's an erotic fiction. You need at least 17 sex scenes! Get to work, bitch.
Part 6: The Ending
Everyone knows that all good erotica ends with a bang. Well, two bangs: The first bang is a literal bang, because obviously the characters have to bang. But the second bang is a metaphorical bang: the marriage. Fucking somebody that you don't plan to spend the rest of your life with is something that of course nobody would ever do, so the characters must marry and make beautiful, horny little babies!
Everyone knows that all good erotica ends with a bang. Well, two bangs: The first bang is a literal bang, because obviously the characters have to bang. But the second bang is a metaphorical bang: the marriage. Fucking somebody that you don't plan to spend the rest of your life with is something that of course nobody would ever do, so the characters must marry and make beautiful, horny little babies!
You're welcome for the tips. Love you!
Part 5: Emily and I Hung Out With Guys From Tinder Social And it Was Really Fucking Weird
You guys know that I love you. Otherwise I wouldn't spend 577534 years on these posts. Also, if I didn't love you, I wouldn't do dumb shit in the hopes of getting a mildly entertaining story for y'all. I said y'all to set the tone for this story.
Here goes.
Oh, by the way, we will call these fellows Duke and Jeremiah, so that they may remain anonymous.
Emily and I were bored. We decided to go to a party, but the single frat party that was happening on this particular Thursday evening was rather impossible to get into, due to the limited amount of drivers. So what were we going to do? We'd already opened a bottle of Mike's Hard Lemonade, and there was no way in hell that we were going to let it go to waste. We knew what we had to do.
Tinder social.
The moment we saw the carcasses of the animals they murdered ruthlessly, we knew we wanted to spend our evening with them. It was fate that the gods and the jesuses lined up the stars so that we would match with the men of our dreams.
Something possessed us to ask 23-year-old grad students Duke and Jeremiah to pick us up and take us to hang out at their place. We boarded the charcoal grey pickup truck, and our ears were instantly assaulted by the most redneck accents we'd ever heard.
"What?" we said as our minds and ears were boggled by the strange sounds their mouths were making.
"Hello," Jeremiah repeated, as he sipped a beer in the driver's seat.
We arrived at their home (in the middle of nowhere, apparently next to some lake), somehow despite the lack of seat belts and the most horrifying driving we've ever experienced,
The moment we entered, my vegan little soul planned a mass genocide of all males. I saw a taxidermied duck mounted on the wall, and I was ready to leave. Then I turned around to see three more dead birds as well as the skull of a bull. I texted Emily that I wanted to leave, but she said we had to stay for at least 30 minutes. Unfortunately, at this time, Duke and Jeremiah decided to speak "words" to us, not that I entirely understood any of them, but hey at least they tried. They asked us if we wanted to play beer pong, and I opened the Uber application on my phone and planned The Great Escape.
Emily and I lost beer pong the first time.
Then we lost beer pong the second time.
Then we lost our ability to deal with Duke and Jeremiah, and I noticed my phone vibrating in my left back pocket. I knew it wasn't my battery-powered vibrating dildo, because that was in my other pocket. I took out my phone, and saw that it was Emily, who was standing right next to me, calling me. I picked up the phone, and she left hers in her pocket. Here is how the one-sided conversation went:
•Me: "Hello?"
•Emily: *crickets*
•Me Again: "Wait what? Where are you?"
•Emily: *crickets*
•Me: "Oh my god are you okay?"
at this point, I almost started laughing, so I took this important conversation outside. Approximately 13.5 seconds went by, when that fucking whore hung up on me, because (as she later told me), my voice was audible from her back pocket. #wellthat'sawkward Then, the music, which had been playing from my phone, started blasting once more, and I could no longer pretend to be on the phone.
I walked back into the house, and explained that Hannah (my new imaginary friend), was throwing up and needed us to get back home and take care of her. GODDAMMIT HANNAH YOU DO THIS EVERY FUCKING WEEK.
So we booked it the hell outta there, and although they've invited us over twice since, I think it's safe to say Hannah will be needing us home every night for the rest of our lives.
Here goes.
Oh, by the way, we will call these fellows Duke and Jeremiah, so that they may remain anonymous.
Emily and I were bored. We decided to go to a party, but the single frat party that was happening on this particular Thursday evening was rather impossible to get into, due to the limited amount of drivers. So what were we going to do? We'd already opened a bottle of Mike's Hard Lemonade, and there was no way in hell that we were going to let it go to waste. We knew what we had to do.
Tinder social.
The moment we saw the carcasses of the animals they murdered ruthlessly, we knew we wanted to spend our evening with them. It was fate that the gods and the jesuses lined up the stars so that we would match with the men of our dreams.
Something possessed us to ask 23-year-old grad students Duke and Jeremiah to pick us up and take us to hang out at their place. We boarded the charcoal grey pickup truck, and our ears were instantly assaulted by the most redneck accents we'd ever heard.
"What?" we said as our minds and ears were boggled by the strange sounds their mouths were making.
"Hello," Jeremiah repeated, as he sipped a beer in the driver's seat.
We arrived at their home (in the middle of nowhere, apparently next to some lake), somehow despite the lack of seat belts and the most horrifying driving we've ever experienced,
The moment we entered, my vegan little soul planned a mass genocide of all males. I saw a taxidermied duck mounted on the wall, and I was ready to leave. Then I turned around to see three more dead birds as well as the skull of a bull. I texted Emily that I wanted to leave, but she said we had to stay for at least 30 minutes. Unfortunately, at this time, Duke and Jeremiah decided to speak "words" to us, not that I entirely understood any of them, but hey at least they tried. They asked us if we wanted to play beer pong, and I opened the Uber application on my phone and planned The Great Escape.
Emily and I lost beer pong the first time.
Then we lost beer pong the second time.
Then we lost our ability to deal with Duke and Jeremiah, and I noticed my phone vibrating in my left back pocket. I knew it wasn't my battery-powered vibrating dildo, because that was in my other pocket. I took out my phone, and saw that it was Emily, who was standing right next to me, calling me. I picked up the phone, and she left hers in her pocket. Here is how the one-sided conversation went:
•Me: "Hello?"
•Emily: *crickets*
•Me Again: "Wait what? Where are you?"
•Emily: *crickets*
•Me: "Oh my god are you okay?"
at this point, I almost started laughing, so I took this important conversation outside. Approximately 13.5 seconds went by, when that fucking whore hung up on me, because (as she later told me), my voice was audible from her back pocket. #wellthat'sawkward Then, the music, which had been playing from my phone, started blasting once more, and I could no longer pretend to be on the phone.
I walked back into the house, and explained that Hannah (my new imaginary friend), was throwing up and needed us to get back home and take care of her. GODDAMMIT HANNAH YOU DO THIS EVERY FUCKING WEEK.
So we booked it the hell outta there, and although they've invited us over twice since, I think it's safe to say Hannah will be needing us home every night for the rest of our lives.
That's all for now, kiddos!
Remember, not IN a blimp, ON a blimp.
xoxo
-Mandie
Remember, not IN a blimp, ON a blimp.
xoxo
-Mandie
Welcome to It's cLit! Where it's always cLit! Except that one time. Remember? Nope, you don't, because that time did not exist. It's cLit! is ALWAYS cLit! U feel me? Of course you do.
Well, that's enough foreplay. Here goes:
Well, that's enough foreplay. Here goes:
Part 1: A Poem by Yours Truly
Stepdaddy- A Poem by Mandie
There's something that I have to say;
I saw your dad, and now I'm gay.
I used to be so into girls,
till I saw your father's curls.
I know that this really isn't what you expected;
you and I were dating, then I fucked your dad and wrecked it.
It's not that you aren't totally cool,
it's just that your dad's body makes me drool.
I know you're confused, you're like, "but dad loves mom!"
and I'm sorry, babe, but you're entirely wrong.
Your dad said that I'm great in bed,
he said the sex was like a Nicholas Sparks book he read.
Honestly I'm entirely confused;
don't take this personally, I'm not trying to be rude-
but you should have known your dad was gay, just look!
For God's sake, he read a Nicholas Sparks book!
I know that hearing this might be super rough
But you and I wouldn't have worked, you don't do butt stuff.
I don't mean to be mean,
I just had to come clean,
I fucked your dad, he's a sex machine.
He's the best that I've had,
so babe, please don't be mad,
I know you won't be happy,
but hey! Great news! I'm your new stepdaddy. <3
There's something that I have to say;
I saw your dad, and now I'm gay.
I used to be so into girls,
till I saw your father's curls.
I know that this really isn't what you expected;
you and I were dating, then I fucked your dad and wrecked it.
It's not that you aren't totally cool,
it's just that your dad's body makes me drool.
I know you're confused, you're like, "but dad loves mom!"
and I'm sorry, babe, but you're entirely wrong.
Your dad said that I'm great in bed,
he said the sex was like a Nicholas Sparks book he read.
Honestly I'm entirely confused;
don't take this personally, I'm not trying to be rude-
but you should have known your dad was gay, just look!
For God's sake, he read a Nicholas Sparks book!
I know that hearing this might be super rough
But you and I wouldn't have worked, you don't do butt stuff.
I don't mean to be mean,
I just had to come clean,
I fucked your dad, he's a sex machine.
He's the best that I've had,
so babe, please don't be mad,
I know you won't be happy,
but hey! Great news! I'm your new stepdaddy. <3
Part 2: A Survey-Which Scenario Makes You the Most Horny?
You're welcome for the erotica that follows. It might be HARD to pick your favorite, but I know you can do it :))))
Part 3: Awkward Hookup Stories Submitted by YOU GUYS Because All of You Suck at Sex
1) "I was at a frat party and I was absolutely hammered. I met a super hot guy, and we were talking for a while. He grabbed my hand and took me into a bathroom upstairs. Instead of thinking, "cool, he wants to hook up," my drunk mind went, "oh my god he is trying to get you alone to murder you." But I was so drunk that I sort of just thought, "well, if I'm going to die, I guess this is a good way to go. Like he's really cute, if someone's gonna kill me I'm glad it's him." So I let him lock the door. I sat down on the floor and he looked at me like, "what the fuck are you doing?" In that moment, I decided I was too young to die. I was no longer accepting of my certain death. I stood up and pressed myself into to the corner of the bathroom and said, "I'm scared." He was like, "what? wanna make out?" and I suddenly realized that this super hot frat boy didn't want to murder me- he just wanted to hook up. . .which we did. :)"
2) "Okay so this isn't technically a hookup story, but it's still awkward. I was at work, and I was chatting with an older male coworker. Here's how the conversation went:
Him: So. . .what did you do this weekend?
Me: I did a lot of things!
Him: Did you party?
Me: Yeah, 3 days in a row. It was lit.
Him: sounds like it.
Me: A little too lit, perhaps.
Him: So. . .did you meet anyone? *chuckles*
Me: Are you trying to hint at the hickey on my neck?
Him: *chuckles*
:////
Yeah. That happened."
Him: So. . .what did you do this weekend?
Me: I did a lot of things!
Him: Did you party?
Me: Yeah, 3 days in a row. It was lit.
Him: sounds like it.
Me: A little too lit, perhaps.
Him: So. . .did you meet anyone? *chuckles*
Me: Are you trying to hint at the hickey on my neck?
Him: *chuckles*
:////
Yeah. That happened."
3) "so this guy and I were hooking up and I went to give him a blowjob and it was going fine until I stopped and was like why do they call it a blowjob, just kind of joking around, and he’s like 'I’m really not sure.' I was like 'you know maybe I’m doing it wrong maybe I really am supposed to blow on it.' *I had previously had a conversation with my roommate saying one day I would actually do it.* so then I proceeded to blow onto his dick and I’m still clearly just joking while doing this cus I’m laughing while doing it, but instead of him taking it as a joke as well, he instead legit let out a moan and said 'holy fuckkk,' clearly enjoying it. I was a mixture of confused, proud, and uncomfortable about the whole situation. So ladies I have broken the code to the best blowjob… just blow really fucking hard like blowing out candles on your birthday cake. . .yummmm."
Part 4: OMG DAPHNE SNAPPED ME THIS PIC AND I DIED
I'm down.
Well, I'll leave you guys alone now.
Well, I'll leave you guys alone now.
bye babes!
remember, not IN a blimp, ON a blimp!
don't forget to wrap it before you tap it!!!
-Mandie
remember, not IN a blimp, ON a blimp!
don't forget to wrap it before you tap it!!!
-Mandie
Thanks to my bae Paige Von Radesky for sending me this perfect little pair of GIFs.
Don't forget to submit funny stories and suggestions! Also feel free to comment below.
Don't forget to submit funny stories and suggestions! Also feel free to comment below.
| |
Hello friends!
I want you all to know that I hate males so much that I'm lesbian now. So um, ladies...wut u doin 2nite bb? ;))))
I want you all to know that I hate males so much that I'm lesbian now. So um, ladies...wut u doin 2nite bb? ;))))
Part 1: A Poem by Your Favorite White Trash Skank Bitch (das me)
I Have to Buy New Bras: A Poem by Mandie
I got a gift for Christmas,
well technically it's two...
It was the top thing on my wishlist,
besides sex with Jimmy Choo.
I'm not talking about the Apple Watch
I got from Grandma Jo,
Or the pair of "lick my asshole" socks
from that guy I barely know.
The gift I'm most excited 'bout
is my new set of tits,
But I now have a problem-
My favorite bra no longer fits.
You see, I got a boob job,
but I wasn't thinking clearly,
I'm somewhat of a bra snob,
and I love this pink one dearly.
I've had it since the seventh grade,
when I fucked Tommy Blake,
It's the bra I wore when I first made
a weed-filled birthday cake.
I can't find this bra in my new size,
I'm really very sad,
no other bra catches my eyes,
it's really just too bad.
I'm getting sick of this whole production,
I give up, I'll get a breast reduction.
I got a gift for Christmas,
well technically it's two...
It was the top thing on my wishlist,
besides sex with Jimmy Choo.
I'm not talking about the Apple Watch
I got from Grandma Jo,
Or the pair of "lick my asshole" socks
from that guy I barely know.
The gift I'm most excited 'bout
is my new set of tits,
But I now have a problem-
My favorite bra no longer fits.
You see, I got a boob job,
but I wasn't thinking clearly,
I'm somewhat of a bra snob,
and I love this pink one dearly.
I've had it since the seventh grade,
when I fucked Tommy Blake,
It's the bra I wore when I first made
a weed-filled birthday cake.
I can't find this bra in my new size,
I'm really very sad,
no other bra catches my eyes,
it's really just too bad.
I'm getting sick of this whole production,
I give up, I'll get a breast reduction.
Part 2: My Ex Boyfriend's Mom is Actually Psychotic (submitted by Abbey Griswold)
and then Abbey's 21-year-old ex-boyfriend's 50-something-year-old mom sent Abbey everything she'd ever given to Billy, including an $80 speaker Abbey'd given him for his birthday.
Part 3: Awkward Hookup Stories Submitted by YOU GUYS! And also me because my life is a joke.
1) "This guy texted me and wanted to come over. I definitely wasn't planning on getting laid, so I hadn't shaved in a while. My best friend had me strip and she rubbed lotion and water on my legs while I shaved and brushed my teeth and then she sniffed my entire body to make sure I smelled good. What are best friends for?"
2) "My girlfriend and I go to different school around 700 miles apart, which really sucks for relationships but also for the lack of sex. So I hadn't seen her in about 100 days, which for horny 18 year olds is an entirety. So for Thanksgiving break, I decided to fly down early and visit her at school. The obvious course of action was to have sex and thankfully her roommate wasn't there. After having done the deed, we decided to lay there thinking we had all the time in the world since her roommate wasn't there. Wrong. Her roommate decided to waltz right in with out even giving a second thought. Thankfully we stopped her before she saw anything, but that was how I met my girlfriend's freshman year roommate."
3) "So my boyfriend and I were having drunk sex in his dorm room. There was alcohol everywhere. Anyways, we heard a knock on the door and he said, "Be louder and maybe they'll leave." The knocking continued and my boyfriend rushed the the door, ass naked and when he opened the door, it was a cop. Oh shit. To hide the alcohol I ran up to the door wrapped in a blanket just to let the cop know it was a bad time. Lol. Luckily the cop was looking for some other guy that lived in that dorm. After that mishap, my boyfriend lost his boner...yay me."
4) "I fucked a guy in my lofted dorm room bed, and three of my friends later sent me videos of the sounds they could hear through the walls :))))) Awesome."
5) "I was having sex with this guy for the first time, and I'm a really chatty person. Like REALLY chatty. So anyways we're fucking and his face is like three inches from mine and I was like, "did you get a haircut?" I quickly realized that this probably wasn't the time to ask, and I guess he agreed, because he said, "oh my god shut the fuck up." and put his hand over my mouth." I cringe every time I think about it.
SURVEY RESULTS ARE IN!!!: Why is Mandie Single?
Guys, I officially know why I'm single! thanks for voting. Here's why I'm single:
It's because I can't pronounce "ibuprofen." I had a feeling that was why.
It's because I can't pronounce "ibuprofen." I had a feeling that was why.
Part 5: How to Hit on a Hot Guy While You're Making Him A Burrito
A problem that plagues all of us: You're on your 6th hour of your shift at Chipotle, sweat dripping down the back of your neck, guacamole all over your apron, and hands shaking as you try to roll the tall white guy's double chicken burrito with triple cheese and extra sour cream. Suddenly, he comes in. Your own version of Christian Grey. Or Edward Cullen. Or Jack Dawson. It's up to you, really. But no matter which Hollywood sex icon he is to you, the point is that he's so sexy that the idea of sucking on his sweaty balls after he runs a marathon doesn't sound half bad. But what do you do? How can you get the message across that you want his genitals in your every orifice without getting fired for 1) sexual assault, 2) touching yourself during work, or 3) inappropriate comments to customers...?
We all have this problem (right?), so I've put together tried and true (okay well none of them have actually worked YET, but I know they will so it's fine) tips for how to get him inside of your asshole by the end of your shift, no matter how burritoey you might smell:
We all have this problem (right?), so I've put together tried and true (okay well none of them have actually worked YET, but I know they will so it's fine) tips for how to get him inside of your asshole by the end of your shift, no matter how burritoey you might smell:
1) "Can I get you anything else with that?" is a typical, polite thing for a food service employee to say after a customer orders their meal. So say this, but it's very important that you do this stretch while doing so:
2) Bend and snap. Works every time. Except that one time. But we don't talk about that one time.
3) Ask them if they would prefer a salad. Offer to toss said salad.
That's all for now, kids. I've been crazy busy this week, sorry for slacking! Don't forget to send in funny shiz :)
Ily
-Mandieeeeee
Ps- not IN a blimp, ON a blimp.
OH MY GOD I ACCIDENTALLY LABELED THIS POST 1/26/15. . . 2015. GUYS HELP I'M NOT READY FOR 2017 I'M STILL STUCK IN MY JUNIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL APPARENTLY.
Part 1: A Poem by Me
What I've Learned in College: A Poem by Yours Truly, Mandie
I've learned quite a lot in college,
I learned none of it in class;
Honestly I mostly learned
just how much guys like ass.
I'm proud to say that I now know
how much is too much booze,
And I learned not to party
in your favorite pair of shoes.
I learned that tongue rings make boys think
you want to suck their dick,
I also learned that too much cherry vodka
makes you sick.
I learned about true friendship
and that sharing rooms is fun,
but I also learned that thirsty Thursdays
don't get homework done.
I learned that without kitties I can live
but I can't thrive,
I also learned that, when it comes to shots,
"too much" is five.
I now know what it's truly like to be completely broke,
and also what it's like to be fingered to be woke.
Boys, if I'm asleep, PLEASE let me stay asleep in bed,
All I ask is that you wait till I'm awake to ask for head.
I've learned quite a lot in college,
I learned none of it in class;
Honestly I mostly learned
just how much guys like ass.
I'm proud to say that I now know
how much is too much booze,
And I learned not to party
in your favorite pair of shoes.
I learned that tongue rings make boys think
you want to suck their dick,
I also learned that too much cherry vodka
makes you sick.
I learned about true friendship
and that sharing rooms is fun,
but I also learned that thirsty Thursdays
don't get homework done.
I learned that without kitties I can live
but I can't thrive,
I also learned that, when it comes to shots,
"too much" is five.
I now know what it's truly like to be completely broke,
and also what it's like to be fingered to be woke.
Boys, if I'm asleep, PLEASE let me stay asleep in bed,
All I ask is that you wait till I'm awake to ask for head.
Part 2: Why am I Single?
I was recently thinking, why am I single? And by "recently," I mean every day for the past 18 years, 10 months, and 20 days. I came up with some possible reasons, and I think you guys should vote on them so that I can figure out what exactly is wrong with me so that maybe a male human will want to spend the rest of his life with me, and maybe stick things in my various holes from time to time. I will let you know the results in the next post, so that not only I will know what's wrong with me, but you guys will too, so that in case any of you ever make the mistake of thinking you want to date me, you'll know precisely why you're dangerously incorrect.
So, kids. . . I ask you: Why am I single?
So, kids. . . I ask you: Why am I single?
Thanks for your input, it really helps.
Part 3: Submissions by YOU GUYS!
Thanks for your submissions guys! I love youuuuuuuu. Keep 'em coming! Also keep 'em cumming. I'm good at the latter.
1) "When my boyfriend told me his roommate was going to be out of town i obviously had to take advantage...so you know we're getting it on and all, and then we hear the doorknob start turning. We immediately both freak out because we're here fucking butt naked and all of a sudden his roommate opens the fucking door...I kid you not we sat there for a solid minute just starring shockingly at him while he did the same to us until my boyfriend finally yelled at him "DUDE CLOSE THE FUCKING DOOR" (damn right). not only did he bring his friend who was visiting from a different school, but it was also the roommate's birthday the following day :') . . . I told him that my present for him was a view of my naked body..he left moments later and told my boyfriend and I that we can go on and continue now that he's gone. . .no thanks."
2) "When I got my wisdom teeth out and was sitting in the recovery room, my mother had decided that it would be good to mention a story about a kid who was talking about ISIS after his wisdom teeth taken out. My drugged up brain decided to make the connection that ISIS was attacking the clinic that I was getting my wisdom teeth taken out at. As I was stumbling out of the clinic, I was yelling at the top of my lungs that ISIS was attacking. Needless to say, I scared a few people that day."
3) Marissa sent me this picture of a sign on somebody's car at Trader Joe's. I 100% respect religious people, and I come from a religious family, so I'm not making fun of that. Don't get all offended and PC. But something about this is really funny to me and I'm not entirely sure what it is. Perhaps it's that she thinks Jesus and God are walking by her car and reading her note? Perhaps it's the fact that it's just a sheet of paper taped to the window? I don't know, tbh. But either way, I think it's really funny. Sorry.
ALSO why is every word capitalized? This is bullshit and I will not stand for this unnecessary capitalization.
ALSO why is every word capitalized? This is bullshit and I will not stand for this unnecessary capitalization.
4) "A girl I'd been fucking for less than a month wrote me a love letter and slipped it in my backpack while I was sleeping. The opening line included "you are purely indescribable." The ending line stated that she'll "love [me] forever and never leave [me]." We weren't even dating. She also drew me a picture of us standing on top of the world with a heart in an infinity sign to the moon and back."
Part 4: How to Tell if Your Boyfriend is Secretly Gay
1) He says, "I'm secretly gay."
2) He jerks off to the scene in Twilight in which Jacob takes his shirt off, and then says he wasn't really watching, it just happened to be on and his dick happened to get really really hard.
3) He cringes when you take off your bra, and you aren't even that ugly
4) His version of dirty talk is saying, "babe I'm straight I swear" during sex.
5) His excuse to not have sex is that The Bachelor is on and he can't miss another episode
6) He says shit like, "I'm straight but I think I'd be more into you if you were a man."
2) He jerks off to the scene in Twilight in which Jacob takes his shirt off, and then says he wasn't really watching, it just happened to be on and his dick happened to get really really hard.
3) He cringes when you take off your bra, and you aren't even that ugly
4) His version of dirty talk is saying, "babe I'm straight I swear" during sex.
5) His excuse to not have sex is that The Bachelor is on and he can't miss another episode
6) He says shit like, "I'm straight but I think I'd be more into you if you were a man."
I LOVE YOU ALL!
Don't forget to submit funny shiz :) Thanks babezzzzz.
remember, not IN a blimp, ON a blimp.
-Mandieeeee
Don't forget to submit funny shiz :) Thanks babezzzzz.
remember, not IN a blimp, ON a blimp.
-Mandieeeee
Sup hoes,
It's Tuesday! You know what that means! Well, I hope you do, anyways, because I don't. Other than it's the second day of the week and I'm already ready for the weekend.
Anyways, here goes:
It's Tuesday! You know what that means! Well, I hope you do, anyways, because I don't. Other than it's the second day of the week and I'm already ready for the weekend.
Anyways, here goes:
Part 1: A Poem
I want to apologize ahead of time for how...erm...graphic... this poem is, but please enjoy:
I Fucked All Your Friends:a poem about Mandie, by Mandie
I fucked all your friends
and your teacher Ms. Toms,
I had sex with your cousins
and even their moms!
I banged all your uncles and also your granny
I even fooled 'round with your mom's best friend Franny,
I made out with your dog sitter, I fingered your aunt,
I sucked off your neighbor, that blonde guy named Grant.
Your roommate and I may or may not have spooned,
and also did other things- I ain't no prude.
I've seen your dentist naked twice,
and the receptionist's body was also quite nice.
I've licked lots of Lucy, your cute new girlfriend,
I think that relationship should probably end.
I'm not gonna lie, I slept with your trainer,
After seeing his abs it was quite a no-brainer.
I think that's all the fun I'll have for the week,
but soon I'll bang your dad, I've heard he's a freak.
I Fucked All Your Friends:a poem about Mandie, by Mandie
I fucked all your friends
and your teacher Ms. Toms,
I had sex with your cousins
and even their moms!
I banged all your uncles and also your granny
I even fooled 'round with your mom's best friend Franny,
I made out with your dog sitter, I fingered your aunt,
I sucked off your neighbor, that blonde guy named Grant.
Your roommate and I may or may not have spooned,
and also did other things- I ain't no prude.
I've seen your dentist naked twice,
and the receptionist's body was also quite nice.
I've licked lots of Lucy, your cute new girlfriend,
I think that relationship should probably end.
I'm not gonna lie, I slept with your trainer,
After seeing his abs it was quite a no-brainer.
I think that's all the fun I'll have for the week,
but soon I'll bang your dad, I've heard he's a freak.
Part 2: How To Get Rid of That Guy in Your Class With Hairy Ears and Smells Weird Who Probably Wants to Put Things in Your Butt (suggested by Marissa Adamski)
So let's say that *hypothetically* you went to a *hypothetical* school in California that was *hypothetically* called Moorpark College, and you were *hypothetically* taking a history class, and you sat next to a *hypothetical* creepy dude who asked for your number and you caved and gave it to him... now what do you do?
You guys, this is a no brainer. C'mon.
I have put together a collection of shirts you can wear that will (most likely) get him to leave you alone. You're welcome.
You guys, this is a no brainer. C'mon.
I have put together a collection of shirts you can wear that will (most likely) get him to leave you alone. You're welcome.
you're welcome <3
Part 3: Weird Chipotle Customers Make the World Go 'Round
In case you didn't know, I work at chipotle. It's cLIT! Actually, it's very mediocre but duuuude I get paid more than minimum wage and BRO I GET FREE CHIPOTLE WHEN I WORK AND 50% OFF WHEN I DON'T. That's fuckin rad. I wanna work at chipotle #forevz. Also, the other employees are swell.
^omg same
1) 20-something-year-old guy: "can I have some of the white stringy stuff?"
me: "you mean...cheese?..."
2) Today a (very large) 9 or 10-year-old boy ordered two 2 burrito bowls. Here's what he got in them: Double chicken, triple cheese, and hot sauce. Welcome to America. I watched in astonishment and disgust as he (terrifyingly quickly) ate both of them in front of me, as he sat at the table right in front of the register. My coworkers said he comes in all the time...I wish I was making this up.
me: "you mean...cheese?..."
2) Today a (very large) 9 or 10-year-old boy ordered two 2 burrito bowls. Here's what he got in them: Double chicken, triple cheese, and hot sauce. Welcome to America. I watched in astonishment and disgust as he (terrifyingly quickly) ate both of them in front of me, as he sat at the table right in front of the register. My coworkers said he comes in all the time...I wish I was making this up.
Part 4: Awkward Hookup Stories Submitted by You Guys!!
You guys are slacking, tbh. Please keep submitting stories or I might have to cut out this segment in future installments of IT'S cLIT! and c'mon, nobody wants that. SO STEP IT UP, BITCHES. HAVE MORE AWKWARD SEX PLEASE.
1) "When I was a high school freshman, this guy I was seeing wanted a blowjob. I was an innocent little thing and said no. He kept asking and was super horny and said I was going to give him blue balls, so I told him to jerk off over the trash can. He did, and I told some friends (because I was an asshole), and everybody called him Cum Dumpster for months"
2) "I was making out with a guy in the dorm lounge, and he wanted me to suck his dick...in the public dorm lounge. To convince me, he told me that his small hands didn't correlate to the size of his dick. Despite this convincing argument, I said no, and he got up, adjusted his dick, and said "Down, boy." Like you would to a dog. I wanted to die."
3) "So there was this girl in high school. . .I moved there in my sophomore year and we met through sports. After a few years, we were good friends. We were into each other, but since I was moving to go to college it was pretty obvious I was never gonna get with her. She texted me her address during the last week of school and told me to come over. My oblivious self was like, "oh cool, I've always wanted to hang out with her." I show up and her dad's still there, and she tells me to drive around the block a few times. "I'm like why lol we're just gonna hang out. She said that we couldn't hang out if he was there, so I drove around the block a few times and I pull in and she comes out and leads me in by the hand. We immediately go to her room where she pulls out a box of condoms and tells me to take off my clothes. It took me a few seconds to realize that I was so dumb for not seeing that was what she meant. Well anyways neither of us have clothes on anymore, and she's on top while we're on her floor. Thirty minutes go on and we switch positions a few times, it was okay to say the most. Well a minute or so later I realize how much she's sweating. ITS A LOT. And some of it gets into my eyes and I tell her I can't see so, she tells me to go wash out my eyes. At this point I'm in her bathroom, naked with nothing on but a condom. Her dad pulls back into the driveway and walks into the house asking her who's here. From then on he didn't know me as the kid who played sports for the local high school, but as the kid inside his house with nothing on but a condom. Anyway I got the fuck outta there and it was super awkward because I sat next to her a graduation which was a few days later and we never talked again."
Thanks for reading, guys! I lurve yew.
Remember, not IN a blimp, ON a blimp.
-Mandie
ps: the guac is extra.
Remember, not IN a blimp, ON a blimp.
-Mandie
ps: the guac is extra.
Sup bitches,
We did it, kids. We made it. It's Sexy Sunday. Also Swallow-it Sunday, Suckable Sunday, Scandalous Sunday, Sleep-with-your-friend's-Sister Sunday, and, of course, Slutty Sunday!! And if you're me, it's Single Sunday, but hey, that's every day.
Now, that's enough foreplay. Now lets get to the main event:
We did it, kids. We made it. It's Sexy Sunday. Also Swallow-it Sunday, Suckable Sunday, Scandalous Sunday, Sleep-with-your-friend's-Sister Sunday, and, of course, Slutty Sunday!! And if you're me, it's Single Sunday, but hey, that's every day.
Now, that's enough foreplay. Now lets get to the main event:
Part 1: A Poem
#Goals A Poem by Me, Obviously
One dildo
two dildo
red dildo
blue dildo,
just kidding I have seventeen,
I'm not trying to brag
or to make you feel bad,
but this pink one's the best that I've seen.
It cost more than your Louis Vuitton,
and more than that cruise you went on,
its got sparkles and glitter
and, I ain't no bullshitter-
It's quite the pleasure machine.
It fits in all of my holes,
and if that isn't #goals
then I'm not sure what #goals even means.
One dildo
two dildo
red dildo
blue dildo,
just kidding I have seventeen,
I'm not trying to brag
or to make you feel bad,
but this pink one's the best that I've seen.
It cost more than your Louis Vuitton,
and more than that cruise you went on,
its got sparkles and glitter
and, I ain't no bullshitter-
It's quite the pleasure machine.
It fits in all of my holes,
and if that isn't #goals
then I'm not sure what #goals even means.
Part 2: How To Be the Prettiest Girl at the Party
Well, I should start by clarifying. Obviously if I'm at the party, these tips aren't going to help you guys; let's be realistic. However, if you ever find yourself at a party which I am not attending (which is very few parties, I might add– I quite enjoy parties), you totally have a chance of being the prettiest girl at the party!
1) It's time to face the facts: at some point in the night, a really drunk idiot is going to spill his beer on you. It might be a little, it might be a lot, but you aren't going to want to be wearing your new light grey top with white jeans, unless you like looking like somebody peed on you.
1) It's time to face the facts: at some point in the night, a really drunk idiot is going to spill his beer on you. It might be a little, it might be a lot, but you aren't going to want to be wearing your new light grey top with white jeans, unless you like looking like somebody peed on you.
2) Idk, a nose job maybe?
3) Dye your hair blonde. You know, not like BLONDE blonde, just blonde. The kind of blonde that's not too blonde but still blonde. Just like blonde without being blonde so people aren't like "oh she's blonde," but you're still blonde. So people are like, "is she blonde?" Like that kind of blonde. SO like blonde, but without all the blonde so it's not like BLONDE blonde. So you are blonde but you aren't a blonde. You feel me? Blonde. Wow blonde doesn't seem like a real word to me anymore.
4) Make sure he drinks a lot of alcohol. He'll think you're hot as hell even if you look more like a disabled, one-eyed, toothless chihuahua than a girl.
5) No matter how skinny you are, we all have that one pair of jeans that gives you a muffin top. Like, a REALLY BAD ONE. DON'T WEAR THOSE JEANS.
4) Make sure he drinks a lot of alcohol. He'll think you're hot as hell even if you look more like a disabled, one-eyed, toothless chihuahua than a girl.
5) No matter how skinny you are, we all have that one pair of jeans that gives you a muffin top. Like, a REALLY BAD ONE. DON'T WEAR THOSE JEANS.
Part 3: Awkward Hookup Stories submitted by YOU GUYS!
1) "I was at a Halloween party, and I was extremely belligerent, thanks to beer and excessive amounts of jet fuel. I met this guy who was wearing a cow onesie, and we chatted for a bit. We separated, and I made out with a guy that I knew pretty well. In the back of the truck on the way back to campus, I found myself next to the guy in the cow onesie again. We cuddled because it was freezing cold. Somehow we ended up "going home" together. We were making out and I gave him a hand job but I was on my period so we couldn't fuck. When I told him this, he stood up, told me that he had to do something early in the morning, and left."
2) "I grew up on a horse farm. So, of course everyone has heard about the classic, “roll in the hay” saying. Well when you’re from a small farm town and you’re desperate, it’s not just a fucking saying. As a kid I always heard stories of my older brother and his friends hooking up in the hay loft of our barn when my parents were home and they had no place else to be. Then as we all got older, I heard stories about my older sister hooking up in the hay loft too, right above our horses. Those poor creatures hear it all. One night my boyfriend was over watching a movie on my couch, we started fucking around and we wanted to have sex. My bedroom is across the hall from my parents’ and the bedposts hit the wall, my cat always tries to sleep on my pillow, the dog barks, so my room wasn’t really an option. My brother was in his room in the basement, so that wasn’t an option. And I thought, why not make it super classy and try the mythical hay loft. I’d heard such great reviews. I gathered a blanket and took a few of my parents’ beers from the fridge (because we were being classy, remember?) and we headed to the barn. I climbed the ladder to the loft in the dark. I peek up into the loft and see two bodies already on the hay bales. It was my sister and her new boyfriend fucking. Never ever in my life did I need to see this. I just about fell the fuck off the ladder. So I duck down and tell him its not happening and we got the fuck out of there real quick. Needless to say, I wasn’t feeling like sex anymore so he just went home and I went to bed. Nothing was ever said to me so I’m led to believe they didn’t know I saw."
3) "I was driving around with a boy one night who I had a crush on for about a year. We made some stops around town until he finally asked if I wanted to hook up (fucking finally). I said yeah, so we try to find a spot where we could park the car and get in the backseat. I suggested a not very well lit parking lot at a park that is infamously known as a good place to get high (back when recreational marijuana use was illegal in California). So we pull in, park, and get in the backseat. We had not even touched each other when the guy I had a crush on saw someone approaching the car with a flashlight. So we both duck, praying that whoever it is doesn’t find us and carries on with their night. Of course that wasn’t the case. At one point the boy checks to see what was going on and puts his head up to look through the window. Surprise surprise the flashlight is shining right in his face. So much for that plan. The officer asks him and I to step out of the vehicle and asks a few questions. I let the boy do all the answering. “Can I see your licenses” *hands officer licenses* “How old are you” “18” “What were you doing” *moment of silence* “…..We were about to kiss” “Are there any illegal substances in your car?” “no” with which the cop replied “okay you can go, just do it at home”. The whole time i was thinking "of course this would happennnn". Finally, after a year of crushing on him and a fucking cop comes to ruin it. We ended up going somewhere else and made out with the time we had left before I had to go home. I gotta admit, he was actually a terrible kisser. We haven’t spoken to each other since."
Part 4: How to Choose Good Friends
1) make sure they don't have lice
2) Ask them to spell chrysanthemum.
3) Ask them to tie your shoes. If they do it without question, they're a keeper...UNLESS they tie shoes the fuckin "bunny ear" way...
4) Ask if they have a hot older brother who has the same weird fetish as you
5) Tell them about that time you saw a very naked lady in the gym locker room, and that now you're worried your nipples are too small. Then, ask them to show you their nipple, and show them yours. If they say yes, congratulations! This is friendship. If they say no, well...this is awkward. But hey, at least you ruled one out! Don't worry, there are plenty more fish in the see who will gladly show you their nipples when you need it most. (@Marissa and Monica)
Part 5: Tips for Guys-How to Get Bitches at a Party
1) Bring your dog
2) Hold a bottle of Malibu
3) Lay down and pretend you've passed out. Girls will quickly gather around you in concern
4) Idk, a nose job?
Please help a sister out and send in funny shit! I have some suggestions below:
-Awkward hookup stories
-Funny quotes from drunk people
-Dumb shit you said after getting your wisdom teeth out (when you were all loopy)
-Embarrassing things you did in middle school because you thought you were cool
-LITERALLY FUCKING ANYTHING EVEN MILDLY ENTERTAINING
-Funny quotes from drunk people
-Dumb shit you said after getting your wisdom teeth out (when you were all loopy)
-Embarrassing things you did in middle school because you thought you were cool
-LITERALLY FUCKING ANYTHING EVEN MILDLY ENTERTAINING
I LOVE YOU ALL THANKS FOR READING!
And remember, not IN a blimp, ON a blimp.
-Mandieeeeee
And remember, not IN a blimp, ON a blimp.
-Mandieeeeee
Guys! Today we begin with a joke:
yesterday, my friend asked me if I got a 4.0 last semester.
that's it. LOL best joke I've heard in a long time.
Anyways....Here goes
yesterday, my friend asked me if I got a 4.0 last semester.
that's it. LOL best joke I've heard in a long time.
Anyways....Here goes
Part 1: A Poem by Your Prettiest Friend (that's me, but you knew that already).
Things I'd Rather Receive Than Your Dick Pic A poem by Mandie
There are so many things I would rather you send
than a pic of your weiner, my darling male friend.
You could send me a jar of your trimmed off nose hairs
or a really large box of super gross, rotten pears.
You could send me a lollipop with a worm for a stick,
I'd still rather have that than a pic of your dick.
You could mail me a pair of cute shoes that won't fit me,
a really large bucket of really old cat pee,
a chair that collapses the moment I sit,
a diaper containing newborn baby shit.
A letter that reads, "I've killed all the people you love,"
or confirmation I'm damned from the gods up above.
You could send me a knife with a blade for a handle,
or dynamite that looks a lot like a candle.
A gift certificate for 12 colonoscopies,
A book full of all Hitler's favorite philosophies.
Send me a stinkbug or a cyanide-filled fig,
Just PLEASE not your penis, no matter how big.
There are so many things I would rather you send
than a pic of your weiner, my darling male friend.
You could send me a jar of your trimmed off nose hairs
or a really large box of super gross, rotten pears.
You could send me a lollipop with a worm for a stick,
I'd still rather have that than a pic of your dick.
You could mail me a pair of cute shoes that won't fit me,
a really large bucket of really old cat pee,
a chair that collapses the moment I sit,
a diaper containing newborn baby shit.
A letter that reads, "I've killed all the people you love,"
or confirmation I'm damned from the gods up above.
You could send me a knife with a blade for a handle,
or dynamite that looks a lot like a candle.
A gift certificate for 12 colonoscopies,
A book full of all Hitler's favorite philosophies.
Send me a stinkbug or a cyanide-filled fig,
Just PLEASE not your penis, no matter how big.
Part 2: Awkward Hookup Stories Submitted by you guys!
1) "i went to a frat date party with my friend the other night (even though i really didn't want to) with a boy i had met one night before while very intoxicated. well long story short, i got very drunk again (like the terribly forgetful kind of drunk!!) and ended up going home with the boy WITHOUT MY PHONE AND WITHOUT TELLING MY FRIEND! GREAT IDEA RIGHT!!!?? anyways, so everything was chillin until i woke up the next day and had 30 missed calls on my phone and the boy i had been with got a text from HIS MOM saying, "hey two girls called me last night looking for their roommate who you were with?!!! what's going on?!!?!" i was mortified. he then walked me back to my dorm and i didn't have a key to get in so i had to get a random person to let me in. it was the most obvious walk of shame EVER. later that day, the police came to my dorm because my mom had filed me as a missing person or something!!!! great day!! great decisions!! not drinking for a while!"
2) One from me that I'll actually admit is my own bc I have no shame: I was at a frat party, and I was hammered. I met this guy, we'll call him Doug, and he lived at the frat house and gave me shots, so I was thrilled. I went in his bedroom to take a few shots and hang out with all the other people in there. I smoked hookah for the first (and probably only) time, talked to everyone, and was hanging out and having a blast. My friend Abbey came with me to the party, but she was off flirting with some other kid in the frat. GODDAMMIT ABIGAIL. Anyways, Doug wasn't really talking to me, but I didn't care because I had no interest in him anyway. He's like this massive, blonde, super muscular kid, and I tend to go for guys that resemble string beans. The scrawnier the better. Almost all the guys I've hooked up with have been like 6'3 and under 130 pounds I swear to god. ANYWAYS, so I'm mingling and whatnot, and then Doug started talking to me. He gave me a sip of whatever he was drinking, it was neon blue and tasted like a blend of pain, sadness, and the depths of hell. He made some sort of movie reference that I didn't get, and when he realized I didn't get it, he was like like, "have you not seen the movie White Chicks?" I said no, and he got it out and turned on the movie. I sat on the arm of the couch, and he turned off the light and I started watching. He pulled me next to him, and it was at this point that I realized there was no longer anybody else in the room. Oh. So I figured I knew what was about to happen, but I was so drunk that I didn't really care. Let's just say I was on the couch in front of the TV for about an hour and a half, and I still have not seen White Chicks, if you get what I mean. We were making out and clothes were coming off, and he got up and went to the bathroom for a minute. During this minute, Abbey opened the bedroom door, and I quickly put my jacket on. I said "guess what...I'm not wearing a shirt. or a bra." and she was like "oh, um..." and she left to leave us to it. He got back from the bathroom, took my jacket off, and we continued the fun (we didn't have sex, despite his efforts–just clarifying. IM NOT THAT KINDA GAL.) Anywho, then I had to pee, and got up to go to the bathroom. When I came back, he was gone. I was like "okay, whatever," because honestly I couldn't have cared less. I got dressed and went back to the party. Then I walked back to his room, no more than 5 minutes later. I opened the door, and he's making out with some blonde chick. They walk out of the room like 30 minutes later, and I walked up to her and said "did you guys fuck??" (I have no filter when I'm dunk) and she was like "ummm...yeah..." Well, since I wouldn't have sex with him, I'm glad he found someone else to do the job!
Doug texted me nonstop for the next week and got very, very few responses. It's great though because I see him at the gym ALL :) THE :) TIME :). Lucky me.
Doug texted me nonstop for the next week and got very, very few responses. It's great though because I see him at the gym ALL :) THE :) TIME :). Lucky me.
3) BONUS STORY TIME!! not hookup related, but still funny: "I was at a bar with my boyfriend, and he was wasted. I was pretty much completely sober. We were chatting with this guy we met at the bar, and the guy says to my boyfriend, "She's a keeper!" referencing me, obviously. My boyfriend responds, "Yeah, I know. She showers every single day!"
W h a t.
W h a t.
Part 3: Awkward Losing-Your-Virginity Stories, Submitted by YOU GUYS!
Sounds like you guys had pretty awkward first times. Honestly, I'm surprised you found anyone to have sex with you! With a face like that?? No way. Not possible
But if you aren't lying, and someone really DID have sex with you, then
Wait a second...did you pay them? Ok that makes a lot more sense. Anyways, here are the stories:
1) "My freshman year of high school I was dating the same kid for almost a year. So I’m 15, and I have no idea what I’m doing and he was sort of a perv. I was his first too but he always knew what to do and I just listened and did what I was told. Okay… so the summer after my freshman year I was staying at my grandmother’s house at the shore and my parents were down for the week so they brought my boyfriend to sleep in the room next to mine. Of course when my parents went to bed to probably have sex themselves, I snuck into his room. There on my mother’s horribly picked out zebra-striped sheets, he took my clothes off and I took his off. It was a long process because the bedroom touched my parents’ and we kept hitting elbows and knees on the wall. Anyway so I lost my sweet, sweet innocence on the ugliest set of sheets I’ve ever seen in my life. I ended up breaking up with him the next week because I was so freaked out that my parents knew what we did and somehow breaking up with him seemed like it would make it better. I’m now 19 years old and have the enjoyment of still seeing those fucking god awful zebra sheets on the bed in my sister’s old bedroom (which my best friend slept on over Christmas break. I’m so sorry Babe, even after 4 years I can’t get my mom to throw the damn sheets out. I’m too ashamed to tell her that I have PTSD every time I see them). "
2) "So when I was 17 me and my girlfriend went to see a movie (The Amazing Spiderman) and afterwards we head to lake where theres a giant parking lot. We start to make out in my mom’s car and then eventually and we take our clothes off and we start going at it. And these two drift cars show up and start to drift around the parking while were in the back seat fucking. And I ask her, “Should we stop?” and she says no, so we keep fucking. About 20 minutes later, some cops show up to pull over the drifters to give them tickets and they leave. The cops then notice the steamy car parked in the back. They pull up next to us, and like, we're still fucking. The cop gets out of the car and we're like, “Oh shit” and he shines his light into the car and sees us butt-ass naked. We pull our clothes back on and he lets us off. Andddddd that’s how I lost my virginity."'
3) So it was lowkey planned meaning we had discussed that it could happen since his parents were gone for the weekend. So we were in his bed making out and sexualness commenced. After a little while he got up to grab a condom and he put it on (after hella struggling for a bit) and so then he came over and was like ready? and i said yeah (super romatic right?) and he was about to, but then he was like well fuck its too soft through all that time spent putting it on etc so he started jacking himself off and then took the condom off to do it better and then i gave a blowjob to get him hard again. So once he was hard enough he tried to put the same condom back on. This obviously didn’t work and was like welp I don’t have another and I was like alright great. But then he remembered his dad had one somewhere so he snuck around the house and got that one. Of course he was soft again when he got back *im just laying there naked at this point very not turned on anymore* and we had to start the process all over again and finally he was hard and so he put it on and then came over to me and we successfully did the sex thing! Everything else went smoothly for the most part except for neither of us finished and both got leg cramps from weird unfamiliar positions.
Part 4: Part Messing With My Tinder Matches
I'm not gonna fuck them, so I might as well fuck with them.
1) You tryna plow?
2) Just being honest
3) Well he's not wrong.
Thanks for reading! Please submit your own tinder screenshots, funny stories, segment suggestions, literally anything! LOVE YOU!
Remember, not IN a blimp, ON a blimp.
-Mandie
Remember, not IN a blimp, ON a blimp.
-Mandie
Wussup ladies n gents?
Welcome to IT'S cLIT! Where it's always a party.
Guess what? The blog has been up for 5 days, and it's gotten 485 views this week by 58 different people! How cool is that?
Welcome to IT'S cLIT! Where it's always a party.
Guess what? The blog has been up for 5 days, and it's gotten 485 views this week by 58 different people! How cool is that?
I've always wanted to be famous. I can't believe I've finally reached Kardashian levels of fame :') Amazing. Truly amazing.
YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST your stories are so funny that people keep coming back! Thanks so much for all your segment suggestions and hilarious stories. Keep 'em coming! You can submit via the Contact Me/Submit page, or by emailing to [email protected] . The stories are always anonymous, so don't worry about people judging you. I've done a lot of dumb shit and have no right to judge anyone, so you're safe.
Anyways, let's get started.
YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST your stories are so funny that people keep coming back! Thanks so much for all your segment suggestions and hilarious stories. Keep 'em coming! You can submit via the Contact Me/Submit page, or by emailing to [email protected] . The stories are always anonymous, so don't worry about people judging you. I've done a lot of dumb shit and have no right to judge anyone, so you're safe.
Anyways, let's get started.
Part 1: A Poem
I'm Into Ear Stuff: A Poem by Mandie
He jizzed in my ear,
I'm not quite sure why.
And now I can't hear,
I really did try.
"Why did you do this?"
I angrily said.
"I had to, I always do ear stuff in bed."
I wanted to kick him
straight in the balls,
but my neighbors might hear,
we have really thin walls.
I now have an infection,
my doctor said "hun,
his massive erection
has destroyed your eardrum."
I sat there, all quiet,
a tear on my cheek,
my ear could no longer be filled with his seed.
I might not be able to hear ever again,
but hey its okay because good things must end.
He jizzed in my ear,
I'm not quite sure why.
And now I can't hear,
I really did try.
"Why did you do this?"
I angrily said.
"I had to, I always do ear stuff in bed."
I wanted to kick him
straight in the balls,
but my neighbors might hear,
we have really thin walls.
I now have an infection,
my doctor said "hun,
his massive erection
has destroyed your eardrum."
I sat there, all quiet,
a tear on my cheek,
my ear could no longer be filled with his seed.
I might not be able to hear ever again,
but hey its okay because good things must end.
Part 2: "Okay, so he came on my tits. Now what?" (Suggested by Tara Butterfield)
So he came. On your tits. You're sitting there, his unborn children on your bosom, looking at him with a "what now?" expression. He doesn't want his man juice on him either, so he excuses himself to go grab a drink from the fridge. He comes back, and you're still sitting there, your left nipple dripping onto your leg. You would shower, but your hair and makeup took 6 and a half hours and you're not ready to mess it up yet. Now what? Here's a girls' guide for what to do in this sticky (literally) situation:
OPTION 1) Find some peanut butter. Apply peanut butter to the area. Call his dog over. You know what you have to do.
OPTION 2) Cry.
OPTION 3) Call your mom and ask her what to do. I'm sure she has plenty of experience in this situation.
OPTION 4) Ask him what it is. "Whoa dude what is this shit all over my boob? It looks like condensed milk. Will you taste it and check?"
OPTION 5) Pray to god and ask jesus (politely! use manners!) for forgiveness. Then, ask them to kill you because there's literally no good way to get out of this situation.
OPTION 6) Washcloth with body soap on it. Actually, never mind. That's too much work. Just cry.
Let it go. Let it go. The jizz never bothered me anyway.
OPTION 1) Find some peanut butter. Apply peanut butter to the area. Call his dog over. You know what you have to do.
OPTION 2) Cry.
OPTION 3) Call your mom and ask her what to do. I'm sure she has plenty of experience in this situation.
OPTION 4) Ask him what it is. "Whoa dude what is this shit all over my boob? It looks like condensed milk. Will you taste it and check?"
OPTION 5) Pray to god and ask jesus (politely! use manners!) for forgiveness. Then, ask them to kill you because there's literally no good way to get out of this situation.
OPTION 6) Washcloth with body soap on it. Actually, never mind. That's too much work. Just cry.
Let it go. Let it go. The jizz never bothered me anyway.
Part 3: Texting terms that need to exist (Suggested by Tara)
-ISTIHSWYBBHIHTY: I'm sorry that I had sex with your brother, but he is hotter than you.
Example- George: "What the fuck Angela? You had sex with my brother???"
Angela: "ISTIHSWYBBHIHTY. . ."
-gway: GO AWAY, but shortened because you can't even bother to put the effort into typing the whole thing.
Example: Henry: "Hey bb u have such a nice ass like damn."
Lucy: "gway"
-LOL- lots of licking
Example: Kim: "Oh my gosh what did you and Kevin do last night??"
Casey: "LOL."
-JFKM: just fucking kill me.
ex: "my mom just kicked me out of the house because she said 57 is too old to still live at home with ny parents. JFKM."
-IBALWYMOWM: I'm bored and lonely, will you make out with me?
Example: Lizzie's tinder match: What's up sexy?
Lizzie: IBALWYMOWM?
-OMG: Oh! Michael's Gay?
Example: Jason: "Dude did you see Michael and Tony making out at that
insane party last Friday?"
Jack: "OMG??!!"
Example- George: "What the fuck Angela? You had sex with my brother???"
Angela: "ISTIHSWYBBHIHTY. . ."
-gway: GO AWAY, but shortened because you can't even bother to put the effort into typing the whole thing.
Example: Henry: "Hey bb u have such a nice ass like damn."
Lucy: "gway"
-LOL- lots of licking
Example: Kim: "Oh my gosh what did you and Kevin do last night??"
Casey: "LOL."
-JFKM: just fucking kill me.
ex: "my mom just kicked me out of the house because she said 57 is too old to still live at home with ny parents. JFKM."
-IBALWYMOWM: I'm bored and lonely, will you make out with me?
Example: Lizzie's tinder match: What's up sexy?
Lizzie: IBALWYMOWM?
-OMG: Oh! Michael's Gay?
Example: Jason: "Dude did you see Michael and Tony making out at that
insane party last Friday?"
Jack: "OMG??!!"
Part 4: Awkward Hookup Stories- Submitted by YOU GUYS!!
Thanks so much for your submissions!!! I got quite a few yesterday, so if yours isn't in here, don't fret! It'll sure as hell be in there tomorrow :) They were all so good that I wanted to spread them out a bit. You guys are the actual best. Thanks so much. Please keep submitting!! It's so fun!
1) FUNCTION BOY, THE SAGA: PART I:
"Wazzzuuppp its cLIT readers :’) I have a special story to share with you all.
This is just small part of a larger saga involving a former function date. This took place on the actual evening of the function while I was borderline blackout along with my date. After getting off the wrong bus stop to get home, BOY and I finally make it back and naturally, I started chugging beers when I arrived home to keep the drunkenness going. BOY was horny af, so we quickly make our way to the bedroom. We ~do it~ (it was a mediocre dickin) then we start chatting about dogs (a personal fave topic of mine) then we start getting down again. And since I was hammered af, I was feeling generous and went to give him a BJ. Now I NEVER give head because tbh it hurts my neck :/ but drunk me was like WHY TF NOT. SOOOOO I head on down south and LITERALLY AS SOON AS I MAKE CONTACT WITH THE PENIS HE FINISHES. THE BJ TOOK LEGITEMATLEY .07 SECONDS FOR HIM TO FINISH. While I like to tell myself that its because I’m so hot, its probably because he had very little sexual experience as evidence by his very average dickin abilities and general lack of knowledge of the female. I looked up and started laughing but BOY looked like he was about to cry. I appreciated that I literally had to do nothing, but he was embarrassed he finished so quickly.
Anywayyyyys that’s the story about the easiest blowjob I have ever given.:
"Wazzzuuppp its cLIT readers :’) I have a special story to share with you all.
This is just small part of a larger saga involving a former function date. This took place on the actual evening of the function while I was borderline blackout along with my date. After getting off the wrong bus stop to get home, BOY and I finally make it back and naturally, I started chugging beers when I arrived home to keep the drunkenness going. BOY was horny af, so we quickly make our way to the bedroom. We ~do it~ (it was a mediocre dickin) then we start chatting about dogs (a personal fave topic of mine) then we start getting down again. And since I was hammered af, I was feeling generous and went to give him a BJ. Now I NEVER give head because tbh it hurts my neck :/ but drunk me was like WHY TF NOT. SOOOOO I head on down south and LITERALLY AS SOON AS I MAKE CONTACT WITH THE PENIS HE FINISHES. THE BJ TOOK LEGITEMATLEY .07 SECONDS FOR HIM TO FINISH. While I like to tell myself that its because I’m so hot, its probably because he had very little sexual experience as evidence by his very average dickin abilities and general lack of knowledge of the female. I looked up and started laughing but BOY looked like he was about to cry. I appreciated that I literally had to do nothing, but he was embarrassed he finished so quickly.
Anywayyyyys that’s the story about the easiest blowjob I have ever given.:
2) "I had the good fortune to spend my summer worry–free in a house of my own with my best friend since 1st grade. Naturally, the search for friends of the beneficial kind began as soon as possible. Eventually I met a girl, and after many text messages and dysfunctional attempts to get together and do the deed, we were getting desperate. Her parents were staying at her house, so we threw down some blueprints, devised a plan, stopped thinking completely and decided she would sneak me in at night. I arrive at her house, park on the street and creep around back where we said we would meet. Champ that she was, she had a hammock and a bottle of wine. We killed an hour or so talking and fighting about how wine is nasty (it is), and shushing each other every time we heard a noise in the house. We decided it was time to make our move and started to creep through the door, the living room, up the stairs, down the hallway, and finally into her room. Safe. Undetected. 3 AM, the festivities are still in full swing. No clothes were permitted by this time, and we figured we had completely gotten away with everything. We thought we were completely safe until the moment her mom opened her bedroom door and made eye contact with her naked daughter and the equally naked guy going down on her. We all just looked at each other and shared that sacred moment. There we all stayed, in absolute silence until her mom (maintaining predatory eye contact) took a single step backwards and closed the door. After that I did what anyone in that situation would have done; got back in there for a bit, thanked her for probably the best story I have, and skirted the fuck out of there at 5 in the morning. I never saw or met her mom and to this day she’s never brought it up to her daughter. I don’t expect to be invited back…"
Much love!! Please submit your awkward stories, something stupid you did/said drunk, any topics you would like "tips" on, dumb shit you did in middle school, and literally anything mildly entertaining.
SO much love!
Remember, not IN a blimp, ON a blimp.
-Mandie
SO much love!
Remember, not IN a blimp, ON a blimp.
-Mandie
Hey kids! Welcome to IT'S cLIT! I'm super pumped that in the past 4 days, 48 different people have viewed the site!!! Woooooooo!
Part 1: A POEM OMG
Accidental Anal by me
But wait it's in my asshole,
I didn't want it there.
I told my boyfriend "nope, wrong hole,"
he didn't really care.
But wait it's in my asshole,
I do not want it here,
this happens accidentally
a few times every year.
accidental anal,
it's not my favorite thing,
so if you put it in my butt
you'd better buy me a ring.
this one, fortunately, was not inspired by real life events :) Thank u god and jesus and also Oprah Winfrey.
But wait it's in my asshole,
I didn't want it there.
I told my boyfriend "nope, wrong hole,"
he didn't really care.
But wait it's in my asshole,
I do not want it here,
this happens accidentally
a few times every year.
accidental anal,
it's not my favorite thing,
so if you put it in my butt
you'd better buy me a ring.
this one, fortunately, was not inspired by real life events :) Thank u god and jesus and also Oprah Winfrey.
Part 2: "It's Not a Phase, Mom": Dumb Shit You Did in Middle School and Still Don't Know Why (suggested by Tara Butterfield)
Thanks for submitting terribly awkward shit you did in middle school. Middle school was a truly tragic time. Here goes:
1) "In 6th grade I wore two different colored Converse, 1 pink one and one green one, and thought it was really cool. So did all my friends, obviously, because, not to brag, but it was #fashion at it's finest. I told them all that I bought them like that, as a pair, and they were all so confused as to why they couldn't find them at any store.
1) "In 6th grade I wore two different colored Converse, 1 pink one and one green one, and thought it was really cool. So did all my friends, obviously, because, not to brag, but it was #fashion at it's finest. I told them all that I bought them like that, as a pair, and they were all so confused as to why they couldn't find them at any store.
2) "There was a kid in my 7th grade science class who broke his arm. He had a really cool glow-in-the dark cast, and I was super jealous. A few days later I fell, and had a huge bruise on my arm. I convinced my parents it was broken. They took me for X-Rays, but the doctor didn't find anything. I cried and told him how much it "hurt," and he told me it was probably a fracture on my growth plate, which wouldn't be visible in an X-Ray. . .guess who got a glow-in-the-dark cast?"
3) "In 8th grade, I was talking to two girls. One of them walked away, and the other one said, "she's so pretty." Without thinking, I said "yeah she is really pretty...for an asian."
Part 3: Awkward Stories Submitted by YOU GUYS!
1) "In my senior year of high school in Econ, this guy had to use his laptop for a presentation in front of the class. He goes to the front, opens his computer, and full-blast porn noises start playing in front of everyone. He was completely unfazed, and exited out of it after like 7 really awkward seconds. The teacher said nothing."
2) "I was super hammered and I was hanging out with this guy. He was pretty much sober at this point. We were making out in his bed, and then I suddenly pulled away and threw up...in his bed. I felt so bad and I cleaned his sheets, and then he asked if I wanted to keep making out. . .ew."
3) "My best friend and I always go out on the weekends together. She’s normally pretty hammered and off trying to find boys to talk to, so this weekend I was surprised to find her actually on the dance floor with a guy. So, being the awkward friend, I danced near them and made faces at her when he wasn’t looking. A friend of the guy walks up and says to me that his friend saw her from across the room and had to dance with her. Again being the awkward friend I just laughed and he walked away. And ohmyfuckinggod, he was hot, let me tell you. So I tell the guy dancing with my friend to make him come back because I want him to dance with me. He calls him over and before we say anything I look back at my friend and she's sucking on his face, I mean they were really going at it, like wild animals. Anyway, so the hot guys looking at them too and I say, “wow that was fast” and he said, “I bet we could be faster” and then we started kissing. We lost our friends and asked someone if they’d seen them and they said they saw people on the couch. So we walk over and this fucking hoe is on the couch straddling him and sucking face with the guy. We plop down next to them facing the same way, I tap my friend on the shoulder and we start making out. The boys looked at each other and high fived. And I don’t really remember the rest.
2) "I was super hammered and I was hanging out with this guy. He was pretty much sober at this point. We were making out in his bed, and then I suddenly pulled away and threw up...in his bed. I felt so bad and I cleaned his sheets, and then he asked if I wanted to keep making out. . .ew."
3) "My best friend and I always go out on the weekends together. She’s normally pretty hammered and off trying to find boys to talk to, so this weekend I was surprised to find her actually on the dance floor with a guy. So, being the awkward friend, I danced near them and made faces at her when he wasn’t looking. A friend of the guy walks up and says to me that his friend saw her from across the room and had to dance with her. Again being the awkward friend I just laughed and he walked away. And ohmyfuckinggod, he was hot, let me tell you. So I tell the guy dancing with my friend to make him come back because I want him to dance with me. He calls him over and before we say anything I look back at my friend and she's sucking on his face, I mean they were really going at it, like wild animals. Anyway, so the hot guys looking at them too and I say, “wow that was fast” and he said, “I bet we could be faster” and then we started kissing. We lost our friends and asked someone if they’d seen them and they said they saw people on the couch. So we walk over and this fucking hoe is on the couch straddling him and sucking face with the guy. We plop down next to them facing the same way, I tap my friend on the shoulder and we start making out. The boys looked at each other and high fived. And I don’t really remember the rest.
Part 4: Dumb Shit Drunk People Said (suggested by Emily Gessner)
Please enjoy the following direct quotes from plastered people, kindly provided by you guys:
1) “Even when I’m sober, I think the word aquarium is really funny. I was telling my friends you know… aquarium. And then they just stared at me”
“Please text any of your friends right now the word aquarium and I’m sure they will just responding with laughing extremely hard” -Me, Mandie (Submitted by Emily)
2) "Should I text ______ and ask him to have sex with me?"
*2 minutes later*
"Should I call ______ and ask him to have sex with me?" -Me, Mandie (Submitted by Emily)
3) •Abbey Griswold: "my sneakers were white when I came to college."
•Emily Gessner: "I was white when I came to college."
4) "How often do you pick up black people?" -Black guy getting into an uber
Guys please send me any drunk quotes from yourself or your friends.
1) “Even when I’m sober, I think the word aquarium is really funny. I was telling my friends you know… aquarium. And then they just stared at me”
“Please text any of your friends right now the word aquarium and I’m sure they will just responding with laughing extremely hard” -Me, Mandie (Submitted by Emily)
2) "Should I text ______ and ask him to have sex with me?"
*2 minutes later*
"Should I call ______ and ask him to have sex with me?" -Me, Mandie (Submitted by Emily)
3) •Abbey Griswold: "my sneakers were white when I came to college."
•Emily Gessner: "I was white when I came to college."
4) "How often do you pick up black people?" -Black guy getting into an uber
Guys please send me any drunk quotes from yourself or your friends.
Part 5: Why do bad things happen to good people?
Ten Terrible, terrible things that happen to all of us (though some of these only apply to ladies), even though we are nice people and don't deserve this shit.
1) Accidentally making a sex joke to your parents without thinking it through first.
1) Accidentally making a sex joke to your parents without thinking it through first.
2) Trying to squat-pee in the nasty gas station bathroom and accidentally getting a little bit (or a lot) of pee on the floor :(
3) When you're home alone and your vibrator runs out of batteries and you have to go to target and buy the tiny little batteries that are obviously only made for vibrators and you can feel the judgement of the checkout dude. . .def not from personal experience.
4) Getting your period the day you're supposed to hang out with that hot guy you've been obsessing over for 2 years, 4 months, 3 weeks, 5 days, 18 hours, 4 minutes, and 13.6 seconds.
5) Pouring a bowl of cereal and then realizing you're out of milk.
6) Eating triple-garlic garlic bread and onion soup right before that hot guy/girl invites you over.
7) Dropping your phone the day you take your case off.
8) Only running into people you know in public when you look like actual ass.
9) Not knowing it was a BYOB party.
10) Getting super fucked up on Saturday night of parents' weekend at school, drinking to the point of vomiting for the first time (and only time, just for the record), having to spend the night at some random frat boy's apartment because you'd get an MIP if you went back to campus, and sleeping through parents' breakfast and waking up to 10,000 missed calls and angry texts from mom and dad. . .wait maybe that's just me.
Part 6: Questions for you guys to respond to!
Please help me out by emailing me any/all of your responses to the following prompts:
-awkward losing-your-virginity stories
-ideas for things you'd like "tips" on
-funny things you/your friends have said when drunk
-dumb shit you did in middle school because you thought you were cool
-literally anything funny
-please
-please?
-please
Don't forget to comment below and submit funny stories n shit!
BYE KIDDOS I LOVE YOU!
Remember, not in a blimp, on a blimp. High five if you know what I'm referencing. U a real homie.
-Mandie
-awkward losing-your-virginity stories
-ideas for things you'd like "tips" on
-funny things you/your friends have said when drunk
-dumb shit you did in middle school because you thought you were cool
-literally anything funny
-please
-please?
-please
Don't forget to comment below and submit funny stories n shit!
BYE KIDDOS I LOVE YOU!
Remember, not in a blimp, on a blimp. High five if you know what I'm referencing. U a real homie.
-Mandie
Part 1: A Poem by Me Myself and I I'm Running Out of Toothpaste by Mandie I'm running out of toothpaste, I'm really quite upset. I'm running out of toothpaste; I'm too broke to buy it yet. I'm running out of toothpaste, I don't know what to do, My roommate has some toothpaste but hers is green and I like blue. I'm running out of toothpaste, I have to brush my teeth; I looked in my drawer and on top of my desk and even underneath. I'm running out of toothpaste, and now I'm getting sad; I'm supposed to see my boyfriend later, my breath will be bad. I'm officially out of toothpaste and my mouth tastes really odd, the only thing that's on my mind is "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING, GOD?" I have no more toothpaste, nor do I have a boyfriend– he smelled my breath and told me our relationship must end. I get my paycheck Friday but I simply cannot wait, I ate a clove of garlic raw, my breath is not so great. Guess what I got some toothpaste! I am truly glad; my grandfather's a dentist and he would've been so mad. Oh no, oh dear, oh goodness, I'm not trying to be mean, but you bought me the wrong toothpaste, I like blue and this one's green. |
I read this to my roommate and she asked where I get my inspiration for my poems. Well, yep, you guessed it: I'm running out of toothpaste.
Part 2: Awkward hookup stories submitted by YOU GUYS!
"While I was having sex with this guy, we had a full conversation about our previous love lives and found out we had the same anniversary. Then we talked about why we had broken up with our respective persons. Then went on to talk about what our parents did for a job and what sports we played in high school. This whole convo went on while we were fucking and would only be interrupted by our drunk asses stopping to moan or say harder. "
Part 2: Awkward hookup stories submitted by YOU GUYS!
"While I was having sex with this guy, we had a full conversation about our previous love lives and found out we had the same anniversary. Then we talked about why we had broken up with our respective persons. Then went on to talk about what our parents did for a job and what sports we played in high school. This whole convo went on while we were fucking and would only be interrupted by our drunk asses stopping to moan or say harder. "
"So one time at band camp, I met a boy at a party. He bumped into me and knocked my beer out of my hand, so naturally, we started hooking up and I ended up going home with him. We didn't have sex the first night because I was more excited that he had a pet husky than the fact that this hot guy wanted me in his bed. We hung out the next few nights, mostly because I wanted to see Echo, the dog. Eventually we started having sex. I guess from the noises or whatever the dog was freaking out and jumping up on the bed to make sure I was okay. This happened quite often, actually it happened more than it didn't. So the guy yells at the dog and pushes him down and eventually the dog figures out he can just stay on the floor next to the bed and get pet by me and not get yelled at by the guy.
One night were in bed, and its great, whatever, the usual, ITS happening. And the guy stops and says to me "I think we technically just had a threesome because Echo licked my ass while I was inside of you." Then we continued about our business and after that, the dog was allowed to lay on the bed as opposed to next to the bed.
Nothing like some accidental bestiality to really get your night started"
One night were in bed, and its great, whatever, the usual, ITS happening. And the guy stops and says to me "I think we technically just had a threesome because Echo licked my ass while I was inside of you." Then we continued about our business and after that, the dog was allowed to lay on the bed as opposed to next to the bed.
Nothing like some accidental bestiality to really get your night started"
Part 3: Blowjob tips from a REAL MALE HUMAN! Amazing! I've never met one of those.
Honestly, after reading these tips, I sort of just want to tell guys that they can suck their own dicks because BITCH DON'T U FUCKING DARE TELL ME TO SWALLOW IF YOU WON'T EVEN KISS ME AFTERWARDS. IF IT'S TOO GROSS TO BE IN YOUR MOUTH THEN IT'S TOO GROSS TO BE IN MINE. But hey, I'm not bitter or anything. Nope. Not even a little. I'm not bitter at all! Nope. Noooope. Definitely not bitter. It's alllll good. Anyways, here are some tips that you should only use on nice boys who always text you back:
"Well here are some tips for you women who wondering "Am I doing it right?", chances are that answer is no.
1)FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING YOU HOLD DEAR DONT USE YOUR TEETH. It's not a sandwich it's like large meat popsicle, do you use your teeth when you have a popsicle? No cuz that's weird man.
2)Feel free to focus on the tip. From a male's perspective women just kinda go about bj's just by sticking dick in their mouth and motioning their head. That don't work shawty. Imagine if a guy was eating a girl out but forgot to lick her clit. YEA. That's how it feels, so girls don't forget to tip ;)
3)Use your tongue some. Plain n simple it feels good and every guy likes to watch. Think of it as a tease almost.
4)Don't be weird if he cums in your mouth. Getting weird or angry about cum in your mouth is dumb, just swallow it. It won't kill you. Now if he busts on your face and you told him not to then sure get mad."
you're welcum. lol guys I'm hilarious please love me.
BTW- this is NOT turning into a sex tips blog, don't worry. He sent me these so I thought It'd be funny to include, but nah bitch here at IT'S cLIT! We focus more on funny stories and terrible poems and shiz.
PART 4: Gym boy saga, parts V and VI- the finale
Part V
**because these submissions are anonymous, the name has been changed in this story. The girl telling this story shall now be called Jill.**
"About 3 days after we stopped talking, he walked up to my roommate at the gym and said, "Is Jill okay??" she was like "wait what?" She was super confused, wondering if I had gotten into a car accident or something. Gym boy seemed legitimately concerned for my safety.
He simply repeated himself, "Is Jill okay?"
She was like, "I think so?...why?"
Gym boy: "we haven't been texting."
Roomie: "you should text her!"
Gym boy: "No like we don't talk anymore."
Roomie: "oh...okay..."
Gym boy: "So is she okay??"
Eventually, roomie put together that he was asking if I was okay, since he was certain my heart must be shattered after our 4-day-long "romance" came to an end.
Roomie: "Yeah, she's fine."
Gym boy: "Okay, I just had to make sure." *gets up and leaves*"
Part VI: The Finale
"I saw him again. I was standing with my friends and he was in front of us alone facing the other direction. When he finally turned around and we made eye contact and I realized who it was, I calmly and cooly said hi and asked whats up. He said the same and the interaction would have been fine BUT he then walked towards me, stopped, awkward pause, and put his hand up and we high fived and he walked off. Praying I never see him again."
Part 5: A request
Please don't forget to send in awkward hookup stories, random funny stories, ideas for segments, funny memes/gifs/pictures, jokes, weird articles, odd quotes, and literally anything else you can think of that would entertain IT'S cLIT! readers!! I have a special request: If any of you have awkward losing-your-virginity stories, I would be SOO excited to receive them and put them into IT'S cLIT! I promise it will be completely anonymous :)
You can send in all suggestions and stories to [email protected].
I'm gonna go cuddle with my boyfriend now!
Honestly, after reading these tips, I sort of just want to tell guys that they can suck their own dicks because BITCH DON'T U FUCKING DARE TELL ME TO SWALLOW IF YOU WON'T EVEN KISS ME AFTERWARDS. IF IT'S TOO GROSS TO BE IN YOUR MOUTH THEN IT'S TOO GROSS TO BE IN MINE. But hey, I'm not bitter or anything. Nope. Not even a little. I'm not bitter at all! Nope. Noooope. Definitely not bitter. It's alllll good. Anyways, here are some tips that you should only use on nice boys who always text you back:
"Well here are some tips for you women who wondering "Am I doing it right?", chances are that answer is no.
1)FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING YOU HOLD DEAR DONT USE YOUR TEETH. It's not a sandwich it's like large meat popsicle, do you use your teeth when you have a popsicle? No cuz that's weird man.
2)Feel free to focus on the tip. From a male's perspective women just kinda go about bj's just by sticking dick in their mouth and motioning their head. That don't work shawty. Imagine if a guy was eating a girl out but forgot to lick her clit. YEA. That's how it feels, so girls don't forget to tip ;)
3)Use your tongue some. Plain n simple it feels good and every guy likes to watch. Think of it as a tease almost.
4)Don't be weird if he cums in your mouth. Getting weird or angry about cum in your mouth is dumb, just swallow it. It won't kill you. Now if he busts on your face and you told him not to then sure get mad."
you're welcum. lol guys I'm hilarious please love me.
BTW- this is NOT turning into a sex tips blog, don't worry. He sent me these so I thought It'd be funny to include, but nah bitch here at IT'S cLIT! We focus more on funny stories and terrible poems and shiz.
PART 4: Gym boy saga, parts V and VI- the finale
Part V
**because these submissions are anonymous, the name has been changed in this story. The girl telling this story shall now be called Jill.**
"About 3 days after we stopped talking, he walked up to my roommate at the gym and said, "Is Jill okay??" she was like "wait what?" She was super confused, wondering if I had gotten into a car accident or something. Gym boy seemed legitimately concerned for my safety.
He simply repeated himself, "Is Jill okay?"
She was like, "I think so?...why?"
Gym boy: "we haven't been texting."
Roomie: "you should text her!"
Gym boy: "No like we don't talk anymore."
Roomie: "oh...okay..."
Gym boy: "So is she okay??"
Eventually, roomie put together that he was asking if I was okay, since he was certain my heart must be shattered after our 4-day-long "romance" came to an end.
Roomie: "Yeah, she's fine."
Gym boy: "Okay, I just had to make sure." *gets up and leaves*"
Part VI: The Finale
"I saw him again. I was standing with my friends and he was in front of us alone facing the other direction. When he finally turned around and we made eye contact and I realized who it was, I calmly and cooly said hi and asked whats up. He said the same and the interaction would have been fine BUT he then walked towards me, stopped, awkward pause, and put his hand up and we high fived and he walked off. Praying I never see him again."
Part 5: A request
Please don't forget to send in awkward hookup stories, random funny stories, ideas for segments, funny memes/gifs/pictures, jokes, weird articles, odd quotes, and literally anything else you can think of that would entertain IT'S cLIT! readers!! I have a special request: If any of you have awkward losing-your-virginity stories, I would be SOO excited to receive them and put them into IT'S cLIT! I promise it will be completely anonymous :)
You can send in all suggestions and stories to [email protected].
I'm gonna go cuddle with my boyfriend now!
Well, never mind then.
ILY ALL.
And remember: not IN a blimp, ON a blimp!
-Mandie
ILY ALL.
And remember: not IN a blimp, ON a blimp!
-Mandie
HI KIDDOS! I love you so much. Welcome, new friends! We have a couple of new subscribers :')
I'm super hungover. The kind of hungover where I really want to sleep, but when I close my eyes everything starts spinning. BITCH I AIN'T GOT TIME 4 DIS SHIT. But I'm listening to All on You by Nick Fradiani and now I feel hungover AND lonely. This song is so good like wow.
Part 1: A Poem, Duh
Troubles
Children, youngins, gather 'round
just sit your ass there on the ground.
It's time for us to all discuss
the things in life that trouble us.
single-stuffed Oreos, sexy gay guys,
when everything 'bout you looks good 'cept your thighs.
uneven spray tans, way-too-bright lights,
getting a rip in your favorite new tights.
finding your brother's adult magazine,
when you have much to do but you still have to clean.
running out of svedka, fighting with your friend,
terrible days that won't come to an end.
not being able to pee standing up,
not knowing what the hell's in your cup.
missing a cute boy who doesn't text back,
finding out that your ex-boyfriend's on crack.
being home alone when your vibrator breaks,
only enjoying really expensive steaks.
going to a party and not getting kissed,
blacking out and wondering what you missed.
Fucking your boss in the back of the store,
getting three bucks in tips when you totes deserve more.
These are the struggles we must face every day,
but at least I have cats so everything's okay.
Part 2: How to Get More Followers on Instagram
1) Have a nice ass
2) Post pictures of your nice ass
3) That's it. You did it.
Part 3: Anonymous Awkward Stories, Submitted by YOU GUYS!!! Including GYM BOY SAGA Part IV
You guys are cLiterally the best. It makes me so happy that you guys send me your awkward stories. Also your nudes. Pls send noodz. There are few things I'd rather do than read your guys' stories and feel better about my own life, because hey, I've fucked up a lot of things. I But at least I didn't fuck up as badly as some of the people in your guys' stories. Here goes:
1) "Once I went on a tinder date with a boy that super liked me. Usually I always swipe right on super likes because I like hearing what they have to say and their reasoning or whatever. But anyway, this boy wasn't the best looking dude but he had a great personality over text and it seemed like we really clicked. I was so super excited to meet him. In fact, I had a lot of fun talking to him until we actually went on that date. For what ever reason, we really didn't click in person. There was something super off about him as there can be about almost all people on Tinder. The entire time I kept thinking about how I was going to get out of there. He kept trying to put down moves on me and setting me up to kiss me. I kept trying to avoid it but for whatever reason I let him do it and his breath was absolutely nasty.
I'm super hungover. The kind of hungover where I really want to sleep, but when I close my eyes everything starts spinning. BITCH I AIN'T GOT TIME 4 DIS SHIT. But I'm listening to All on You by Nick Fradiani and now I feel hungover AND lonely. This song is so good like wow.
Part 1: A Poem, Duh
Troubles
Children, youngins, gather 'round
just sit your ass there on the ground.
It's time for us to all discuss
the things in life that trouble us.
single-stuffed Oreos, sexy gay guys,
when everything 'bout you looks good 'cept your thighs.
uneven spray tans, way-too-bright lights,
getting a rip in your favorite new tights.
finding your brother's adult magazine,
when you have much to do but you still have to clean.
running out of svedka, fighting with your friend,
terrible days that won't come to an end.
not being able to pee standing up,
not knowing what the hell's in your cup.
missing a cute boy who doesn't text back,
finding out that your ex-boyfriend's on crack.
being home alone when your vibrator breaks,
only enjoying really expensive steaks.
going to a party and not getting kissed,
blacking out and wondering what you missed.
Fucking your boss in the back of the store,
getting three bucks in tips when you totes deserve more.
These are the struggles we must face every day,
but at least I have cats so everything's okay.
Part 2: How to Get More Followers on Instagram
1) Have a nice ass
2) Post pictures of your nice ass
3) That's it. You did it.
Part 3: Anonymous Awkward Stories, Submitted by YOU GUYS!!! Including GYM BOY SAGA Part IV
You guys are cLiterally the best. It makes me so happy that you guys send me your awkward stories. Also your nudes. Pls send noodz. There are few things I'd rather do than read your guys' stories and feel better about my own life, because hey, I've fucked up a lot of things. I But at least I didn't fuck up as badly as some of the people in your guys' stories. Here goes:
1) "Once I went on a tinder date with a boy that super liked me. Usually I always swipe right on super likes because I like hearing what they have to say and their reasoning or whatever. But anyway, this boy wasn't the best looking dude but he had a great personality over text and it seemed like we really clicked. I was so super excited to meet him. In fact, I had a lot of fun talking to him until we actually went on that date. For what ever reason, we really didn't click in person. There was something super off about him as there can be about almost all people on Tinder. The entire time I kept thinking about how I was going to get out of there. He kept trying to put down moves on me and setting me up to kiss me. I kept trying to avoid it but for whatever reason I let him do it and his breath was absolutely nasty.
It was then I realized that this kid wants to get laid and that it was now my mission to avoid his dick at all costs. Next he invited me back to his room to watch a movie we both liked but I said hell no and had him drive me super far to a museum. (Granted if I were on this date with a person I actually liked I would have had so much fun cuz we did so many cool things but he was a fuckin weirdo so I wanted to kill myself the entire time.) Now comes the worst part. At some point during the night we talked about Wizards of Waverly Place and we couldnt remember Max Russos name but when it came to me he still didnt know. He thought it would be a cute fuckin idea if every time he guessed a letter, he would kiss me on the lips. To this day I still dont know why I let this happened but he kissed me on the lips 26 times with his gross ass mouth even after he got to M!!! After that I said dude I gotta go home, I'm not feeling well. (Which I wasn't because of his actual rancid breath). And when he dropped me off back at my dorm I threw up in my room and vowed to never go on Tinder again. (And I haven't! :D).
2) GYM BOY: PART IV:
Two days later I go back over to his dorm and watch TV for a bit so of course we start making out again and shirts come off. He struggles with the bra again and I eventually just had to do it for him. So after making out for awhile he tries to take my pants off again, but I had to tell him I was on my period and so he says “oh” in defeat. So he asked "what about me?" So i undid his pants and started giving him a blowjob. Let's also note that he is a swimmer so literally every part of him including legs were shaved and oiled and it was really fucking weird. Anyway, about five minutes had passed before we adjusted positions. Then adjusted again… we went through standing, sitting, laying. He even tried to get us to 69 because apparently he doesn’t know that a period means you really don’t want to eat me out. 30 minutes later I finally asked him if he wanted to take over and he said “no, honestly it’s kinda numb”. I knew it had been 30 minutes because he started playing spotify at the beginning that said “now enjoy 30 minutes of ad free music”. Then 30 minutes later an ad came and he didn’t. This was followed by us awkwardly sitting there in defeat. Him completely naked, me shirtless, and him grabbing his dick and talking to it saying “what’s wrong with you?” This also was followed by him turning and asking me how big I thought it was and me saying "uh idk" and him proudly announcing 7.5 inches. I put my shirt back on and he gets up and brushes his teeth *still naked* and then finally puts clothes back on as I said I’m gonna go. I left and we texted to agree that it was definitely done.
to be continued...
2) GYM BOY: PART IV:
Two days later I go back over to his dorm and watch TV for a bit so of course we start making out again and shirts come off. He struggles with the bra again and I eventually just had to do it for him. So after making out for awhile he tries to take my pants off again, but I had to tell him I was on my period and so he says “oh” in defeat. So he asked "what about me?" So i undid his pants and started giving him a blowjob. Let's also note that he is a swimmer so literally every part of him including legs were shaved and oiled and it was really fucking weird. Anyway, about five minutes had passed before we adjusted positions. Then adjusted again… we went through standing, sitting, laying. He even tried to get us to 69 because apparently he doesn’t know that a period means you really don’t want to eat me out. 30 minutes later I finally asked him if he wanted to take over and he said “no, honestly it’s kinda numb”. I knew it had been 30 minutes because he started playing spotify at the beginning that said “now enjoy 30 minutes of ad free music”. Then 30 minutes later an ad came and he didn’t. This was followed by us awkwardly sitting there in defeat. Him completely naked, me shirtless, and him grabbing his dick and talking to it saying “what’s wrong with you?” This also was followed by him turning and asking me how big I thought it was and me saying "uh idk" and him proudly announcing 7.5 inches. I put my shirt back on and he gets up and brushes his teeth *still naked* and then finally puts clothes back on as I said I’m gonna go. I left and we texted to agree that it was definitely done.
to be continued...
Part 4: That Time I Begged Julian to Kiss Me and Then Laughed the Whole Time
This is a long one,
This is a long one,
Please enjoy this beautiful story that truly symbolizes my friendship with Julian.
Let me tell this story from the very beginning:
I was a little bit fucked up in high school. And by "a little bit fucked up," I mean I was the most anxious mess of a human ever to exist and also kind of wanted to die 87.95% of the time. I was this way until I met my new best friend, Zoloft, my senior year of high school. Why am I telling you this? Well, I'm making excuses for the fact that I didn't have my first kiss until I was 18. Yep, EIGHTEEN.
Let me tell this story from the very beginning:
I was a little bit fucked up in high school. And by "a little bit fucked up," I mean I was the most anxious mess of a human ever to exist and also kind of wanted to die 87.95% of the time. I was this way until I met my new best friend, Zoloft, my senior year of high school. Why am I telling you this? Well, I'm making excuses for the fact that I didn't have my first kiss until I was 18. Yep, EIGHTEEN.
In fact, it was on my 18th birthday. After that first kiss, I went on a few dates with that guy, but I was such an anxious little fuck that I literally couldn't handle kissing him because I was too worried about whether I was a terrible kisser (which I probably was).
So I did what I had to do: I ended things with that guy, and asked Julian, my best guy friend, to make out with me and give me tips and tell me if I sucked.
He was willing, and one day we were hanging out and I went over to his house and he's like "k so r we doing this or..." and I started panicking. For no good reason, I just couldn't handle the anxiety. BUT I KNEW I HAD TO DO IT.
So after 15 minutes of me sitting in the corner of his room as far away from him as possible and kind of wanting to die, I sucked it up and sat on the bed. He leaned in to kiss me, and
I
started
fucking
cackling.
I
started
fucking
cackling.
Like literally laughing so hard I couldn't even breathe. This is how my first kiss went too, in case you were wondering (that guy knew it was my first kiss but he stuck his tongue in my mouth and it was gooey and weird and I started laughing my ass off). But this was like an all new level of "Amanda-what-the-fuck-is-your-problem," because I'd kissed plenty of times at this point, and also I'd literally been begging Julian to help me out with my strange little dilemma. He had no clue what to do. I'm sitting there next to him on his bed just fucking DYING laughing, and I finally got my shit together for long enough to tell him to try again. So he did, and our lips actually touched this time, but I was still absolutely fucking
D Y I N G inside, and after maybe 3 seconds I started exploding with laughter. Nervous, uncomfortable, hysterical laughter. This happened no less than 7 million more times, and we never went longer than 15 seconds because I just couldn't. stop. laughing.
D Y I N G inside, and after maybe 3 seconds I started exploding with laughter. Nervous, uncomfortable, hysterical laughter. This happened no less than 7 million more times, and we never went longer than 15 seconds because I just couldn't. stop. laughing.
This was the first time I'd kissed anyone since getting my tongue ring, so I asked him if he could feel it, and then he licked it (to check) and I died laughing all over again.
After this experience, I was certain I'd never be able to kiss anyone without cracking the fuck up.
Actually, I was fairly certain nobody would ever kiss me again.
After this experience, I was certain I'd never be able to kiss anyone without cracking the fuck up.
Actually, I was fairly certain nobody would ever kiss me again.
It's okay kids, because I did, in fact, get kissed many times by many males after this, and now I'm a #pro and I dont even giggle.
I'm so proud of myself tbh. Also, Julian and I are still besties and laugh about this experience all the time. Last night I called him to ask him some questions about balls because I was confused about things. Julian, u da best.
That's all I have for you today, kids!
I love you!
And remember, not IN a blimp, ON a blimp.
-Mandieeeee
I love you!
And remember, not IN a blimp, ON a blimp.
-Mandieeeee
IT'S cLIT! Friday the 13th Edition! SpoOOooOoooOOOoky.
Hey kids! Welcome to ITSCLIT.weebly.com! I'm so happy to have you here. As per usual, we shall begin with a poem.
PART 1: A Poem
The Prize in the Cereal Box Sucked Actual Ass
The prize in the cereal box totally sucked,
When I saw it I shouted, “GOD DAMN THIS IS FUCKED!”
I threw it across the room, I was sad
The prizes really should not be this bad.
I wanted a sticker, a pen, a ring,
Or figurine of Simba from The Lion King.
A bright purple dildo, a little gold locket,
A do-my-homework machine I could fit in my pocket.
A new little puppy with a little pink leash,
A different math teacher that can actually teach,
I wanted a good prize, now THAT would be heaven,
But all I got was this damn iPhone seven
PART 2: How to Be Good in Bed-A Girl's Guide (suggested by Abbey Griswold)
Guys, there are 3 things I'm good at.
1) killing the plants that the lady at the store said were "almost impossible to kill"
2) using too much scotch tape
and
3) fucking. really hard.
We all know that I'm great in bed. Literally everyone knows it. Ask every guy in your class. I promise, he knows. So yeah, I'm great in bed, but not everyone is so fortunate. Example A: Abbey. Abbey suggested that I give you guys tips on how to achieve Amanda-like levels of greatness in bed. So thats what I am going to do. You're welcome.
Step 1: Jungle noises
You know how when you go to a zoo (or like a jungle, if that's more your scene), you hear a lot of random animal noises, but some of them are so odd that you can't even figure out what kind of animal it is? Well, you must replicate these noises. . .in bed. Your fuckbuddy is not going to be able to stop bragging about you to his friends. He's gonna be all like "duuuude she's a total animal in bed."
Step 2: Shave your pubes into the shape of his favorite Disney Character
nuff said.
Step 3: Compliments
Everybody likes compliments. Especially when naked and vulnerable and insecure. Make him feel like the hottest thing to have ever graced this planet. Here are some suggestions:
1) "You have the hottest body."
2) "You're such an amazing kisser."
3) "Its sooooooooooo big baby. Like, almost as big as my ex's. And his was HUGE."
4) "I loved that outfit you wore to my grandma's house last Christmas."
5) "I want to lick you all over even if I get a lot of hair in my mouth."
6) "If I hypothetically I poked a hole in the condom and I hypothetically got pregnant with your hypothetical child, the hypothetical baby would be so cute because you're literally the cutest guy ever."
7) "I loved that outfit you wore to my grandma's funeral."
8) "If you were a twin I'd wanna have a threesome with both of you because you're so hot that I want two of you."
Step 4:
Hey kids! Welcome to ITSCLIT.weebly.com! I'm so happy to have you here. As per usual, we shall begin with a poem.
PART 1: A Poem
The Prize in the Cereal Box Sucked Actual Ass
The prize in the cereal box totally sucked,
When I saw it I shouted, “GOD DAMN THIS IS FUCKED!”
I threw it across the room, I was sad
The prizes really should not be this bad.
I wanted a sticker, a pen, a ring,
Or figurine of Simba from The Lion King.
A bright purple dildo, a little gold locket,
A do-my-homework machine I could fit in my pocket.
A new little puppy with a little pink leash,
A different math teacher that can actually teach,
I wanted a good prize, now THAT would be heaven,
But all I got was this damn iPhone seven
PART 2: How to Be Good in Bed-A Girl's Guide (suggested by Abbey Griswold)
Guys, there are 3 things I'm good at.
1) killing the plants that the lady at the store said were "almost impossible to kill"
2) using too much scotch tape
and
3) fucking. really hard.
We all know that I'm great in bed. Literally everyone knows it. Ask every guy in your class. I promise, he knows. So yeah, I'm great in bed, but not everyone is so fortunate. Example A: Abbey. Abbey suggested that I give you guys tips on how to achieve Amanda-like levels of greatness in bed. So thats what I am going to do. You're welcome.
Step 1: Jungle noises
You know how when you go to a zoo (or like a jungle, if that's more your scene), you hear a lot of random animal noises, but some of them are so odd that you can't even figure out what kind of animal it is? Well, you must replicate these noises. . .in bed. Your fuckbuddy is not going to be able to stop bragging about you to his friends. He's gonna be all like "duuuude she's a total animal in bed."
Step 2: Shave your pubes into the shape of his favorite Disney Character
nuff said.
Step 3: Compliments
Everybody likes compliments. Especially when naked and vulnerable and insecure. Make him feel like the hottest thing to have ever graced this planet. Here are some suggestions:
1) "You have the hottest body."
2) "You're such an amazing kisser."
3) "Its sooooooooooo big baby. Like, almost as big as my ex's. And his was HUGE."
4) "I loved that outfit you wore to my grandma's house last Christmas."
5) "I want to lick you all over even if I get a lot of hair in my mouth."
6) "If I hypothetically I poked a hole in the condom and I hypothetically got pregnant with your hypothetical child, the hypothetical baby would be so cute because you're literally the cutest guy ever."
7) "I loved that outfit you wore to my grandma's funeral."
8) "If you were a twin I'd wanna have a threesome with both of you because you're so hot that I want two of you."
Step 4:
PART 3: Gym Boy–The Saga, Parts II&III (an anonymous submission)
"Despite our unfortunate first interaction, he was still hot and was someone to make out with so I went to his dorm for another movie. However when I walked in he thought it would be funny to play “Let’s Get it On” by Marvin Gaye (that super sexual RnB song that plays in every sex scene ever. Look it up, I promise you know it). This was awkward to begin with, but it didn’t help that his roommate was there and just looked at me and looked away. He left shortly after. We watched the movie and the roommate came back and went to bed which of course didn’t stop us from making out and hoping he didn’t wake up.
Next event, my roommate was gone and he and I were laying on the ground and making out and so he takes shirt off. Then he takes my shirt off. Looks at my boobs and says “WOOOW” then he struggles to take my bra off for a good five minutes. When he finally gets it off and we go back to making out, he stops and asks “can I just look at them” (referencing my boobs) and I just laughed it off and went back to making out with him to shut him up. He stops again and goes so is that a no? and I blatantly replied yes because it was such an uncomfortable question. I didn’t know when my roommate was getting back so we stopped making out and I put my shirt back on. A few minutes later my roommate comes back and he’s still laying there shirtless. So my roommate sits down and we all just sit awkwardly and make small talk. He finally decides to put his shirt on and his spiderman zip up jacket that zips up all the way over his head which matches his spiderman phone case and leaves."
To be continued....
PART 4: 3 Ways to Tell Your Mom You're Pregnant
Ladies, I totally get it. We all know the feeling. Sex ed class taught you to always use a condom, but you didn't, and now you're pregnant with twins. We've all been there. If you're me, you've been there six times. And five of those times were just this week! Here are three professionally tested and approved ways to break it to momma that she's gonna be a grandmomma:
1) "Mom! did you know that frogs can lay as many as 20,000 eggs? Thank goodness I'm not a frog! Because that's 10,000 times the number of babies I'm about to have."
2) "Hey mom, are you free on December 23rd this year? Would you mind taking the twins to get a picture taken with Santa at the mall?"
3) "Mom, I have the best news ever. I auditioned to be on teen mom, and they want me!! I'm going to be a star!"
4) "Mom, does this outfit make me look pregnant? Because if not, something's wrong."
PART 5: My Early Sex Life in GIFs
Here are some gifs, memes, screencaps, and pictures that help to tell the story of the loss of my innocence:
I was a baby. An innocent little kisses virgin, convinced that no boy would ever like me enough to stick his tongue in my mouth. Fortunately I was wrong, and I got to experience the horror that was my first kiss. I couldn't stop laughing. And when I say laughing, I mean I was cLiterally cracking the fuck up. Like this boy's tongue is in my mouth and I am totally fucking dying laughing. And I hated it. If I had to sum up the experience, here's how I would do so:
"Despite our unfortunate first interaction, he was still hot and was someone to make out with so I went to his dorm for another movie. However when I walked in he thought it would be funny to play “Let’s Get it On” by Marvin Gaye (that super sexual RnB song that plays in every sex scene ever. Look it up, I promise you know it). This was awkward to begin with, but it didn’t help that his roommate was there and just looked at me and looked away. He left shortly after. We watched the movie and the roommate came back and went to bed which of course didn’t stop us from making out and hoping he didn’t wake up.
Next event, my roommate was gone and he and I were laying on the ground and making out and so he takes shirt off. Then he takes my shirt off. Looks at my boobs and says “WOOOW” then he struggles to take my bra off for a good five minutes. When he finally gets it off and we go back to making out, he stops and asks “can I just look at them” (referencing my boobs) and I just laughed it off and went back to making out with him to shut him up. He stops again and goes so is that a no? and I blatantly replied yes because it was such an uncomfortable question. I didn’t know when my roommate was getting back so we stopped making out and I put my shirt back on. A few minutes later my roommate comes back and he’s still laying there shirtless. So my roommate sits down and we all just sit awkwardly and make small talk. He finally decides to put his shirt on and his spiderman zip up jacket that zips up all the way over his head which matches his spiderman phone case and leaves."
To be continued....
PART 4: 3 Ways to Tell Your Mom You're Pregnant
Ladies, I totally get it. We all know the feeling. Sex ed class taught you to always use a condom, but you didn't, and now you're pregnant with twins. We've all been there. If you're me, you've been there six times. And five of those times were just this week! Here are three professionally tested and approved ways to break it to momma that she's gonna be a grandmomma:
1) "Mom! did you know that frogs can lay as many as 20,000 eggs? Thank goodness I'm not a frog! Because that's 10,000 times the number of babies I'm about to have."
2) "Hey mom, are you free on December 23rd this year? Would you mind taking the twins to get a picture taken with Santa at the mall?"
3) "Mom, I have the best news ever. I auditioned to be on teen mom, and they want me!! I'm going to be a star!"
4) "Mom, does this outfit make me look pregnant? Because if not, something's wrong."
PART 5: My Early Sex Life in GIFs
Here are some gifs, memes, screencaps, and pictures that help to tell the story of the loss of my innocence:
I was a baby. An innocent little kisses virgin, convinced that no boy would ever like me enough to stick his tongue in my mouth. Fortunately I was wrong, and I got to experience the horror that was my first kiss. I couldn't stop laughing. And when I say laughing, I mean I was cLiterally cracking the fuck up. Like this boy's tongue is in my mouth and I am totally fucking dying laughing. And I hated it. If I had to sum up the experience, here's how I would do so:
I hated it. It was slimy and this dude fuckin knew it was my first kiss, and yet he went for the full on makeout right off the bat. NOPE. NOPENOPENOPE CAN U NOT. For a long while I was convinced I was broken and just didn't like kissing, until I came to college and practiced on
a multitude of frat boys. And you know what? now,
I'm actually sort of a kiss hoe now. I don't really do """things""" with guys at parties that I don't know, but I will literally kiss anything that breathes. I'm a fun drunk, to say the least.
Onto my next experience: seeing penis.
Let's be real: nobody looks at penis for the first time and goes "wow its glorious." Sorry guys, but they're really fucking weird looking. So I was making out with this guy, and he takes his dick out and I'm just like
Onto my next experience: seeing penis.
Let's be real: nobody looks at penis for the first time and goes "wow its glorious." Sorry guys, but they're really fucking weird looking. So I was making out with this guy, and he takes his dick out and I'm just like
I literally gave him the worst handy of his life and yet he came in like 2 minutes. Which made me feel like a motherfuckin boss.
#justsayin.
welp, that's all for now, bitches! I know this one is shorter than usual (that's what she said), but I just really wanted to get one post up so the site is #official.
Love you all, and remember,
not in a blimp, on a blimp.
much love,
-mandieeeeeee
ps: dont forget to comment below and send me suggestions on the Contact Me! page :)
welp, that's all for now, bitches! I know this one is shorter than usual (that's what she said), but I just really wanted to get one post up so the site is #official.
Love you all, and remember,
not in a blimp, on a blimp.
much love,
-mandieeeeeee
ps: dont forget to comment below and send me suggestions on the Contact Me! page :)