Hey kiddos!! I just uploaded two old ones that weren't on the blog yet, but I uploaded a brand new one earlier today, so go to the home page and scroll down and click on the post called 1/12/17 or just scroll down on this page past the first two posts! Welcome to another installment of IT'S cLIT!! This is cLiterally gonna be the best one yet! Hopefully, anyways. Probably not actually, I just really wanted to use that joke. Please laugh. Are you laughing? Laugh harder. Harder. Faster. Harder. Mmmmm babe ur so big. You make me so w– oh, sorry. I got a little distracted there. Anyways, back to the newsletter. Enjoy! Part 1! - A Poem, As Per Usual Lick My Elbow (a poem BY me, ABOUT me, FOR you.) Lick my elbow, That’s my fetish. Lick my elbow, It makes me wettish. Lick my elbow, That’s all I want, Lick my elbow, Do you like this font? Lick my elbow or I will sue you, Or worse: grab a knife And stab it right through you. Lick my elbow or I’ll make a scene, Lick my elbow, And I’ll make you my queen. Part 2! - How to deal with fuckboys (idea suggested by Paige) Here’s the thing guys: I have this friend named Paige. Unfortunately, she isn’t that intelligent, so it’s important that I humor her when she says dumb shit. For example, she asked me to write a segment on “how to deal with fuckboys.” Of all the people in the entire world, I’m nearly positive that I’m the LEAST capable of dealing with fuckboys. But hey, it’s my job to give the people what they want, and apparently the people want help dealing with fuckboys. I was thinking to myself, “how on earth am I going to write a segment on something that I lack knowledge on?” And then it occurred to me: I must interview a fuckboy…no…I must interview MULTIPLE fuckboys. I have done exactly that (you’re welcome), and have provided you with all the answers to your questions about fuckboys, and how exactly to deal with them. These 3 fuckboys have chosen to remain anonymous, but I promise they’ve had sex with a truly impressive (or concerning) number of females! Anonymous fuckboy #1: 19 years old, Sophomore in college 1) Why are you a fuckboy? I didn’t know I was one. 2) does it concern you that a lot of girls get attached to you after you bang them? how do you deal with their clinginess and what is your method of getting them to stop pestering you with texts about how they love you after you fuck them? move to a different city 3) when you refer to yourself, do you prefer the term “manhoe,” “bag of dicks,” “slut with a dick,” or “HIV positive”? “Slut with a dick” is pretty nice. 4) tits or ass? Definitely ass. 5) most awkward thing that has happened during sex? Other side piece walked in. 6) Fill in the blank: I hate when girls _______. Are obnoxious 7) What’s your body count *declined to answer* 8) any tips for girls to avoid fuckboys? Join bible study 9) if you met the right girl, would you consider a relationship? If so, describe “the right girl” For sure. A cool girl, no drama, can talk, nice butt, kinda smart, does unique shit, kinda indie. Anonymous fuckboy #2: 18 years old, freshman in college 1) Why are you a fuckboy? Because we don’t love these hoes (for the most part) 2) does it concern you that a lot of girls get attached to you after you bang them? how do you deal with their clinginess and what is your method of getting them to stop pestering you with texts about how they love you after you fuck them? absolutely no care whatsoever. I just stop talking to them. 3) when you refer to yourself, do you prefer the term “manhoe,” “bag of dicks,” “slut with a dick,” or “HIV positive”? HIV positive. 4) tits or ass? Ass. 5) most awkward thing that has happened during sex? Squirted on me without any warning 6) Fill in the blank: I hate when girls _______. swear to god they’re Spanish when they’re not (wtf is this a thing???? -Amanda) 7) What’s your body count *declined to answer* 8) any tips for girls to avoid fuckboys? Avoid boys. 9) if you met the right girl, would you consider a relationship? Yeah I had a girl completely blindside me and make me rethink everything. Anonymous fuckboy #3: 18 years old, Freshman in college 1) Why are you a fuckboy? Girls act like they’re all innocent, but secretly fuck your friends. 2) does it concern you that a lot of girls get attached to you after you bang them? how do you deal with their clinginess and what is your method of getting them to stop pestering you with texts about how they love you after you fuck them? It does concern me. I block their number, or ignore them and say I had [sports] practice. 3) when you refer to yourself, do you prefer the term “manhoe,” “bag of dicks,” “slut with a dick,” or “HIV positive”? Manhoe, THOT 4) tits or ass? Depends. 5) most awkward thing that has happened during sex? She tried to put her tongue in my ear. 6) Fill in the blank: I hate when girls _______. Try to get me on roller coasters. 7) What’s your body count Roughly 15. 8) any tips for girls to avoid fuckboys? Ask him to post a picture of you two on social media 9) if you met the right girl, would you consider a relationship? If so, describe “the right girl” Has to go to games and support me, has to be funny, have a cute smile, get along with my mom…and has to be a freak. Part 3! - How to take the perfect picture of your balls Just don’t. Nobody wants to see your balls. Part 4! - How to stop being a hoe Okay so you’re a hoe. Like a massive hoe. Like you haven’t been to a single party at which you haven’t fucked at least 9 of the guys before you got there, and by the time you leave it’s 13. I’m not here to judge. I’m here to help. This is a 4-step program and I’m here to support you the whole way. Step 1) Get checked for herpes- If you don’t have it, WOOOOOO! But hey, if you do, SWEET! It’s like you’re a new member of a really exclusive, itchy, super contagious club! That’s kind of cool, right? But also please don't get your genitals anywhere near me. Thanks love you! Step 2) Buy the black destroyer. https://www.amazon.com/Black-Destroyer-Huge-Dildo-Pounder/dp/B008ATAO7W Step 3) Send me the black destroyer. That wasn’t actually for you, I’m just broke and I can’t afford it so thought maybe you wouldn’t mind buying it for me and sending it my way since I’m taking the time to help you overcome your problem. Thanks! Love you. Also I want a pony, thanks. Step 4) Get some hobbies! Take up knitting, crocheting, and sewing. Start making outfits for your cats. Start making outfits for yourself that MATCH the outfits you make for your cats. There! Problem solved! Nobody will want to have sex with you ever again You’re welcome. Now go buy a vibrator and have a nice life! Tell the kitties I say hello. And I would love matching sweaters for me and Taffy (my baby child kitty cat) if you have some extra time on your hands, which you will, due to the lack of sex and social interaction. Thanks! U da best. Part 5! - awkward stories submitted by you guys <3 because it wouldn’t be cLit! without them!! 1) I was at my boyfriends house meeting his family for the first time. I was really nervous and I really had to pee, but the bathroom was next to the family room with paper thin walls. His entire family (including his grandma) was sitting in the living room and I could hear them talking. Well...then came the horriblepee stage fright and I literally could not pee but I had to go so bad. I was so terrified that his family would hear me peeing and I swear if you had offered me a million dollars to pee in that moment I wouldn't have been able to do it. So I flushed the toilet for effect and walked out of the bathroom. My boyfriend then says,"Let's walk down to the boba place down the road." and I was like "ya sounds great! How far away is it?" (Meanwhile In my head I'm like "FUCK I HAVE TO PEE OR IM GONNA END UP PEEING ALL OVER HIS LIVING ROOM FLOOR AND THATS GONNA BE FAR WORSE THAN THEM HEARING ME PEE.") He tells me that it's less than a mile away and we left. Well that was a lie, because it took 45 minutes to walk there and the entire time I thought I was gonna pee my pants. We finally get there and I'm literally in pain. “UMM I need to go to the bathroom real quick." And he gave me the weirdest lookand goes "didn't you just pee at my house?" And I'm like "OH FUCK" in my head but aloud I go "ya...I just....like drank too much water..." and I run off to the bathroom leaving him utterly confused and finally was able to pee and regain my sanity. 2) Gym boy: the saga Part I ( please wait for future newsletters to read the rest of the saga. Gotta keep you on your toes, ya know?) "Okay so theres a boy that I met at the gym. I thought he was really attractive and everything would have been fine had he not been THE WEIRDEST MOST AWKWARD HUMAN EVER. So first interaction was when we went to his dorm to watch a movie. Error 1) the movie he chose was zombeaver aka a movie about beavers that turned into zombies… Error 2) everything seemed to be going fine until he did the stretch his arms out to put it around me as high key as possible. It’s okay though cus he #tried. So then when the movie ended he was a gentleman and walked me back to my dorm and when we got there I said bye and started to walk off but he grabbed me and gave me a hug which was fine but then Error 3) he grabbed my hair and started making out with me. I had known that guy for one day and I was way too sober for that intense of a makeout with a total stranger. So when I eventually pulled away in fear of someone I know coming in or out of my dorm building he asked what was wrong and if he had protein shake breath. Yeah he’s one of those gym rat protein shake hoes fml.” … TO BE CONTINUED Part 6! - Respond, respond, respond!! Kids! You already know this part! Heck, you’ve probably memorized it by heart. But this is the part of the post in which I tell you to PLEASE, PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY- Email me with suggestions and funny stories! I’ve already planned the murder of those of you who never do! This "blog" is supposed to create our own little community, but we can only do so if you participate. So please, please respond and give me a suggestion, a good joke, a funny meme, an uncomfortable hookup story, literally anything! Help me make IT’S cLIT! cLitter than ever before! Help me entertain you. Please! I want you to see IT’S cLIT! In your inbox and get excited! I want you to see your very own story or segment suggestion in the newsletter and go “Hey! That's mine!!” And get all excited and feel all special.
Please go ahead and comment below anything you have to say about this post :) I love you all! Thanks so much for reading and enjoying. It makes me so happy when you guys tell me how much you love IT’S cLIT! Have a good day, and remember, Not IN a blimp, ON a blimp Yours truly, Mandieeeeeee btw:
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Hey kiddos!! Welcome to another installment of IT'S cLIT!! You're all sexy and I'm obsessed with all of you. Well, let's not waste any time! Here we go!!!!
Part 2! - I know about your weird fetish Just kidding, I really don’t. Please feel free to tell me all about it though, I’d love to have something to make fun of you for (other than your face). Part 3! - Calling out those of you who NEVER FUCKIN send me suggestions I WILL FUCKING MURDER YOU. I know that was mean, but remember, No matter how bad things might seem, Part 4! - Anonymous awkward hookup story Submissions: Can you guess whose They are?? 1) "I was watching tv with this guy, and we’d hooked up a few times during the SEVEN HOURS we watched tv. Anyways so it was 3:30am and I started to fall asleep. I was all cozy and cuddled up next to him, my head on his chest, and I was soooooo close to being asleep. Like I was RIGHT there. SOOOOO close. And then I feel him grab my hand and put it on his dick over his boxers. CAN U NOT. Anyways so I pretended not to notice, because I was FUCKING SLEEPING and who the hell does that anyways. So I kept drifting closer and closer to sleep, until I feel him take my hand again, and put it inside of his boxers on his actual dick. CAN U FUCKING NOT. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I WAS FUCKING SLEEPING WHY ARE BOYS LIKE THIS?? Its not like you didn’t cum twice in the past 5 hours…UGH MALES." 2) "So I thought this guy was really attractive, except I was scared to have sex with him because he was so attractive, so I decided that when I was almost black out drunk I would call and ask him to come over. Well we ended up having sex and it was literally the best thing that had ever happened, so we both decided that we'd have sex again, well the next time we decided to have sex, we were both sober and he kept talking to me the entire time like "can I do this?" "Can I do that?" And I couldn't take it. It was so awkward, and we ended up breaking his shower rod that was hanging up. After that day we barely even spoke again and now we don't speak at all…oops." 3) "can you imagine an innocent 8th grader the size of a fucking dwarf? yep that was me. i had quite a big crush on a guy my mom warned me was a sketchy piece of shit but soon i'd learn the hard way. he started texting me dirty things and little innocent me was confused as ever and that confusion sure hit its climax this one very day. i was sitting at home and suddenly see the words "can i eat you?" pop up on my screen. friends, i kid you not i thought he meant literally eat me as in crush me and swallow me through his mouth bc you know i'm just that tiny and cute. soo i replied "i don't think that'd taste very good" BIGGEST MISTAKE. he asked me if i know what eating someone meant and i assured him i did until i looked it up on urban dictionary. we broke up shortly after :)))” Part 5! - How to make friends in classes where you don’t know anybody (Suggested by Marissa Adamski) Making friends is HARD, okay? Especially when you’re ugly. Just ask Paige! So here are some tips for making friends in your new second semester classes!!! 1) Show them that you have something in common: There are some things in this world that all humans have in common. We all have nostrils. We all have the desire to eat really greasy, extra-cheese, deep dish pizza. We all want to get really uncomfortably close to another human whom we deem attractive and rub our lower regions on them and get our weird-smelling (and tasting, tbh) fluids on each other (sounds gross, but am I wrong?). And one final thing unites us as human beings: we’ve all stepped in dog shit. You must use these common experiences to befriend fellow classmates!! “But how??” You ask. Simple! When you take your seat on the first day of class, you must turn to your neighbor with a serious, yet friendly expression. Look him or her straight in the eye, and say “have you ever stepped in dog shit?”and when they inevitably say “yes,” say “no fuckin way. ME TOO!! It’s the worst, right? In fact, I think I have some on the bottom of my shoe right now!!!!” Boom. Instant friend!!! 2) Turn to them with a serious look on your face and whisper, “my dad has a big, huge, thick, hairy………………...ponytail.” and then lightly graze their upper thigh with your pointer finger. For extra points and extra luck making friends, lick your finger after you do this, and wink at them. Works every time! This is how I made friends with Kaytlin. 3) Compliment everything about them. Everything. LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING. “I like your outfit.” "I love your shoes!” “Omg ur face is LITERAL goals.” “Damnnnn baby that ass is FAT.” "When Ilook deep into your eyes, I see the deep blue aquarium that is your soul. I want all of it. Every gallon. Every clownfish. Every drop of the ocean that lives in your eyes.” “If you were a mom, you’d be a MILF. In fact, even though you’re not a mom, I’d still like to fuck you.” works every time, 60% of the time. Part 6: Reddit nailed it again, as per usual. Please enjoy some screenshots of amusing jokes I found on reddit, my home and native land Part 7! - Sarcastic Comments From Chandler <3 Please enjoy. I love you all and hope you get laid 1000x more in 2017 than I did in 2016.
Oh wait. that’s still zero. Well…anyways… Love you all, Mandieeeeeee ps: not in a blimp, on a blimp Hello my darling angel babies. I know what you’re thinking: “I need to bleach my asshole before my date tomorrow!” But I also know what else you’re thinking: “bitch it’s not Tuesday y r u posting? Don’t u own a calendar?” and here is the answer: LUCKY YOU!! Due to popular demand, I will not be posting sporadically per week!!! Remember too sign up for email reminders when I post a new post(you can do so on the contact me/submit page). And if you ever wish to be removed from the list, send me an email and I will certainly take you off the list, just be aware that I might need a few years to heal before I will be comfortable continuing our friendship.) Part 1: Let the Games Begin!I have a game for y’all! I said y’all because I’m a southern belle. Here is the game: Some of you lovely slutbag skanks sent me your embarrassing/funny hookup stories, so I’m going to anonymously write them all here for all of you to enjoy. I have added some memes and screencaps for your added viewing pleasure. If you can guess whose story it is, congratulations! I will send you a surprise meme as a reward. Best of luck, I believe in you!! … unless your name ain't Santa. Then u on ur own, BITCH. Now, let’s begin: 1) “I made out with a guy named Jeff by going up to him and saying "ay i think i matched with u on tinder & we talked at a costume party once. i was dressed as a man” and then we started making out. he was like 6'9" so it was very difficult. my friend took my belongings out of my hands while i was making out with him and then all his buddies took turns slapping his ass. Then we parted ways and he immediately graduated the next day.” 2) I was gonna hook with a guy from tinder and he came over and ended up crying in my bed about his ex 3) “This beautiful boy asked me to hang out so I told him to come over. We watched tv with my roommate until he asked if I wanted to go into my room. So we did and we were talking until he took my clothes off and I was like what are you doing and he said, 'taking your clothes off so I can fuck you' and I was like holy shit he's so hot I'll have to let him. But then I gave him head and it lasted not even a minute until he came and I'm like wow I must be pretty good but then I thought he was going to help me out and he got up and got dressed. I was basically yelling at this guy for not fucking me bc I felt like maybe I was ugly or something. So then later I apologized and we planned to hang out again. We hung out two more times or whatever and then the next time we had sex. So we are mid sex and he tells me to STAND UP AND SPIN AROUND so I'm like no and he's like yes and I'm like no and he's like cmon yes so I did it and I'm literally a naked ballerina....then he put it in and immediately came. Then he freaked out because he thought the condom broke when it didn't and I kept telling him I'm on birth control and I can't have kids anyway so he went in the bathroom and played with it to see if it was broken and then he was like it's not broken and I was like I told you and he was like so what do I do with it and I'm like wtf has he never had sex before what does he mean like does he wanna frame it wtf. Little did I know he was a virgin.” Part 2: New Year Nude MeIt's 2017, kids. Let's get naked. Part 3: Childhood OVERI was messing around with those fridge magnets for little kids to learn to spell. You know, the alphabet ones? But all I could think of to write with them was “eat my ass” or “titties are my religion.” I was thinking, in what other ways can I corrupt today’s youth? How can I destroy the innocence of things intended for children? And then it occurred to me look up seemingly innocent, yet deeply inappropriate words on urban dictionary. I figured I would add to your learning by using these words in sentences, because the ones on urban dictionary aren’t good enough for me. Then again, with an ass like dis one, not much is good enough for me. 1) BIRD (n.): “Mommy I want a bird!” 4-year-old Jenny Williams sobbed. Mrs. Williams came home with an adorable little cockatiel for her precious daughter. “NOT THAT KIND OF BIRDDDD!!!!” Jenny wailed. 2) CAKE (n.): For Jonah’s first birthday, he smashed his face into a huge, moist, round cake! His parents thought it was precious, and posted the video online. 3) PTERODACTYL (n.) (v.): "whoaaaa…did you see that pterodactyl?” Johnny gasped in shock, feeling both appalled and aroused. “Huh? Pterodactyls are extinct, silly!” Mrs. Snootbucket responded, looking the other way. “Not anymore,” whispered Johnny. Part 4: Fun FactsDude ur gonna be all “WTFF???!!!” (What the fun fact?!!??) when u hear dis shiz -antarctica is the only continent with no spiders…BYE KIDZ GOTTA GO IM OFF 2 D ICELANDZ -female kangaroos have 3 vaginas…I’m learning so much about myself. This explains a lot. -buzz aldrin peed on the moon…and I can hardly even get myself to pee in a gas station. I want you to know that I spent a solid 3 hours on this email. Do you know what that means? I wanna take 12 and a half seconds to thank all of you for reading and responding with recommendations!! I couldn’t fit all your recommendations into this email, but now that my posts are going to be more frequent, I can try my best to use all of your suggestions! PLEASE send in your ideas, topic recommendations, funny stories from your personal life, embarrassing hookup failures (#whiskeydick4life), and any other misfortunes in your personal life that I can use for my own entertainment, as well as that of my dearest friends…YOU GUYS! Pease feel free to send in fun facts, music recommendations, anything you wish! I will give you credit in the email if I use the content you send me, unless you’d rather a story be anonymous, which is no problemo. I’ll just laugh at you by myself and refuse to tell anyone else who it was that had such a tragic failure occur in their life. But you and I will know it was you. SO yeah. Thats it. SEND IN YO SHIZ entertain me and all of you guys! I love you!! Thanks for reading, and mostly for RESPONDING! It makes my day!! Before I go, I have just one last question: Is that like a fruit or something?
Not IN a blimp, ON a blimp. xoxo, Mandie |